A
female
age
30-35,
*avendar19
writes:I feel so disgusted and upset with myself and I can't tell anyone. I turned 19 yesterday and have been on/off with a man who has narcissistic personality disorder for 5 years. He is a total jerk one day, super nice the next, it has always been like this. I love him, and I've tried to leave him many times before to no avail. I'm a virgin, but I've done oral (with him only) and last night I had a bit too much to drink and let him try to have anal sex with me, he tried to enter me fully but it was too painful and I told him to stop after about 5-10 seconds. The next morning I felt horrified with myself and I still do...I'm afraid to tell the next man I'm with about my sexual past, I've always wanted to stay a virgin but I feel like I'm not really a virgin anymore.. I'm just really, really sad and disappointed in myself. I feel like I will fall in love with man, and tell him I tried to have anal sex and he will reconsider marrying me or something....I almost want to hide this from the next man so he won't judge me, I'm too scared. Please give me honest opinions, I know it's hard to ask of honesty on an online site...but I want to know a man's opinion on this and how he would feel toward his potential wife given my circumstances.
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female
reader, lavendar19 +, writes (21 July 2011):
lavendar19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis guy this only a year older than me, he showed subtle signs at first, first 2 years (other than the cheating which I didn't, but should've, taken more seriously because I assumed it was common in adolescence) he showed almost no signs. Slowly the mask came off and I saw who he was and now he is full blown, and because he knows I know, he makes no effort to hide it anymore. What all of you have said has helped me so so much, especially CaringGuy, your post almost brought tears to my eyes because I had hit an ultimate low when I typed this question and just needed someone to hear me out. Thankyou thankyou thankyou...I will most definitely take some time to work on myself.
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Most men will be more concerned about having an on-again, off-again narcissistic boyfriend for five years than they will about ten seconds of anal. True, some guys care only about sexual history in and of itself; for most guys, sexual history is just the most easily quantifiable way of telling whether a girl has dealbreaker-level issues. This sort of relationship could easily be one of those issues, technical virgin or not.
Plus, the more time you spend with this guy, the less time you spend looking for a quality guy. The emotional highs and lows of a guy who treats you like crap one day and a princess the next are addictive - I suspect in the same way that gambling can be addictive. Get away from him, stop all contact, go be single for a while until you're comfortable as a single girl, then find a decent guy.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 July 2011):
Technically you are a virgin. You didn't have vaginal sex, so you are a virgin. You also don't need to tell anyone about this. It's not anyone's God given right that they need to know your sexual past. The only thing I'd always recommend is that you have STD tests done when you meet someone new. In the end, sexual health is what matters to most people more than how many partners you've had or what you've done with them.
How would I feel as a man if I knew all that you had written?
I would not be concerned about the oral sex or the attempt at anal. I understand that people come with pasts, and that any woman I meet has probably had sex with other men. My girlfriend is older than me and was previously married, so it's obvious she has a sexual past. And not once has it bothered me. There will be other men like me who won't care. There will also be some men who are religious and don't believe in what you've done, there will be some who just believe it's wrong, and there will be some hypocrites. But, for the most part, I don't thin men will care.
What they will care about is your lack of self respect and lack of confidence in terms of this guy you're seeing. I would be wary of a girl who had chosen to continue seeing a guy who treats her badly for 5 years. That would show that she isn't independent, isn't confident and perhaps would be too clingy, or too much of a pushover. If you willingly accept bad treatment from men, rather than stop it and walk away, then good, honest men will think you're too much emotional hassle, or that you have little self respect. Men like their girlfriends to be strong and independent. We like a woman who knows her own mind, who knows what she wants and is willing to work with us to get it. We don't really go for pushovers, and we don't go for Drama Queens (the total opposite of what you are, by the way).
If you want a good, honest man in your life then stop worrying about the oral and attempt at anal sex, and instead get rid of this guy who doesn't care and really work on becoming someone who is independent and can stand up. You can't meet Mr Right if you're busy with Mr Wrong, and you can't meet Mr Right if you're not confident enough, because he will go and meet someone who is confident.
It's the not sex that matters here, it's the fact that you're allowing yourself to be treated badly by a man and have done for 5 years. That's what a guy will look at.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): "I turned 19 yesterday and have been on/off with a man who has narcissistic personality disorder for 5 years."
Which means that you are with a guy of what age, if this started when you were 14 years old?
"he will reconsider marrying me or something"
This does happen, but you need to realize first and foremost that not all of us are like that. The best relationships are ones that stand the test of time, and of the past, and your past is not you. What defines "you" is your present.
Just from what you write, you are probably going to need someone who is extra understanding, not because of what they feel about you, but because of how you feel about yourself.
This is something that you must strive to understand yourself, or it will lead you into lots of problems in the future with relationships, misunderstandings where you are going to assume things about your partner, and his impressions and beliefs about you and his potential reactions that will not be correct.
Your need now is to work on yourself, to understand yourself, and to catch yourself before you fall into the mental trap of another abusive selfish relationship, or into a good relationship that you then ruin because you make assumptions that are not close to the truth.
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