A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I’m hoping to get some advice and clarity on a situation with my ex. In 2014 I’m positive I met the love of my life, we dated for two years long distance, at the time neither one of us drove and both worked pretty crappy jobs so we saw each other about every three months. I’ve always been a person to scoff at the idea of the idea of the one or the love of your life until I met her, she changed my life, when we broke up it always seemed to me like it was the distance for her and it was difficult, I fell into deep depression, we talked frequently for two years and later she revealed to me that she felt anxiety over the fact that she relied so heavily on me. When we talked it seemed like she still had feelings for me and we could get back together, also at the time I was afraid to approach the subject in case I was wrong and it led to her disappearing. Near the end of the two years we both started dating again, my ex then told me that she would be deleting Facebook and that she would add me on another app so we could stay in contact but never did. It’s been almost another two years since we last spoke, I being single again for a few months and she freshly single with a child and another on the way. She created a new Facebook account with a different name. We spoke for a few days and she told me she was in an abusive relationship, my heart broke, I’ve worried about her over the years, as from what I knew her bf at the time was only clean for a few months and currently she’s living in a highly covid-19 infected area. So it was a relief to know that she’s alive and for the most part well. I tried to take an interest in her child and she didn’t seem to offer many details so I decided it was best not to pry, I don’t have any intentions on trying to form a romantic relationship with her but I’d very much like to be able to support her and offer some type of comfort. She again deleted Facebook but this time we exchanged numbers. I want to reach out but also don’t want to suffocate her. I feel like she wants me to be a part of her life but that could also be wishful thinking, I don’t know how to approach her because I know she can be very reclusive even when she doesn’t want to be, she also apologized to me for not being absent and not there for me. We speak like people who know each other well but also not at all, she is the love of my life or at least the greatest love I’ve come to have and I would do anything for her, I just want to be there for her without complicating her life any further. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you in advance. Take care and stay safe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2020): I have to join the consensus of others. I totally agree that you need to discontinue all contact and cut-ties with this woman.
There is such a thing as an "addiction" to a person. It's normally referred to as an obsession; but regardless of what you want to call it, it is an unhealthy co-dependency and emotional-attachment that is dismal and dark. People are drawn to and/or feel compelled to always be with a certain individual; but they find no happiness or fulfillment in doing so. Like being helplessly-addicted to a narcotic drug. The addict will stop for awhile; but they'll go into withdrawal. The agonizing cravings overwhelm them, and they go back to it. The effects of the drug are not all good.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, in your post explains why you are so enthralled and taken by this woman.
Her life is toxic, dark, and depressing. All I gather from your story, is that you feel sorry for her; and seem to feel of kindred-spirit. Somehow you're drawn into her oppressed life; feeling somehow you are her life-preserver. Sweetie, who's going to help you? Two blind-people leading each-other around are likely to fall into a ditch!
You see all your own weaknesses and shortcomings in her; and rather than working on your own issues, you project your feelings about yourself onto her. Maybe sometimes you feel alone and abandoned; and through empathy, you feel obligated to rescue her. I've seen this same scenario dozens of times in a lot of gay-people. Straight-women too! Rich, poor, and in-between. Not all gay-people come from tragic family-lives. You would think so; if you went by movie-portrayals of us; but for many, the journey was a long and arduous one. Parents do not teach their gay-children how to deal with being gay, or how to survive life as a gay-person. You learn by first-hand experience; or through trial and error.
The gay-community is full of people who come from estrangement, dysfunctional-families, some are victims of sexual-molestation, were kicked-out of their homes; or they underwent traumatic conversion-therapy forced upon them. Therefore, they form or seek unhealthy-relationships; and create their own families. Either by gathering in groups, gangs, or cliques; or by forming co-dependent tumultuous romantic-relationships with very broken people. Drama, drama, and more drama!
