A
male
age
30-35,
*asden
writes:I have a bad feelings about one night stands. I see that many people have had one night stands in their lives which I think is very slutty to me. If I had a girlfriend I wouldn't be with a girl who has had one night stands because I want someone who has a lot of self-respect. But yea I know a lot of people do have one night stands and that's so worrying me !!! I feel like I will not find the girl who I'm looking for.... And where can I find a girl I'm looking for if one night stands are really normal ?
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female
reader, Fiona xxx  +, writes (16 April 2009):
 The more I think about it perhaps to a degree one night stands are the norm perhaps as a couple of isolated occasions, rather than something people do all the time, year after year...
I can see both sides to it. For me if I am honest, I spent a couple of years fighting off the opportunities, both with offers from guys and what girls my age were doing. Like you, I was always against the idea, knowing I wasn't going to do so, just because others were etc. I didn't want to regret it.
I did go out with a guy for 3 months without having sex (but did everything else) because of holding back and waiting. Then I learnt that it wasn't if you have sex with somebody or not that determines if you get hurt.
I was naturally not looking for a relationship but being 20 and having nights out, a lot of chances were there. I guess I became gradually used to the idea, in the same way that when you watch violence on films you get used to seeing that.
I became curious about what all the fuss was about and like the last person said, I didn't want to miss out because I wondered if surely so many people have one night stands, is it all bad? Do people feel used if they choose to do so? Does it really make you a bad person? I also figured that the chances of me meeting a guy who had slept around would be higher than not doing and if I never had any one night stand I wouldn't relate to it at all. So I see both sides of it now.
I only had 3 one night stands when I was 20 and these were spread out that year, i.e. Easter, Summer, Autumn. I learnt that sex was also good in this situation, but different, i.e. a different sort of sex. It's more about the buzz than the intimacy.
I think life is complex and we all have different life experience at different points and it doesn't stop you meeting somebody shortly afterwards as I did.
The only thing I am certain about is that one night stand is not for a virgin, I saw that happen and it's not nice. Sex in any situation needs to feel right for you both and what you both want too.
Fiona
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Hey Man you have gotten some excellent advice from Fiona and Peanut butter (mmm peanut butter),Anyway, I am in the same boat as you first gf was long term and since then havent wanted to sleep around. dont look at what other people are doing , do what your heart and your body tells you, You have to face yourself in the mirror and if you are just having one night stands , that wont be easy if you arent comfortable with it.You shouldnt feel like your missing the boat either, sex is wonderful and can be fantastic on both one night stands and when in a commited relationship but the key thing is that both parties have to have their heart in it.Relax dude, enjoy yourself, you will meet a nice girl who will want what you want, it takes some time, but ts worth waiting for,
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A
male
reader, Hasden +, writes (15 April 2009):
Hasden is verified as being by the original poster of the question It's something I noticed with age of 16 years old or older.
And thank you everyone for giving me good advices. ^^
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (15 April 2009):
Peanut must have typed at the same time as me because I didn't see her reply. You said you are 16, so are you worried about people you know of your age having one night stands, or is it something you notice with say 18-20 year olds? Or perhaps older? I am curious about the observations you made that's all. I don't think I am an old so and so ha-ha but I didn't think people had one night stands at 16, hence why I mentioned the slightly older 18-20 age that's all.
Regardless of one night stands being the norm beneath it all for those who have them at one point, people do bear in mind they would like a nice relationship at some point.
Actually I am sure girls will like your attitude towards it, and an attitude towards taking your time and so on, I am sure girls will find that sweet.
Fiona.
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A
male
reader, Hasden +, writes (15 April 2009):
Hasden is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Fiona. I've learned something form you.
And I forgot to tell you that I'm 16
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (15 April 2009):
This is a complicated issue isn't it. I would say about 50% or so of people have had one night stands at some part rather than "everybody" having done so, although it does feel like that doesn't it. May I emphasise the at some point, rather than it being all the time forever. Or is this more people these days than say 10 years ago?
To put this into perspective, I think it's something that people do when they are young, and then a couple of years later are happy for a long-term relationship, heading towards marriage. Perhaps others have one night stands when they are older after a divorce or end of a long-term relationship due to a bad experience.
Let's look at the other side of things, those we know who are married/long-term relationship etc are (hopefully) not having one night stands because they are happy and settled together. They only have eyes for that person.
Do you think that if you met a girl who had a one night stand, do you think that she wouldn't be faithful to you? Or not want the commitment and be looking for things to last? Or be after just one thing?
It is possible to meet somebody at a nightclub, bar, party, you just don't go back together that night and you'll soon see if the other person is interested in a relationship or not. After all somebody looking for a relationship won't ask you to go back because as you say, what would you think of her if she asked that...
I think it is more complex than simply having respect for yourself or not. Quite often people start of thinking like you and then have a couple of one night stands because of there being so many opportunities and noticing that it's the norm and that if everybody else is doing this... That's more about a conscious decision to have the fun and live in the moment because the person doesn't want a relationship at that point.
However given even a short time afterwards, the same person can want a relationship, it all depends on when somebody meets somebody they decide to give a chance. It's all about timing and being in a different time, place, year... People are generally attracted to a different sort of person for a relationship to a one night stand, so perhaps if you are getting a lot of offers, perhaps those girls wouldn't be your type anyway haha.
Also there are people who have had one, two, three one night stands spaced apart, rather than making a habit of it all the time. Do you feel differently about somebody like that who say experimented in that respect as an isolated occasion or two, but not recently?
If it's any consolation, my friends who I know had lots of one night stands are now all settled down anyway and married and happy. All that was a phase when they were say 18-22 or whatever.
You will meet a nice girlfriend. She may see things the same as you and be pleased that you have the same attitude. OR she might have had one or more one night stands a while back but won't now and is happy to be with you. You just don't know until you meet the person.
On this site I see both extremes of arguments. Somebody who is "older" and a virgin, or somebody who has had xx amount of partners. So I guess one night stands ties in with the how many partners you have had and how many you are comfortable with and what does that say to you etc.
Good luck
Fiona.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Hey, i think it depends on how you look at the situation and why one night stands occur.
I am nearly 30 years old and i have only slept with a handful of people and i have had a one-night-stand but i had just broken up with my long term partner and the person i slept with was a very good friend of mine and it just happened - afterwards we decided it wasnt going to happen again and we remain friends to this day - that wasnt a planned one night stand nor do i consider myself to be a slut because of it, it was something that happened in a moment and was gone.
Not all girls that have experienced a one night stand are sluts - in fact, some of them sleep with a guy once and the guy never speaks to them again and so they then are put in a place where they have had a one night stand and become a victim of circumstance, would you hold that or the previous reason for it against a girl that you really cared about?
I really don't think that one night stands are "the norm" generally at all, most people i know want to be in a relationship, be with someone that gives them something back, something to hold on to. You sound like a lovely young man if that is what you hope to gain in a relationship - you'll go far!
You are still young at the moment and so i think it likely that most girls you know wouldnt be sleeping around or having one night stands on a regular basis - there is a lot of hope for you finding the girl for you!
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