A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am seriously in need of some advice. DH and I have been married for about 4 years. We live in the US, his parents live in India (thankfully!). We are all Indians. My in-laws have serious ego issues. From what I hear, FIL has always been a man with a BIG, FAT ego and everyone (including MIL, BIL, DH and even extended family) have always given into him. He is a very insecure person and has the most irritating passive aggressive personality you can think of! MIL is no saint. She is a master manipulator. All their lives, MIL and FIL have perfected the good cop-bad cop routine and have successfully used it to manipulate their kids and others to get what they wanted. MIL’s 'poor me' act is beyond irritating.. unfortunately, it is also very effective with DH. I always knew that FMIL were going to be trouble. When DH and I decided to get married, he desperately wanted his parents’ approval (Indian tradition, so I didn’t think much of it). He had to beg them to talk to my parents, which they refused for months. After a lot of pleading by DH, FIL agreed to talk to my parents if my father would travel 2000 miles to FIL’s house and ask for my hand in marriage (his ego making demands here). My father did that and even agreed that the wedding will be in their part of the country and will be as per their traditions. MIL made the whole wedding about herself. She even kept my wedding dress with her and gave it me the day of the wedding. My folks had not seen the dress till the day of the wedding when they were the ones that paid for it. She orchestrated every dress, detail of my wedding celebrations – jewelry, make up everything! I didn’t have a say in any of it. She kept saying all the rules are as per the customs of their family, which turned out to be nothing but lies so she could flaunt my wedding dress and other dresses to her friends like she bought them for me! #$%^ and Anyways, 4 years have passed since then. FMIL kept up with their crap every chance they got. When they visit us, MIL takes charge of my kitchen and expects me to play second fiddle to her, and even snaps at me if I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. She buys art décor for my house (she has stupid taste), changes bed spreads on my bed and just completely takes charge of the whole house and I am to lie in the corner without any protests. A lot of things FMIL did/said, others from their family did hurt me very much, but I kept quiet. I am a very non-confrontational person, it was easier for me to ignore than deal with their crap. Even kids in their family feel like they can be rude and disrespectful to me. A couple of months ago, DH’s ex-girlfriend messaged him and told him that DH’s younger brother (7 years younger than us) has been pinging her for the past 2 years telling her how he and his family hate me, never wanted DH to marry me and how he thinks DH should have married her instead. I was shocked to hear this. BIL apparently also told the ex that there is something medically wrong with me which is why we are unable to have children even after being married 4 years! Can you imagine that?! Talking about my personal life with her??? I had DH ask BIL why he was doing this and he denied having anything to do with this. Said, someone hacked into his email and must’ve done this. DH’s ex also told DH that BIL has been pinging her from his google, yahoo, facebook IDs. So, all his accounts were hacked into??? I was furious and I refused to talk to anyone from DH’s family. Not only are they up to crap like this, they are even denying it. FMIL told DH that I was being irrational and over reacting, apparently someone is playing the mischief here and I shouldn’t be bothered and must act like nothing ever happened. DH says he has no doubt in his mind that his brother is innocent. I am 100% convinced that if it is not BIL himself, at the very least BIL knows who is chatting with this girl. Am I being unreasonable? Should I be doing something different in this scenario? I feel very violated by this family, I absolutely do not want to talk to any of them when all they are willing to say is that its not them, its not anyone from their family and that I am being unreasonable. I am upset that someone would say crap like I have medical issues and can’t have children. Its not even true!!!!! I am still in school.. DH and I decided we will wait till we settle down in our careers before planning for kids. MIL did some fertility tests on me (she is a doctor) a couple of years ago. She even told me to my face that I will have issues because I didn’t have kids when I was younger. I am 30 years old!!!!!!!! Surely, I am not TOO old to have kids!! I don’t understand how a random stranger will want to track down DH’s ex, tell her about me, tell her I have problems.. why would anyone do that? It HAS to be someone from this family, right??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): Thank you aunts for all your advice! Your words give me strength! I am really counting on DHs support through this issue. I hope I can stay strong and not give into the in-laws unreasonable demands. I need to make DH see things rationally, he has been brainwashed to only see F/MIL's pain and they are really good at painting themselves as the victims. Fortunately for me, DH sees and agrees his parents are not as straight as they would like others to believe. This will a long struggle for me.. sigh! :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): No it's obvious that someone within the family contacted the ex-girlfriend and told her all about you. It's just too unlikely that someone would hack into ALL the accounts and also know everything about you! it's insulting that they would expect you to fall for that.
