A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am looking for some advice. Basically, my question is how attracted do you need to be to your partner for a relationship to last? I’ve seen a lot of people asking questions about not being attracted at all versus intense passion, but what if it’s somewhere in the middle?I have been in a relationship for around 9 months and things are going really well. He is without doubt, the best guy I’ve ever met. He’s smart, caring, funny and he has my back 100%. For the first time, I feel like I can be completely myself in a relationship and he accepts me for who I am. We are best friends and he is the person I want to speak to first about anything that happens in my life and vice versa. All in all, I feel a lovely sense of calm and happiness around him that I’ve never had before, and although it’s still fairly early, I can see myself with him for the rest of my life.The problem, and I use that term loosely, is he is not my usual type looks wise and I don’t have that ‘want to rip his clothes off’ feeling with him. I don’t look at him and get butterflies or think he is gorgeous in the way I have with crushes in the past. That’s not to say I don’t find him attractive though because I do. The sex is very good - the best I’ve ever had actually - and we have a very healthy sex life. In fact I crave sex with him a lot but it’s more to do with the connection we have rather than his appearance. I had never thought this was a problem before, then I was having a chat with my girlfriends the other day when we started talking about attraction. They all maintain that a relationship will never last if you don’t have that animal attraction to begin with. I tried to explain that I disagree but they all seem to believe I’m settling in some way and when life’s struggles come along, the cracks will start to show in my relationship as we don’t have that fire to carry us through.So I was just looking for advice really on whether people agree with this or not? It’s not like I’m planning to break up with my boyfriend or anything - the thought is unimaginable - I was just surprised I was the only one of us that believed earth shaking passion to that level isn’t essential to long term happiness.So I guess in short my question is this - am I settling to accept a relationship with deep compatibility and companionship and a medium level of sexual attraction, or am I right in thinking this is a good balance to have?
View related questions:
best friend, crush, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): I was not attracted to my partner when we met - he wasn't my 'type' at all. But I loved his personality.
As our relationship grew, I found my 'type' went out of the window. And the 'animal' attraction kicked in, unexpectedly, and stayed.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): Your immature girlfriends all vote to put you in a pure lust relationship and it is not surprising, because that is the prevailing world view. That is why so many kids are born out of wedlock! That is why so many babies are being aborted! That is why there are sooo many struggling single moms! That is why over half of marriages end in divorce! Would you think of building a house or a garage or a shed without having a concrete foundation to build it on? If you chose to go the lust route, the relationship will crack and fall, just like a house with no concrete cement and stone foundation! You and your bf are doing this the right way, building a well cemented foundation to build on and strengthen to stand the test of time! Do you want a man to love and trust and be your bff, and who respects you and your dialoge with him, or do you want a hot body with a poor everything else? Do you want a conceited bf, who thinks he is gods gift? The man who has your back is the man you need! Plus you crave HIS sex!!! Xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2019): You speak so highly of him, seem so sure yet you allow how you feel to be swayed by others opinions? Animal attraction does not equate to compatibility, I met men when I was younger and quite often it was lust. But love and deeper feelings are so different and for some reason I have only had those feelings for two men in my life and it never started off as this 'animal attraction'. I agree there has to be an element of attraction in the first place, a sexual compatibility because if there wasnt why would you continue dating, you may as well be friends. But lust does not necessarily lead to long term love, it never did in my experience, there simply has to be much more for a relationship to work...
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (27 October 2019):
 The bit of your post which stuck out for me was "I had never thought this was a problem before, then I was having a chat with my girlfriends". You need to do what feels right to YOU, not someone else. Your friends are not the ones in the relationship; YOU are.
You've had relationships/crushes in the past where you have had all the passionate feelings. Where are they now? Obviously none of them lasted. Doesn't that tell you something? The high passion is to lure you into a relationship. Once you are in it, things settle. How many posts do you see on DC where the poster says something like"When we first met, we used to have sex all the time, now it's down to once/twice a week"? Those passionate feelings are all well and good at the beginning of a relationship but everyday life takes over after a while and they become much less important.
Your relationship sounds very special, as does your man. Don't throw them away because someone else things they are not. You KNOW they are.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2019): As long as you're not actually REPULSED by the guy, I say you have nothing to worry about and are in fact in a much better place than you may realize.That intense animalistic sexual attraction will naturally tend to fade as a relationship progresses. It doesn't mean you won't be attracted, and it doesn't mean that you won't have great sex, but the feeling you describe as "wanting to rip his clothes off" does tend to fade naturally. You describe craving sex with him BECAUSE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL CONNECTION - this is EXACTLY what you want. Physical attraction comes and goes, people's bodies change, people's appearance change, people age, etc. But personality and emotional bonds can endure until the day we die. If you do feel your sex life is dull, then it's time to spice it up! This is especially fun and easy when you're very comfortable and open with your partner. Discuss your sexual fantasies and consider some role-playing. Buy some sex toys for you both to play with together and on each other. Have sex in a new place (don't do anything illegal though!). It's all too common for couples to fall into a sexual "routine" where there's an almost scripted or predictable sequence of events, which basically turns sex into a habit rather than something to relish in and really enjoy. You can keep the enjoyment alive by changing things up.Above all, I'd say, if you really do have such a strong friendship, emotional connection and bond with this person, don't let them go over sex itself! If you're at least somewhat attracted, sex can be spiced up, but you can't shape another person's personality quite so easily. It's often said that girls tend to go for personality first and physical appearance second, but today's oversexualized society sometimes tries to push women towards physical attraction, similar to most men, and in my opinion it's only making it worse for women who are trying to find a serious life partner. You'll spend only a very small amount of your life having sex, but with the right partner, you'll spend years of your life happy, content and fulfilled with a loving, happy relationship. That's worth it to me.Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (27 October 2019):
 Sexual attraction should not be dismissed but I also don't think it should be number 1 priority. You obviously don't want to be in a relationship with someone that you can only drum up feelings for as a brother or a friend but never underestimate the feelings that come from deep respect, compatibility, and trust. Looks fade but a good heart never grows old. If you can see yourself with this man down the road, the rest of your life don't dismiss those feelings.
