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Am I wasting my time? Is he using me?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Okay so in march I started speaking to this guy, he's really nice and stuff. Anyhow we finally met in April at a house party and one thug led to another and well - we had what you would call a 'one night stand' however afterward due to him being in the army he flew out O Canada the day after and is still currently there. He initiated the conversation at first saying how he couldn't wait to see me when e gets back and how much he thinks about that night. However, in the past three weeks he's messaged me, but when I've replied he's ignored me. I've messaged him and he's replied once or twice but then again ignores me. Is/was he using me? I really like the guy, he's lovely but I don't know if I'm wasting my time or if he was just using me for something. I'm really confused. Any outside views would be greatly appreciated to help me shed some light onto this baffling situation. Thanks.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2014):

02DuszJ agony auntYeah I agree with wise owl that it's futile to try and build something really meaningful from a one night stand... 99% of the time people are under influence , judgement is clouded, inhibitions lowered and people do wild, reckless things without even being aware of the consequences in the state... It's likely he did really fancy you, but just decided he can't invest into a relationship.

This Isn't a personal blow- He's a one night stand that jet sets around, and isn't responding to your messages. Really sorry but he doesn't want a relationship with you- you don't know each well and he's not in the same place as you.

I advise you to take your mind off it, see your girlfriends, kick back, take deep breaths and move on. Have fun but lay off the one night stands!

Good luck and don't worry , :)

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A female reader, OuttaTime88 United States +, writes (30 June 2014):

OuttaTime88 agony auntHe had a lot of fun on your night together. He messages you to keep the door open for more fun. He doesn't feel bothered to respond to your messages because he really isn't interested in conversation. If you are looking for something serious with this guy, then yes you are wasting your time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2014):

Yes, unfortunately, I think he is using you. He might have only thought it was a fun, one-night-stand, and that he is giving you a "gentle hint" by not responding to your messages or hardly responding to you at all. He's trying to let you down easy but it's not working because you wamt more. You can do one of two things. a) you can blatantly ask him if he only wanted sex and is that it and wait for an honest response (and you might get none, get a "so are you making me the bad guy?" or no response at all) or b) you can not contact him at all and see what happens. He may try to contact you again, just to be polite or something (or to ask to meet up, in which case you can make it clear that it will NOT be for sex ever again because you are NOT one to be used) or he may just not respond at all. sadly, either way, you will have your answer. Sadly, it will not be the one you want.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

I don't recommend that you build any hopes behind a one-night stand. There is very little time to really get to know a person; so everything is based on a first-impression.

Naturally after a few drinks and a festive party atmosphere; people seem fun and exciting. You're horny and it's been awhile, and this great-looking sexy guy puts the moves on you; or the other-way around. You're caught-up in a moment. You've only known each other long enough to turn each other on.

He is only telling you he had a good-time, and he is referring to the sex. Not anything much about you; because he doesn't know you.

I am going to give you an emphatic YES, YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME. He can leave at the drop of a hat, he's the typical military-player who leaves girls like you every-where he goes. He can conveniently use the fact he is called to service as an excuse, and not commit to anyone.

If you're going to hang you heart on guys you meet and have sex with all in one-night, you're in for a lot of disappointment.

I hope you also practiced safe-sex so there is no threat of an STD. If you were pregnant, you would have known long before now. I always warn people against taking such risks with their health, and in this case I am also going warning about risking your feelings. Don't feel guilt or remorse. It will happen, or has, to most healthy sane adults sooner or later.

One-night stands can happen unexpectedly, but they normally happen under the wrong conditions. People are usually under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol; so you're not always using your best judgement. People often claim on DC that they used condoms when asked in such situations, but in most cases; I don't believe them.

I don't because I have to wonder how many single-women are expecting to get picked up by some guy at a party, a bar, or a club; and keep condoms at home just in case? Some do. They should, but most don't. They rely on the guy to have them, and what happens if he doesn't have any? They have sex anyway. Heterosexual people don't feel they are in high risk of HIV, or other STD's. They think that's something gay people have to worry about. The only thing they can do when they get infected, is feel a lot of regret and remorse.

You can't leave yourself vulnerable to infection without knowing anything about your partner. I don't mean to come across self-righteously. I care about people, and I've lost friends to AIDS or know people who are HIV-positive. They didn't take precautions, and they took risks. They weren't prepared and took a chance. One time is all it takes. People often lie about their HIV status.

If you want to know if men care about you, try dating them a few times before you offer them your body. Oh, I've had one-night stands before. So I'm not preaching to you. I'm advising you. If you are going to have casual spontaneous sex or an ONS, you can't put feelings behind it. The odds of your partner having reciprocal feelings for you are very very low. They may even pretend they don't even know you.

That guy will string you along and keep the door open, just so the next time he sees you he has a preset hookup. He likely has many numbers from different girls in places he has been; and most likely will check them out next time he's in their area. Military-men are notorious for that. I used to be in the military, and my buddies used to brag about how many girls they met; and had quickies or one-night stands just over a weekend. So I'm not just talking out my butt.

I'm warning you for your own good. Don't make it a habit of giving-up sex the first-day or night you meet a guy. Not if you want him to call again. Most often they will not, or will only keep you on his list of sex-buddies.

You want to know if he has real interest? Maybe. If you held back the sex until you dated each other first, you wouldn't have to wonder. If he ignores your texts and answers hours if not days later. Stop. Ignore him and move on. Delete his number. Don't allow any guy to treat you like that. If he gave a sh*t, he wouldn't. I by no means want to hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad about what you did. I only want to get you to think and be careful, to avoid letting yourself be used or played.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (30 June 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt I do not think it is a matter of using you, as much as of you two having different expectations and different agendas ( Unless he had explicitely promised dating , or building a relationship etc . )

You hooked up , it was a hot , fun night- the guy obviously won't mind to have more of the same if there's the chance. Not being a total ass...he, he is capable of keeping things civil and friendly , and he will occasionally shoot you a text , and / or answer yours.

For him it's fine like that. He won't be nailed down to a schedule or to regular exchanges with you. And maybe he assumes that this should be fine for you too, seen how it started.

If you had thought / hoped / implied that , since that first hook up went well, authomatically it was going to become something more, chances are you'd be disappointed.

Good sex, and being able to have fun together, does not necessarily mean or beget committment, feelings or a relationship.

If that is what you are looking for,... classic advice, sounds old fashioned but it always works,- then WAIT before having sex that both parties have said, and SHOWN, what they really want.

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