A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I wondered if anyone had any advice or insight into obsessions, or had experienced similar situations any of their family or friends.I was very close to a young man, but it never really developed outside the friend stage. We were very affectionate but never sexual. We met because we had the same interests, he was a member of this forum, tho I don't think he still is. Anyway, he suffered with ME which I was very understanding and sympathetic about. I don't know what his state of mind was, because of all the painkillers he was on. It was actually very sad. He had been in a long term relationship with a woman from Romania on Facebook, she came over two years back and spent the week with him, but she said she wasn't going to come back. They did not even have a week of passion, she stayed with him and his mum, and didn't even sleep with him. However, he has continued to constantly obsess over her, who to go into facts, already has a partner in her own country. His mother even told me that he had built his whole life around her, he started learning Romanian, and he gets upset if she doesn't Skype him or chat on Facebook every day. He even planned to leave to country to go live with her, but because of his illness, he couldn't go, and that made him angry. He told me that he envisioned him and her as a family unit, and the mother of his children! His mum was upset because of all the money he'd been spending on presents for her, and that whenever she had tried to talk sense into him, she always got the same answer.I fell out with him, because I told him he was being stupid, and that I would always be there for him. We were close, remember, and he had told me that we were friends for life and I was very precious to him. Because of this he made me public enemy number one, accused me of trying to ruin his life, and told all his friends I was a psychopath and I was seeking my revenge against his family. He actually became very emotionally abusive, accused me of things which downright were untrue, and even had me accosted at my own front door by his brother and his bouncer friend! I very nearly went to court over this, because the slander against me simply wasn't true, he was just hitting out at me because I told him what a lot of rot his Romania obsession was. Now he sees me as his enemy, which I am not, I am his friend, but trying to have a proper conversion with him is like trying to play chess with a monkey, he'll just shit all over the board and tell you he's won ! He loves to play the victim, and make out I am bullying him, but in actual fact it was me who was victimised, I was really hurt, and I lost someone I cared about who I thought was my friend. In fact, I am not the only friend he has lost over this, several of his friends were disgusted with him, and of course he blamed me for turning them against him! This situation is really dumb, because at heart he is a good person, I know this because I saw him two week ago and was nice and friendly to him, and gave him a hug. The only reason we are not speaking, is because he knows I don't approve of his obsession, and he is scared I will tell him off. He'd rather keep his obsession, and have me as his enemy, than have me as a friend and quit the bullshit.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 October 2014):
I really don’t see what the question is here. I’m afraid you’re wrong, he’s not a good person. He’s turned his back on his friends, refused to listen to advice, and even threatened you. And he’s done all this because he’s too foolish to see what’s absolutely obvious, that there is no future with this woman from Romania whatsoever. He’s not even listening to his own mother. But I’m afraid you’re overlooking how selfish and inconsiderate he is too because of your fear of losing the friendship, but you like what you wish he was, not what he actually is. If you want to leave the door open for him should he say sorry and ask for your forgiveness, that’s up to you, but I’d suggest you seriously think about cutting this person out of your life. He’s a mess, obsessed with some-one who doesn’t want him and turning on everyone who cares for him. You can’t, and shouldn’t have to, fix some-one this broken.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): Then if that's how he wants to be, there's nothing more you can possibly do. You've tried to talk to him, you've pointed out loud and clear what an issue this is. He responded by slandering you and sending "the boys" round...some friend...
If he won't listen to family or friends then he won't listen to anybody. Unfortunately until the Romanian woman stops accepting his presents and contacting him (I'm assuming she does as you say he gets silly if she doesn't Skype and he's spent his money on gifts for her) then he's going to think he's having some sort of relationship.
This is quite possibly the beginnings of a mental health problem. You can be there from a far, perhaps share the odd email or phone call with his mum but at this time I think he's going to keep refusing your support. You obviously care, but I really can't see what more you can do. You could perhaps call your local mental health crisis team...but unless he is actually behaving in a way that endangers others or himself they won't usual act. You could advise his mum she contacts his gp to get him some support - but he's probably in the mindset where he won't be willing to accept it :-(
You've done really well, don't be disappointed in yourself you have been the best friend you could be to him.
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