A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hello! I am 48 years old, separated for 18 months, divorced for 2 months. My older daughters, 31 and 29 are both married and have children of their own. I was married twice. My daughters were from my first marriage, my second marriage lasted 20 years and my daughters were somewhat attached to my second husband. However it was basically a lovelsess, passionless marriage and I was unhappy for many years. Since my separation I have dated several men but have only had my daughters meet 2 men I've dated. Both of my daughters live several hours away and get very upset if during their visits (usually for a week or 2 or 3 weeks) I go out on date. My current boyfriend and I are very close and he spends a good deal of time at my home. I dont think its fair to tell him he cant be around when my daughters visit but they get upset and rude if they and the grandchildren dont get my undivided attention while they are visiting. He is polite and friendly to them but they are cold and rude. We dont leave the house for long periods of time when one of the girls is visiting and we just do normal things like dinner, TV but I have been told I need to get out of my "mid life" crisis and that I am "inappropriate". I am so sick of hearing how bad I am... I gave many years to my children and now that I'm almost 50 I basically dont want to let time pass me by. Am I being as selfish as they make me sound??
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female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (30 May 2010):
 Hello. You say your girls were attached to their stepdad. After 20 years thinking of him as dad, its understandable they have some loyalty to him. Also i dont know how far you went to protect them from the unhappiness you felt during you marriage. But its possible that they were rather shocked when your marriage ended and they had and may still have, devided loyalties. Your break up was only 18 months ago, which is no time really. And since then you have introduced them to a couple of boyfriends. Im not trying to defend their behaviour in the least. But i understand why they might seem a little jealous and cold toward you current bf. They have had to accept a lot of changes over the past year or so. And it sounds as if they havent coped that well. I saw myself facing a similar situation with my children (of similar ages) when i parted from their father. I tried to still be there for them, didnt introduce them to any boyfriends for a year and kept my private life very private from them. Once id met the one for me, i slowly introduced him to them and made it clear i expected them to respect him. I also took each "child" aside and explained i needed a companion and he was it! But it didnt affect how i felt about them. I explained that they would always be the loves of my life but i was lonely and needed someone. And my having someone would never affect how i felt about them. I felt rather daft trying to reassure them as if they were children. But it worked and since being reassured they have been far more relaxed around him. We can get wrapped up in things sometimes and forget that at heart, they are still our kids and need to hear we are ok, we know what we are doing and we still love them dearly. I wouldnt be confrontational with them. Just keep your private life separate from them and reassure them they will always come first. You will find you have to bite your tongue now and then but they will come around and stop feeling jealous and worried about you in time.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (30 May 2010):
 I agree with Cary Grant.
I will only add: don't let your daughters run your life when they visit! Unless they can act civil to your boyfriend they are welcome to stay away!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): You should enjoy yourself! Ask your daughters to respect your relationship and your partner, he's a big part of your life.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 May 2010):
 No, I don't think you're the one being selfish. Your daughters sound self-centred and lacking in compassion.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 May 2010):
 I have an Asian background so whatever my parents do I can disagree but I will keep my thoughts to myself. I am 29 with a 4 year old so I am imagining to be one of your daughters . . .
My evening with you would be like talking about the joys and frustrations of childrearing, getting to know your boyfriend more, and just basically mingling and having fun.
As to how to improve relations or whether to improve relations between your boyfriend and your daughters, that's another question. You have life experience and you should keep your stance as a Mom figure. Whenever they play psychologists and uses terms like mid life crisis, say to them, "thank you. I disagree. It's not that simple." It seems like your daughters are not having problems with not spending 16 hours of a day with you. Their real inner issues are that they are worried when they get to their 40's and 50's their love lives still won't be stable. They need you to be the rigid model mom who stays home, waits for dad to come home, in order for them to believe in their marriages. OR, they don't get enough attention from their husbands and want you to compensate for that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): Tell your kids to shut up and see things from your point of view. You gave them plenty of time years ago, and they owe you. You don't owe them anything. So they should get off your back.
They need to get off your back.
Everyone is entitled to be in a relationship if they have found someone they like. Just ignore all the critics.
But life goes on, and you might have to accept that there will always be people out there who don't like you. We don't live in the perfect world.
Plenty of people out there will be jealous of you for the rest of your life. Maybe your daughters are jealous. I hope they change their attitude sooner rather than later, and that things improve for you. Good luck.
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