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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: 3-4 weeks ago my partner bought a bouquet of flowers for a sales girl who sold him an watch.he is still denying it or that he even knows her even though i have proof he didi know through seeing the flowers bill and ringing this girl up, although she said the card read "anonymous admirer". anyway,after i had called her he then said he had had a weird phone call from this jewellers shop asking him if he was the sender of her flowers!since he bought the watch, he has sort of disappeared - 3 nights away (xmas parties) and not returned my calls and a full day out xms shopping, but then said he had been test driving for a new car.-yeah right!he is now saying we have to both work at our relationship if it is to last / and i have to stop prying and asking questions and be positive.if he does have something going with her and she knows i know then surely she will try to inflame the situation? - or maybe he had a "fling" and its come to an end.she lives about 100 miles away, so he cant nip out to see her, but he is secretive with his mobile.he has said he wont have anymore nights away and he loves me and wants us to work out.at the moment i can't eat and haven't done so for 5 days. i feel sick - how can i trust him when he is denying even the flowers? never mind seeing her!could i be wrong.it seems a coincidence that he has a bill for £50 for flowers from a florist in the town she lives, he is saying they were for his ex wife and her partner as her mother had just passed away (she had) and they were staying in that town for the funeral - lies roll so easily off his tongue - i know this or this is what i believe now as it doesn't really add up.i see a solicitor today, to see where i stand.i love him and want us to work, but its the lying more than the fact he could have had/or is having an affair/flingam i stupid to try to make us work or can people get through this
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (19 December 2006):
 I think one thing u need to learn not to do in a relationship is snooping, as stupid as it sounds but some things are better not known especially if u know ur partner is the active type. He might have bought the flowers for her bcos he wanted her that’s why she says the card read an anonymous admirer; she might be innocent in all this and she might not but I don’t think she knew u, u might find out she is also a victim in all this and she felt sorry for u and lied just to protect u while deep down she was hurting,
Or maybe nothing happened; the thing is u might never get a proof, unless u can talk to her nicely woman to woman she might open up.
It seems to me u guys have been unhappy for a while bcos I don’t think something like this u don’t have a proof for can break u up. What is the exwife saying about this did she receive the flowers? Is it true she was staying in the same town during the funeral? Bfore u blow things out of proportion find that out, if non of these is true then calmly confront him, if it cant be solved then it will be time for decisions whether u want to live with someone u cant trust or deceive urself that maybe one day he will change.
But if he comes clean and apologise and want this to work out and u are willing to give him a chance; yes a couple can get thru this, but u will need to eat so that u don’t die of hunger while at it. And I don’t think u are stupid as well, I think u are an angry woman who is tired of lies.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (19 December 2006):
 I don't think you are stupid and any 'paranoia' is probably due to your experience with this relationship. Basically, you are both to blame for where you have arrived now and I honestly think you too are just very bad for each other. You don't respect him as he is a liar, and he doesn't respect you if he lies about flowers and whatever else. Therefore, what is the point?
I wouldn't have been worried by the flowers so much as his denial of sending them to some random shop assistant - you have a right to be concerned by secretive behaviour. However, you have been checking up on him and it is unhealthy to expect him to stay home and focus on the relationship 100%. It is also unhealthy to check out his whereabouts. By this I mean people who are naturally mean't to be together just click and find the right balance - you both seem to be trying too hard to keep this together and perhaps you are just not suited to each other. If he makes you feel ill (i.e. not eating) then it is just wrong - emotional abuse if you like (intentional or otherwise). If he makes you feel like seeing solicitors to protect yourself then the relationship is doomed as all trust has gone. It takes more courage and personal strength of character to walk away from a sinking ship than to clinge on for fear of single life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): I disagree what the last answer (what I could understand of it: it was barely readable)
I may be wrong but you come across as incredably paranoid, and irrationally needy and insecure. This has obviously come from somewhere, but your partner cheating and lying to you? Perhaps not?
Your answer can be found in talking to him, and having him help you work out your worries. If this doesn't work, I suggest you try councelling together, it seems he would be interested in that?
Perhaps though - your relationship is already over. In one line you seem to want to make things work, in another, your seeking legal advice. I think you are an extremely confused person, and considering your age, I'd personally look in to my past and see if this paranoia is a repeating problem in your relationships, and I'd try and find out if there is a first cause.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): im so sorry hunny but i think u no deep down hes lyin thats wat it sounds like u need to b strong an dnt think ur goin daft coz u rnt its like askn wat2 add 2 is , wat a rat maybe it was a fling an its over now thats y hes saying that ur obviously a smart lady who no wats wat an when sumthings up dnt b fooled tell him if he dsnt tell the truth there will b no future lies r bad and thats one thing i cnt stand,u need to decide if u cud ever trust him again which is hard once the trust is gone, tell him u hv more proof and try to catch him out whens hes asleep get his phone i no its sneaky but its the only way if u realy want to no b prepared 4 the worst tho,or if u lv him so much an u think u can work things out then u must 4 get about this and work things out only u can decide wats best 4 u i wish u all the best,from 35 yr old female
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