"but I kept quiet. I am a very non-confrontational person, it was easier for me to ignore than deal with their crap."
This non-confrontational approach works in the short term only. it works for non-chronic conditions that will sooner or later blow over with time without you having to do anything. For example if it was just a neighbor or co-worker who was the troublesome person in your life, then this non-confrontational approach is a good one because you know that life's circumstances will sooner or later take you away from that person - e.g. one of you gets a different job or moves away - and then they are no longer in your life without you having to do anything, and thus no longer able to cause problems anymore that you have to ignore. In this case, the non-confrontational/ignoring approach works because it's just buying time waiting until circumstances naturally resolve themselves by taking this person/situation out of your life.
But that approach does NOT work with chronic problems/situations that are permanent and here to stay. Relationships with family and in-laws are permanent. You can't change who your husband's parents are, so they will always be in your life for as long as you are married to him.
Since yours is a situation that will not blow over with time, your ignoring strategy just cannot work in the long run because it just means you have to keep ignoring, and ignoring, and ignoring even more. All while more and more 'stuff' gets thrown at you. There will be no end because these people are permanent in your life.
Therefore, it's time to stop ignoring and stop being non-confrontational. This approach is not suitable for your situation. I can't guarantee that standing up for yourself will make them back off or respect you more. It might actually worsen the situation to now be in a all-our war with them. But it's worth a shot. It may work.
I'm sorry if this sounds extreme but I think you should seriously reconsider if you should stay married to this guy. He is siding with his family when they do hurtful things to you. By definition that means that he is not "in" the marriage, so why should you be??
I have a friend who is going through something very similar with her in-laws and hb. For her it's been going on 15 years already. The hb has often made references to wanting to move back to his country of origin to be nearer his parents. My friend has made very clear in no uncertain terms that if he wants that, she WILL divorce him. She has even been preparing their daughter for the possibility of divorce. I think you had better also take a stand, the sooner the better, don't let 10 years go by before you do anything.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Oh honey! You've got bigger problems than what can be solved here. To answer your question, yes! It has to be someone from his family. These people are terrible!
This is what needs to happen ok?
1# Your husband nees to man up. Based on what you've said here I don't see that happening ever. If you have kids with this man you will be trapped and things will only get worse.
2# Run to the nearst exit. Get out of that family NOW. Things will not change. These people are evil and manipulative including the younger brother. What a little shit!
The problem is you are standing in the center of all these people playing a game of whack-a-mole that you will never ever win. Look, you sound like a very intelligent young woman. You deserve better treatment. You MIL is as nasty as they come. What kind of woman goes into another woman's house and changes the decor or bed spread? Tell your husband you are leaving unless he severs ties with his family. They are clearly toxic. NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE WITH THESE PEOPLE. This is there MO and has been for many years.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 March 2012):
 OH my goodness, you are a saint for taking all that crap so far.!
Ok, best advice I can give you is this. "KILL" her with kindness and spend a little time with her as you can.
As for the BIL, well now you know what he is up to, so I would simply keep the "talking" to a bare minimum.
Honestly, I would let his family do their drama llama pony show without you. Don't react to it, and try not to get upset.
Your DH loves his family, and whether you like it or not, will always love them. So hard as it may seem best thing you can do is don't let the drama get to you.
Who cares what the ex says? Who cares what the BIL,FIL,MIL thinks?
You and your DH, live your life enjoy it together, have kids when you are ready and be GLAD that his family lives FAR FAR away.
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