What some... actually most...really need is counseling, education, and to diligently strive to overcome all the obstacles, abuse, and discrimination they've endured growing-up. Many have "crappy jobs;" because they left home too young, quit high school, skipped higher-education, or dropped-out of college. They work in retail, they're servers in restaurants, tend bars, do drag shows, or they hustle. If you never seek help, you have to find a way to cope with the stress and struggle with your inner-demons by yourself. Those demons are relentless, and they don't let-go! Thus finding someone with more demons than you have is counterproductive; and inviting more trouble into your life.
Many turn to alcohol, or drugs. Well, partying is how many young gays come-out. In college, they fall into the wrong crowd; and they get thrown of-course, and don't complete their degrees. They get too involved in dramatic and messy relationships, and become full-fledged drama queens. They go from one terrible relationship to the next-one; which is usually worse. I've seen it with my very own eyes! I know what I'm talking about.
You feel you and your friend are two of a kind; and sometimes misery loves company; because you feel she is the only one you know who makes you feel better about yourself. You think you understand each other. Girlfriend, distance was never your problem. Getting too close was the problem! Like mixing sulfur and chlorine, you create a noxious gas!
You are of very little or no help to her; because it seems neither of you have progressed beyond where you were when you first met. Neither of you have shown you've progressed psychologically, nor how you navigate your way through life. You seem only to be treading water. Grabbing-hold of her, you will only sink and drown! I only get a small picture through your post, but your words speak volumes. Through personal-experience, I have witnessed what you're going through with some of my own dear friends. I've watched my well-to-do lesbian or older male-friends spending tons of money trying to help and turnaround the lives of what were nothing but pretty young losers and hustlers. Feeling sorry for their pitiful-lives. It never worked-out. I've never seen a single one of them saved. Only the ones who decided they wanted to change; and I saw miracles appear before my eyes. THEY transformed THEMSELVES, and their lives exploded with success! They did it themselves and on their own energy; because they decided that's what they had to do! No matter what obstacles got in their way! It started when they dissociated with all their bad-influences; and broke-away from bad-relationships!
I think you should completely go no-contact, and search for the light. Neither of you uplifted each-other, you just suffered together. I didn't sense anything but gloom throughout your entire post. That's so very unfortunate. I don't think either of you are healthy for each other; and all your depression and unhappiness associated with your connection to this person means she is toxic, and drains the light from your soul. The addiction must be cured cold-turkey. Just breakaway, and move-on. She survives without you, as you've found-out recently. She does not love you, she admitted to having an unhealthy-dependency. She relied heavily on your help, but her love wasn't in it for you.
You must come to terms with the reality of that. Your perceived-love for her does not assure that she reciprocates those feelings. Gratitude is often mistaken for love. Both create very similar warm-feelings within us when received.
You might need to find yourself a trade-school or community college, to enhance your job-skills. Even if you do have a degree. You may need to change vocations, or cross-train. Finish your degree, if you dropped out of college. You should be in a mental-health treatment program to deal with your depression and possible co-dependency (addiction) you've developed through an unhealthy-attachment to this female. You need to work on yourself, and concentrate on YOUR life. Let her deal with hers. What she got herself into, and what she's doing is her business! Not yours!
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 April 2020):
 I have to agree, you need to leave this one alone.
It may be upsetting but your life is more important. If she wanted to speak to you she would do, she keeps messaging you then disappearing. Does that sound like someone who wants to keep in touch? She could message you daily if she wanted to, but she doesn’t.
Move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 April 2020):
 I get that you care deeply for this woman, but the thing is, YOU need to move on.
You might FEEL she is "The One" for you, but the feeling isn't mutual. She sounds like you were her LD life-raft, her pick-me-up and therapist, in a tumultuous life. BUT not THE ONE for her.
She moved on after you and had another child. My guess is her children are her main focus.
Some people can be friends after they break up, but only REALLY if there are absolutely NO romantic feelings left, you still carry a torch the size of the Eiffel Tower, which means you are not REALLY going to be the kind of friend SHE needs. And she won't be what you would like her to BE.
Wish her well, let her go.
Focus on your life.
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