A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone and thanks in advance for your responses.I have a boyfriend whom I dearly love and I believe he feels the same way.We have been together for almost 3 years and we often discuss a future together - marriage, kids, where to live etc.I do have one doubt and I suspect it's nothing but it would be reassuring to get an objective view.When we first started going out he lied to me about his past. He said he'd been in a relationship with another woman for a few months before we started going out. However, he confessed a year into our relationship that he'd actually never been in a relationship before we started going out and that he'd been a virgin when we met. He'd made up a relationship because he felt embarrassed and didn't want me to think any less of him for being inexperienced.I felt that it was a sad that he hadn't been able to tell me because I would definitely have tried to make his first time more special. My question is this; is it a big lie to have told? I empathise with the enormous pressure around losing your virginity early but I just want to make sure that it is not indicative of a tendency to lie if it makes life easier for him. (he hasn't lied about anything else in our relationship that I know of)I also worry that he will always wonder what else is out there. I worry that he'll have a mid life crisis and dabble outside the marriage because he feels like he missed out on being a 'lad'. Just to give my worries a bit of context - I was not happy in my first relationship. I definitely thought that there was more out there and I could do better... In which case my concerns might just be a projection of how I felt in my first relationship. There's been nothing in our relationship to suggest that he's not satisfied with me. In fact, after our first year, he went to study his Masters abroad and even with the long distance he's been absolutely loyal and we're incredibly happy and close.I guess I'd like some reassurance that people don't necessarily need to date lots of people before committing to one person. I've thought about it myself and I reckon if I'd met him as my first boyfriend, I I'd have been happy and not wondered if there was more out there. But is it not different for guys?It's not that I have major trust issues - our long distance wouldn't have survived two years if I did. It's not that I doubt his love - he's my best friend and confidante and I his. I'm just incredibly risk averse and when our future involves one of us moving countries permanently, I just want to make sure I've covered all bases.Thanks again for your responses!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 My mother met my dad on a blind date at age 16 and married him at age 19....
he was her one and only forever till she died.
he was with her for 25 years married and three years dating before he had a faithfulness blip.... it was worked out with my parents and they managed to be just fine.
My ex husband had many many women before me.. he was a dog and a player when I met him and I thought I could change him.... I could not.. he still needed the ego stroke of other women to make him feel good about himself.
you say you are risk adverse... the problem is EVERYTHING in life is a risk...
I would not be happy he had lied but if this is the one and only thing he lied about I can understand his feelings... men are supposed to be worldly and more experienced (and older) than women. He was just buying into the junk that society spews out.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 I do think it was wrong of him to lie, but this sounds more like a one time thing. He had good reasons to lie. You wouldn't have cared if he was inexperienced, but to him it mattered a lot. It made him embarrassed and nervous and probably ashamed of himself. He put a lot of emphasis on it, and in reality, he lied more to himself than to you. But he had his reasons. And I think that it was a one time lie, because this was the area where he was also lying to himself: that being inexperienced was something to be ashamed of.
The lie had a purpose.
People who lie about everything else lie without a purpose. They lie just because they're incapable of telling the truth, because they don't want to own up to the truth because they are shallow, or selfish, or know they did something wrong. Those people, who lie all the time about everything, will constantly deny that they do it. Your boyfriend owned up to his lie. A chronic liar wouldn't ever own up to his lies. I know, because I used to date on, and he always insisted that he wasn't a liar, even when caught red handed. He went so far in his objections that he argued the definition of lying. I said to lie is to say something that isn't true, and he objected...
Yes, it was a big lie to tell you he was a virgin, and shame on him for that. But that's all there is to it, me thinks. So have a proper punishment (for example a stern talk about the importance of honesty in a relationship) and then move on.
As for part two of your question: no, he will not need other women. It's enough with you. He wont go lusting and wondering what other women are like, not any more than any other man with tons of experience would lust and wonder after years of being in a committed relationship.
It was his choice to stay in a relationship with you. If sleeping around was important to him he'd a) not be in a relationship with you, and b) he would not have been a virgin when you met him.
"I've thought about it myself and I reckon if I'd met him as my first boyfriend, I I'd have been happy and not wondered if there was more out there. But is it not different for guys"
It's different from person to person. I probably would have wanted to sleep around more and not settle with the first person I had sex with. Which is also a reason why my first sex partner was a fuck buddy, I didn't want something serious at that point. I just wanted sex. This backs up my point: if sleeping around was important to him then he would have already done it. If having more sexual partners was what he wanted, then he'd not enter a relationship with you. He'd start up a casual relationship, or find a sex buddy, or have random hook-ups... He'd not enter a serious long term relationship.
No, him not having had previous sexual experience isn't a problem, and wont be a problem either. Not all people want or need to experience sex with more than one person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): I'm in pretty much the exact same situation, but I'm in your boyfriend's shoes. When I started going out with my boyfriend, he was a few months out of a four year relationship. I felt like a complete failure compared to him because I'd never been in a relationship so I lied and said I had been but then told him the truth a year later. I was also a virgin when I met my boyfriend and I'd only been kissed once before him. I love my boyfriend to bits and would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't say for certain that your boyfriend is the same but I'd say he probably was just embarrassed about his lack of experience and you don't need to read any more into it than that. I think the fact that he told you the truth eventually shows that he wants to have a long and serious relationship with you. Good luck to both of you :)
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