A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do with my relationship or life. I cant speak to anyone else. I was studying 4 years ago when I met my girlfriend. she was living with parents, I was renting. She didn't have money, but I didn't care. Our love was enough. When my studying finished I moved out. I was very motivated in life to build something. I moved back to my parents 2hours away (2yrs ago) to save money and I found a good job. She moved back to her parents and worked at minimum wage. I have been visiting since than once a week. I always visit her as I drive. I have progressed a lot in past year or or two but she is still the same in terms of job, ambitions, desires. Her friends went on holiday, so she pressured me when she clearly knows she is not making enough to pay for it. I cant because I spend a lot of money seeing her and eating out. (She cooked for me last time about 6months ago). Because she spends all her time in bored, when I come she wants to go out and do things whereas I'm tired from long week at woRk and the fact i driven for two hours , only to get there pick her up and drive some more. Im now getting depressed, I cant speak to any friends because they don't care. Her friend is getting married, now she is getting depressed. How can one be depressed? When I said to her work hard two years ago let's save up for our holidays or weddings, no! She was too lazy or it was tOo hard. Now, even if she can't bring any income, I will never give up, I will bring in money for her and our family but when I got with her, she was slim in good shape. Now she is quite large and hates her body and would not fit in dress she wants. Its just a headache, there is ALWAYS AN OBSTACLE: I should of signed her up to gym and just done the overtime myself two years ago. Lose lose situation for me. Grill me....tell me I'm wrong because I know females are always right
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ambition, at work, depressed, money, moved out, on holiday, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): You are contradicting yourself. First you complain about her weight, lack of ambition, laziness; and then turn right around and say it's all okay with you.
You don't want to marry her. I truly think you should reread your post and look at the things you pointed-out about her. I also think you're in denial about your true feelings. What on earth does the poor marriage between your parents have to do with the relationship between you and your girlfriend?
Marriage doesn't make people dysfunctional. The incompatibility between two conflicting-personalities and the lack of effective-communication causes that kind of strife and failure between couples. Marriage for all the wrong reasons, and mainly immaturity in both parties.
You love your girlfriend, but claim not to see her faults; but you didn't seem to have any difficulty in describing them for us. The thing is, we can really love someone who is totally wrong for us. There are also deal-breakers we try to ignore; but the subconscious-mind combined with common-sense has a tendency to cause confusion, if you don't/wont recognize the truth. Or, if we bury our heads in denial.
I take it you're a nice guy; and avoiding our judgement that you could be otherwise. Face the reality. She's not wife material. You know it wouldn't work. You're not as afraid of the concept of marriage, as you are of being married to her.
Deep inside, you want out. You feel guilty about that.
Yes, four years is a long time. The post you've written is an indication you are now assessing your relationship and deciding what your future demands of you. You've moved ahead, and she stayed behind.
She doesn't need your pity sugar-coated with love. She needs your support and motivation. Motivation doesn't mean trying to change someone, it means you remind them of their potential. Then it's up to them to discover it.
People who complain and do nothing about what ails them, want someone else to take care of them. They need someone to compensate for their shortcomings. They offer little, and take a lot. They will not reciprocate, they will only take what's given to them. That's not a good relationship.
You are really asking, in a roundabout way; are your feelings for her changing, and if you don't love her as much as you used to? It's okay to admit it to yourself. It's just very difficult to say out-loud, or to say to her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): I don't speak to friends because when I met her 4 years ago some of the comments were soooo stupid from my friends, they would be so happy if I said I broken up because I got something they don't have. I cant stand someone say anything negative about her. Im so protective I don't discuss her with my friends. I do not want a negative image built of my future wife. She's loves me it would break her heart if I broke up. Even if I married a model I wouldn't be excited about marriage, my parents argued over 15yrs when I was a child and I have a very bad image of relationships. Maybe I'm scared of marriage?If my gf went to the gym and failed, looked for job but failed, tried to pursue dream but failed , I would not be upset, ambitious is attractive. Failing is part of life. I hope that explains what I want. Just like she finds it attractive when im playing football or preparing for gym or working on my car. If I sat there like a slob watching football all day I don't think she be too pleased. 4 years is long time, I never been near another girl. And...im her first. That shit is powerful
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (24 July 2017):
Ok, first of all lose the 'women are always right' stuff because you know fine well that's not true. However you are right in that you are going to get advice on what YOU can do to fix this situation because, well, it's the only thing you have any control over.
So first up, I'll just get this out of the way. You are coming across as a bit of a martyr in your post. You paint yourself as the long suffering boyfriend who does all the driving and all the work and you pay for everything and all you get in return is an ungrateful, overweight, depressed gf with no money, no ambition and no lust for life. Yet you ignore the key thing - you have chosen to be with her for the past 4 years. Why? You don't mention anything nice about her, just a long list of complaints. So why stay?
Despite what you think, you can't sign her (or anybody) up to a gym if they don't want to go. She needs to do it for herself and if she can't or won't? You either accept that or you find someone else more compatible.
You then go on to suggest that you should have done even more overtime to pay for a wedding, again painting yourself as the one that has to do everything for no thanks and no reward,
My question again is why? Why get married if it's so bad? You don't even sound like you like your gf let alone love her, so why marry her? You know you have freedom of choice right?
I'll be honest, and I'm not qualified to determine this in any way, this is simply based on my experiences with other similar people: I think deep down you like the status quo. You like being the successful one in this relationship while she's the failure as it makes you feel better about yourself. I'd also hazard a guess that she also feels like the failure of the two if you which is why she's stuck feeling depressed and helpless - it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Now of course I may be wrong and you have just been unlucky enough to get stuck with a lazy, ungrateful gf, but again that begs the question - why are you still there? In all of my years on this earth, if there's only one thing I've learned it's this: people don't tend to stay in situations that they get nothing out of. So ask yourself what it is you get out of this arrangement then you can maybe start to look at what needs to be done to change it.
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