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Beating myself up because I may not be her best lover

Tagged as: Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 March 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2017)
A male United States age 36-40, *ades0215 writes:

Here goes.

My fiance and I have a good sex life when we have it. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 weeks after we started dating. Since then sex is not what it could be. Which is understandable seeing what she has been through. I never have had any complaints in the sex department and in fact have had a few girls tell me that I am the best lover they ever had. My fiance has not told me this she has told me that I am good in bed and she loves our sex. I don't have any issues sexually. I'm well above average in length and girth, I'm not premature and I am a pretty handsome man. Why do I still feel like she has had a better lover? She says she has never had another connection the way she has with me and she has never said someone was better so why do I feel like this? I'm a giver in bed especially with her because I adore her but I sometimes feel like it isn't enough. I've never cared before her. She says that when we first started out she could cum with me and that the cancer treatment has changed things. I try to be understanding but to think some guy out there pleased her better sexually than I did bothers me. I feel like she still thinks of him or fantasizes about him. All this is made up in my head as she has never said anything or done anything. Tomake me believe this. I just want to be her everything can't changer past but I would like the to be the guy to make her forget it. All this makes me not even want to have sex, like what's the point if I can't give her something better. Childish I know and I have been with a lot of woman maybe it's b3cause this is the first one I really care about idk. Am I just kind fucking myself or not?

View related questions: fiance, sex life

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly the girls that told you that you where the best, well they are the girls that tell that to all the guys. Don't go by words, go by how she acts with you and how she speaks to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

Some people use the "you're the best" line, and others tend not to.

I think some of the people who don't say it don't want to make you feel compared at all, even if it IS favorably. And for the ones who DO say it, it could just be a line anyway.

If she is saying she has never felt a connection like yours, I would take that to mean you are the best overall/ sensually and otherwise. As wiseowle points out, a lot of people don't really "rate" lovers on a list, they all bring different things, different feelings and connections. It isn't black and white or a ranking list to a lot of people.

Anyway, has it occurred to you that maybe SHE is insecure that SHE is not YOUR best, or not even close? I mean, if she has breast cancer that is affecting something that is very closely associated with femininity. She may have to have her breast removed or partially removed. She may have to have it rebuilt.

You don't know how much that could affect her own self- esteem and fill her with doubts in bed even if she hides it well. She probably doesn't want to burden you with those insecurities. Thus she also may hold back some compliments from you because she is afraid you don't reciprocate those feelings.

Have you ever told her that she is the best you've ever had? Just to be clear, usually the guy says it first, in popular culture anyway.

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A female reader, mishi 1 United States +, writes (18 March 2017):

mishi 1 agony auntHi there, my mom had cancer. She was going through a lot. You are very nice person . Since, you are supporting your gf. But , this is not good time to think about this issue. What ever she is saying don't judge. She is on medication ... my mom used to say me very harsh things. Now, after treatment she is different person. Give her time then talk with her after her treatment on right time.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 March 2017):

How would you ever know if you really were the best lover any woman has ever had? She might say that to all the boys!

If you know someone is going make a big deal about it, you'd be inclined to tell them what they want to hear to shut them up. If you want to use or manipulate them; you can butter them up, and tell them they're the best. They'd never know the difference!

Your ego is getting in the way of your common-sense. Your girlfriend is going through a life-threatening event in her life; and somehow it's about you. Well sir, you're very lucky to still have her. My partner of 28 years died from cancer. I'd do anything to change that!

My heart goes out to her, and I wish her a full recovery!

Rating who your best lover ever was is subjective. Every person I've ever been with has offered me something different; or there was something good that stood-out above others. How do you prove you mean it anyway?

Nobody performs their best each and every time! Then there are times you're out of this world. How do you remember enough to be sure? I don't carry a pen and pad to keep track to be honest. I judge by emotional-response and intensity of climax. That's good enough for me.

How about focusing more on giving her comfort through her cancer treatments. Reassuring her how much she matters apart from sex. All the stuff about how much you adore her is cancelled out by your complaining that she doesn't rate you the best. Maybe you aren't the best, and your attitude certainly isn't.

If I could have my partner back, the heck about sex! You aren't her everything. She has other people in her life she loves, and your attitude is going to drop you a few points.

I don't compare my lovers. They're all the best, because I have great taste!

The problem with men who get caught-up in their egos is their selfishness, narcissism, insensitivity, and childishness. Don't place any undue pressure on her about something so silly. She has more important things to worry about.

Everything you describe in your post is about wild and unreasonable thoughts going through your mind. None of it is a real relationship problem; it's all regarding your vanity and ego. Perhaps some grief as well.

She's fighting for her life!!! That's what matters!

She has cancer, and you're worried about being her best lover? Shouldn't it be more about her and less about you right now?

I hope she goes into remission; and her suffering or discomfort is minimal. I hope you redirect your concerns to more important things.

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