A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit of a long one..I hope you take the time to read bc I am in need of some adviceMy ex and I were in a relationship for 3 years..we had our fair share of ups and downs due to his jealous nature..he would always accuse me of cheating or talking to other men (which I never was)..he was completely insecure..but I loved him so I stuck it out until the day I found out he was flirting with and talking to another woman..needless to say the relationship ended pretty ugly until...I relocated to the same state as my ex (3 months later which I had already accepted before the breakup) to start a new job..we reopened the lines of communication and seemed as though we were on our way of getting back together until he discovered I had an online male friend (yes a friend..no flirting or anything)..which he went into my email to find..and it ended pretty ugly yet again until...I had been missing him ever since so I called 7 months later and we started talking and hanging out..yet he still brings up everything that happened in the past and plays victim..he makes rude comments..but then goes on to tell me how he misses me etc..I told him my feelings..that I want to build a friendship with him and progress in a relationship but he's playing hardball..I'm persistent though..he says he's changed but still now he accuses me of talking to/flirting/sleeping with other people (whichis not happening)..I went out with a girl friend the other night (initially i told him I wasn't going to go) which pissed him off so he called me almost every name in the book and now all of a sudden he claims to have a girlfriend (which he said started the night i went out with my girl friend..what a coincidence)..we shouldn't talk..that it's o-v-e-r..I don't know what to do..I know it's easy to say forget him..move on..and perhaps I should..but I don't have these feelings for nothing..and I would like to get him back..earn his trust (since he says he doesn't trust me at all)..I just can't stand to give up and walk away..help???
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female
reader, lalybug2008 +, writes (22 June 2008):
 Happytochat makes a lot of great points. However, speaking for myself... I have to say that insecurity isn't only the fault of the person that is insecure. Perhaps they're insecure due to circumstances beyond their control. Previous relationships, upbringing, etc... I am a very insecure person. So much so that it makes me sick sometimes. It's not something that just goes away. My feelings of insecurity stem from every man I've been involved with cheating on me and manipulating me.. every one. It's hard to NOT bring that baggage into a new relationship because it is now a part of WHO YOU ARE.
From your post it seems as though you are an innocent victim in his insecurity. If during the course of your relationship, you've never done anything to cause him to doubt you, then he really has no reason to feel insecure. Maybe due to something that has happened to him previously, he plays this card as a way to keep distance. Maybe he's afraid to get too close for fear of being hurt. And with that it might be impossible for you to really get him to believe that you're not doing anything wrong.
Speaking for myself again, I know that when I'm in a relationship with someone there's always a certain level of doubt. But if it's a strong and committed relationship and no signs of "grass being greener".. I'm very secure within the relationship. For me, it's when the person goes from treating me really good to treating me like crap. That's when I start to think something else is going on.
Being involved with an insecure person is definitely a heavy cross to bear...especially if YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE IT. Personally, from your post your guy sounds very cold and cruel with the way he is toward you. You don't deserve that. Do what is best for you. He said that it's over, so be it. Love isn't supposed to be like this. It's magic and when two people that are meant to be together find each other, it will all just "click". You'll argue about insignificant stuff, not insecure stuff. Best of luck to you!
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (22 June 2008):
You cant earn a insecure person's trust. They arent insecure because of you or what you do. They are insecure because they arent secure WITHIN THERESELF.
Its all about them. So until he works on why hes so insecure and does some deep thinking and possibly some talking with a counsellor, he wont be able to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone else.
So either you wait around for him to change, which may never happen, or you take steps towards moving on with a life without him and with someone else, who isnt so inseucure.
From your post, it doesnt seem he really sees himself as having an issue. He sees it as all your fault. So hes not able to be truthful with himself, so there will probably be no change.
Realise you deserve a healthy relatiosnhip with someone who is secure within thereself. Dont settle for a guy who doesnt love himself, because until he can love himself, he cant love you or anyone else.
It is def hard to move on from someone you love, no doubt about that, but it IS possible. It may be a hard choice to make to move on, but it is worth it in the end if you want a fulfilling life.
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