A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling a little guilty taking advantage of a young man's ego, but he is fully aware of the situation and seems perfectly OK with what is happening. I would appreciate some independent feedback even if it is critical of some of my choices.I am a part-time yoga instructor at a campus fitness center that serves undergraduate and graduate students, faculty, and university staff. I am a single 32F and mother of two (8 and 10 year old boys). Child support is generous and reliable, but I also earn needed extra income teaching 4 yoga classes 3 times a week (so 12 one-hour sessions per week). I am paid based on the number of participants who sign up. The maximum class size is 30. Unfortunately, the classes are normally undersubscribed averaging about 6 to 10 participants.My issue involves one of the regular young men who seems to live at the gym he is there so often. His name is Alan. He is 22 and a first-year graduate student in electrical engineering (very smart). When he is not working, in class, or studying, he admits he spends all of his free time at the fitness center. He seems to be everywhere (lifting weights, running the indoor track, coming and going from the pool, climbing the rock wall, jumping rope). Before we actually met I chased him out of our yoga space several times doing calisthenics. Alan flirts a lot with females of all ages (including me), but never seems to ask anyone out. He says the fitness center is his social life and that he just likes flirting with “healthy” people. He also talks a lot about endorphins and says exercise arouses him. That may be a line but there may be something to it. He is shy at first, but a charmer, and remembers names very well. He is likable even though he has a bit of an ego and watches himself in the mirrors when exercising (which he admits and is apparently a source of amusement among his fellow lifters). He is open about his egomania and described something he calls “casual flexing” or flexing muscles to be noticed while acting like you are not deliberately flexing. It is more obvious than he thinks but I was amused he admitted his tactic. He is not tall (5 foot 8 inches). He is not exactly a bodybuilder but seems obsessed with maintaining his exact level of muscularity and low body fat. In short, he is handsome, clean cut, and physically well defined with a pleasant personality. I say all this not because of any interest on my part, but to explain why he is popular.With that background, one day Alan approached me with his casual flexing and charming banter while I was doing paperwork for my classes. I asked why he never signed up for yoga. He made some comment about it being for girls. I explained how one boy in a class full of girls might see that as an advantage. My obvious manipulation worked and he signed up and followed me to the class right then. He was awkward at first, but was flexible and athletic enough he mastered many poses rather quickly. He was the complete focus of attention for my female class. At the end of the hour, he was surrounded by female attention including some taking selfies with him like he was a celebrity. It was a thrill for him and very amusing to watch.Happily, Alan kept showing up and my class began to grow. In just two weeks we maxed out with 30 participants (all female). It would seem some of Alan’s fans in the class spread the word there was a new “hottie” in the class. Social media is amazing. My class was an unofficial Alan fan club. Of course, everyone is doing yoga and getting healthier in the process and I was glad for the boost financially. Alan is aware of his role in attendance and what it means to me. He refuses to take anything even by way of a gift of gratitude beyond letting me by him a Gatorade from the vending machine. He explains he just is enjoying the ego trip and attention and said he looks forward to yoga class and the adoring flirty chatting afterward. I asked how he would feel moving his mat beside mine facing everyone to give the ladies what they want (a better view). He agreed instantly and you would think he is the instructor now. It is so cute how the girls talk him into demonstrating sexy poses: “Alan, can you show us that again.” At the suggestion of some of his classmates he has begun wearing skintight underarmour tank tops instead of the loose tanks he had favored. Objectively, he looks incredible in them. Somehow his musculature is emphasized even more with every movement. It is positively distracting. I have asked him how many dates he has gained from his yoga adventures and he said only one and that had been a mistake so he was just going to keep things to flirting in class (although he seems to have a mini-audience now and then when he is doing other things). I thanked him for being such a positive force and told him what it meant to me as a working mom to have a full class. He said it was blast for him as he would be hanging out at the fitness center anyway and he was loving the attention. He asked about my other classes and I told him they were all 10 or less students at the time. He asked about the class times and did some checking on his class and work schedule on his phone and he said he would sign up for all four classes. I thought he was joking but he started showing up at every single class (that is 12 hours a week). Within far less time than I imagined all four of my classes are now at maximum attendance, although there are now a few male participants who have apparently made passes at Alan which he politely declined. Regardless, young Alan has quadrupled my yoga income just by showing up faithfully and being his easy-going flirty self and wearing his new underarmour shirts. My gratitude is obviously through the roof. He seems excited to know how much it means to me personally and, of course, he is enjoying all the flirting and attention. He has gotten very skilled and controlled in his poses and if he wasn’t winking, flashing grins, and casual flexing most of the time you would think he was a fan of yoga for its own sake. Part of me feared there might be a price to be paid for all this at some point, expecting him to ask me on date or maybe have other expectations. And yet, he continues to be a gentleman. He asks for nothing except feedback on his appearance (always hungry for compliments) and the occasional Gatorade. He actually keeps thanking me for talking him into coming to yoga. I hope he meets someone special and this leads to a broader social life for him. Either way, I just feel like the situation is so one-sided. He gives 12 hours of his time every week and I benefit so much. What is right in this situation? When I suggested sharing some of my instructor income he became very upset, so I did not bring it up again. Any ideas?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2022): You say he is a young man but then you talk about him as if he is some naive fool with no brains whatsoever. Obviously he gets a lot out of this set up and he told you this, so your question makes no sense at all, other than that you fancy him
and really want more to come of this than is already there.
You would love to think he feels the same way about you etc.
You are the one who wants more and it annoys you that he does not.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 July 2022):
 He is a 22-year-old little Narcissus :)
(note, NOT calling him a narcissist)
"In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a hunter from Thespiae in Boeotia who was known for his beauty. According to Tzetzes, he rejected all romantic advances, eventually falling in love with his own reflection in a pool of water, staring at it for the remainder of his life."
Yoga is GREAT for keeping the body lean and limber so I can see why he is staying for the classes (besides getting all the female attention).
I'd say, just let him know that you appreciate his help but that you don't expect him to be there for every class. His studies ARe (after all) WAY more important.
" Either way, I just feel like the situation is so one-sided. He gives 12 hours of his time every week and I benefit so much. "
Oh no... OP He is getting "payment" in spades. He is having young women show up to Yoga because they want a shot at him. More than they want to learn Yoga. LOL trust me. HE is getting plenty out of this. And if he at some point doesn't FEEL like this is feeding his ego enough, he will drop out, when he does just accept it gracefully.
And honestly? Be glad he isn't using your class to score hookups or dates. He is just flirting and having fun, but not disrupting the class with drama.
This is symbiotic, OP
"denoting a mutually beneficial relationship between different people or groups."
All good, all gravy.
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