What your friends say works for THEM..but you need to consider what YOU feel. What do YOU want? Need? Does this man check off all those boxes???
I have been with my husband for almost 20 years now. I love him like I have never loved anyone else and I can't imagine my life without him BUT...when I first met him, I was also dating another man that I was extremely drawn to. They both had similar backgrounds, ethnicity except my husband while I thought was "cute" did not give me that "GRRI want to pounce on you feelings". The other guy did. The other man was in my mind "HOT" and had a more outgoing personality. I dated them both for awhile (yes they knew about each other). My now husband grew on me..he was kind, very sweet, very giving, I could laugh with him and I trusted him. The other man while at first his looks and personality stood out, I started seeing cracks in what I thought was the perfect man. He was a huge flirt, he KNEW he was good looking, and his sense of humor could be cruel towards me. He had a wandering eye and I found out he was trying desperately to get with another woman behind my back, never telling me about it. Suddenly he wasn't so wonderful and the animal attraction didn't matter. I knew he'd break my heart down the road if I let him.
I ended things with him and continued to date my now husband. I'm so glad I was wise enough to see that he was a keeper. He's been a fabulous man and I love him more every day. He's been my rock and has stood by me through some really hard times. I wake up every day and I am so glad he came into my life. We have a very deep connection that grows every day. I know the other man never would have went through the things with me that my husband had. NEVER. And as a small bonus?? My husband has grown more attractive with time and has that matured older guy looks while the other guy has gotten heavier and is losing his hair...and he can no longer rely on his looks to get him through. HA HA...
Long story short...looks aren't everything darling...don't rely on them...its what in the heart that counts.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2019): It's not so cut and dry. You can't find people that don't change with time, or won't grow older. We gain and drop weight. We can't rely on our looks, because we don't know when they might start to fade. You will never check all the boxes; but if you can check most of them...work with what you've got! He seems wonderful!
Sex-drive/sexual-attraction can change with age, health, and according to how you're getting along as a couple. It's just as emotional as it is physical; so you can start-out like horny rabbits, but it's naturally going to taper-off. Don't let anyone lie to you, it always tapers-off.
You can't judge someone by their immediate sex-appeal; whether you'll feel the same-way next week! Let alone months or years down the road!
It's how you connect, what develops with time, and how you evolve together. You hope for the best, and do your best. You can't get obsessed with how long anything lasts. We're mortals! We're ruled by time, genes, nature, and circumstances.
Your description of what you have sounds like an excellent foundation. You can't be influenced by making comparisons to others, or being overly-critical. Dwelling on imperfections. Seeking-out all possible flaws at one end of the spectrum; while demanding perfection on the other end. That is exactly how people ruin what they have! Never grateful for their blessings! Always wondering what will go wrong, or when it will end. Picking it apart before what you have fully-blossoms, and exposes its most potential.
Take it day by day! Stop worrying how long anything lasts. It could end tomorrow. The world could end in the next hour! You've got what you've got today; let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.
Human-sexuality fades, just like our looks. Sometimes it eventually becomes non-existent for some couples. Age or health are the major factors that can affect how things will change over time.
As someone who has had a relationship that spanned 28 years (partner died of cancer); making love, was consistent due to a well-established chemistry. Based on a very deep and mutual loving-affection; which was developed over time. Tested under adversity and strain. Stretched nearly beyond limit! Nothings was perfect, just loving and consistent. It took work to maintain the consistency. It wasn't guaranteed or built-in.
Now I've started on a new love-journey, reaching six years. Even better than before, if that is possible. Maturity and experience helps.
I will say this, appreciate what you have; and don't worry about what could possibly go wrong, or change. Cross that bridge when you get there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2019):
 Can you have sex that great with a person you aren't very attracted to? I find that questionable. It's not his personality you are have good sex with.... just saying.
So yes, HE isn't someone you look at and what to rip his clothes off. But... intense passion dies down over time.
YOU have a partner with whom you get along, enjoy spending time, HAVE a good and healthy sex life with and you think... I should do better?!
Life isn't porn.
Does your friend HAVE good healthy relationship with super passion themselves or are they talking hypothetically?
I think as a GROWN woman you know whether WHAT you got is something worth keeping around and building on or not, REGARDLESS of what other female friends think or want.
...............................
|
