A
male
age
30-35,
*edroute1
writes:My first sexual experience was a FWB. I was 13, she was much older and, to my recollection, it was a very awkward, uncomfortable situation. It bothered me a lot and perhaps has made me biased against them. When I go back through my memory, the empirical evidence that I have observed and a large majority of the accounts I have read about, FWB are mostly negative experiences with few exceptions. People talk about them flippantly and they seem to me to be a pop culture fad, but there is real pain in the wake of such affairs.I have known a few people who have gotten STD’s from FWB relationships. One girl got herpes and another girl got HPV so bad that she had to have surgery. The most intense one I have heard of was a good friend of mine, who is 40 years old, recently met his 21 year old daughter. He didn’t even know she existed. She just showed up one day and introduced herself to him. She was the product of a FWB with a girl who moved away just after high school. She was, at the time, having multiple FWB and got pregnant. She didn’t know who the father was and her family moved her away to have the baby. His 21 year old daughter was able to deduce that he was her dad after the paternity tests of the other possible fathers were shown to be negative.To be fair, I know quite a few people who say they really like FWB, but in the end I never really hear them speak positively about them. They never admit to them proudly and always hide them from the people that they fall in love with. If they are such a great thing, why not be proud of them? Why not tell everyone about them?These casual relationships have very dangerous possible implications and I just wonder why people enter into them so flippantly. For my part, after my first experience (my only FWB), I only entered into committed relationships. I have never really respected people who tout them or participate in them as recreation because I think they are playing with fire.I am curious about other people’s perspective. I have seen some people say that if they enter into FWB relations as consenting adults, they can be great things, but I must admit I have never seen that happen. I almost always see regret. I would enjoy reading some thoughtful responses, I am open to changing my mind.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Yos, is it acceptable to lie about criminal record, marriages, kids, career, education level, etc?
What makes sexual history and habits any different?
People SHOULD be able to ask about sexual history and expect to hear the truth. People also should not get treated badly just for asking about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): Short term yes probably,long term no.It benefits only the men the women it harms, women are wired differently.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 August 2012):
 You can ask your dates anything you like. Just don't always expect them to like the question or give you an honest answer.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (29 August 2012):
in answer to the title of your question -no.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 August 2012):
 I think it's OK to ask your potential partners about their sexual history, however, I think it's always good to remember that some people have a past that may not be as "shiny" as your, some learn the hard way so to speak, from making mistakes themselves.
And some people grow up due to these mistakes. So if you can accept that not everyone will have the same exact background as you, you might be just fine.
Finding someone with the same values and morals when it comes to relationships might work better for some.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (28 August 2012):
 Well I am against FWB. I think sex should be intimate and loving, not casual and with some guy/girl. That's why I think most of the time it turns out bad, because sex is a loving act one ultimately falls for the other. You can't share something like that with no feelings at all attached. Also the risk of STDs. I don't know, everything about them rubs me the wrong way. I've always been one to be in a relationship for a long time and then have sex. Maybe I'm a romantic or old fashioned but I don't get anything from sex without the love there. It makes me feel like trash or used when a man couldn't enter a relationship with me yet will have sex with me. No thanks.
I've never known anyone in my life to have been in a FWB situation. I know my sister was interested in a guy who didn't want a relationship. She still had sex with him... Probably thinking he would come around to wanting something more. He openly said he didn't want anything more but she continued and got upset when he was with anyone else. That's the closest I have seen and it was pitiful and hard to watch. But I do see a lot of stories on here about FWB going bad, she falls for him, how do I get her to want a relationship with me instead of just FWB? Etc.
I guess 2 consenting adults would disagree with anything I have said and say they go into it not wanting a relationship and only sex but I just don't like it anyhow. Seems slutty on both person's parts. And that is probably why you say they don't share it with future partners or are proud of it. But just my thoughts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): I've never had a friends with benefits, I've never liked the idea myself either. I'm generally not the type of guy to just go around sleeping with random women willy nilly. I agree, FWB are negative with a lot of negative consequences, not to mention dangerous too. Anyone who favors these casual sex relationships show that they are easily led into bed with anyone that takes their fancy, hence you wouldn't be able to trust a FWB to limit their sexual experiences down to just one person at a time, to make sure its healthy and safe.
I could see a FWB being safer and more beneficial to people in the later years of life, who don't fancy committing 100% to a relationship or marriage, but who are done with playing the field too.
Just for the record, can you remember how much older this FWB was when you were 13? And did you actually know what you were doing in order to consent to it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): So if everyone is so aware of the problems of casual sex, then does that make it okay for me to ask my dates about their sexual history and habits? Our culture is so biased in favor of casual sex that we wont even be civil anymore to people who still want to avoid it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): Before we got married, my wife had been through a series of short term relationships that got sexual very quickly. My sense is that she would pick out a man who she thought had serious potential (marriage) and then have sex at least in part because she was hoping they'd fall for her after having sex with her. She'd end up falling hard for the men once she got physical with them (while dreaming of true love)
But, she invariably got dumped by the men once she started trying to push for a more serious relationships because the men were mostly in it for the sex. This led to a series of heartbreaks for her. Unfortunately, this seems to have affected her deeply, and she seems to struggle with letting herself go both emotionally and sexually now.
She says she's lost interest in sex now (she's 35). I have no way of knowing for sure, but I think her past experiences are at least part of the cause of this.
She also picked up herpes and HPV along the way. She has had to have precancerous growths (caused by the HPV)removed, and she needs to go in for regular screening to make sure it doesn't come back.
It would be nice to think we simply learn and grow from our past sexual experiences, but some people get hurt over and over, and this leads to emotional scars. I tend to think my wife would be much happier and healthier emotionally now if she hadn't thrown herself into relationships in the way she did. I don't think learning things the hard way is always best.
It would also be nice if my wife truely appreciated and loved me because I'm not like the men in her past relationships. But, in reality, the walls and scars seem to get in the way too much. I'm not sure she will ever truely heal and move on.
I see almost no benefits in my wife's experiences.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 August 2012):
 I think that in general they are a bad idea. Even among people who say they worked well, I have rarely heard of it working well for both people at the same time. Someone almost always winds up hurt. I lost my virginity to a FWB because I wanted to get it over with and I don't regret doing it, but the guy developed feelings for me and wound up getting hurt. I generally would advise people to try to avoid them if possible. A lot of times I think people get into them because they like someone and are taking the "next best thing," but in reality that will usually lead to more heartbreak than either waiting it out or just accepting the rejection when you're not as emotionally invested.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 August 2012):
I have never done casual sex. I never saw the point of it. For me, at least, sex is more then just physical.
To me it seems like we are having a "second coming" of the sexual revolution of the 1960. Except now it's all about me, me, me and instant gratification.
From what I have seen in life and on this website, FWB usually ends up being far from casual, someone gets their heart broke, feelings hurt, self esteem hits an all time low.
It also seems like people "assume" that having FWB situations makes it easier, only to find out that it isn't. And girls are still being judged by the number of sexual partners, so they "hide" the fact that they do FWB where as guys are still considered studs if they can manage many girls at once. And I still think the majority of girls agree to a FWB situation because they think that IF they have sex, the guy will fall in love with them.
Personally, I think the trend in having sex with out really giving a shit is one of the reasons cheating has gone absolutely viral.
I think if you are for it, then do your thing. If you don't think it's all that, stay above it. Do what YOUR conscience, morals and values tells you.
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