A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a great guy for abt 2 months. Things have gotten more intense the past couple of weeks (lots of kissing). Last night, I really wanted the sex to happen ( and it seemed like he did too). Then when I was mostly undressed (underwear only) and in bed, he laid beside me with his jeans still on. He seemed to have lost interest in the sex, although he still kissed me and was very nice to me. He said he thought I wasn't ready and that it was too soon--and that he was just pushing for it to happen too soon and kept apologizing. I feel horrible. I feel like when I got undressed, he must have been turned off by how I looked. Why else would he have changed his mind? I was certainly not doing anything that should have given him the idea that I thought it was too soon. The last relationship I had (last summer), pretty much ended after the sex happened. He (the guy last summer) even told me that he wasn't interested in me any more after the sex.Now I'm thinking--OMG!!! I must be really repulsive! I'm not overweight--I take care of myself, exercise a lot, go tanning, and work hard to look the best I can. Maybe it's just that I'm in my 40s and can't look young anymore. I think this is the lowest I've ever felt. I wish I had the option to not go on any more, but I don't. I have two daughters that I need to take care of. It's just really hard to get up every day and act like everything is okay. I'm really lonely.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Dont be silly. Theres nothing wrong with you. Im 52 and well over the hill but i had a moment of madness last year and dated a very handsome 28 year old man. I had to beat him back with stick!! Honestly its not you, its him. Something is wrong with his little pal or he got a very bad dose of nerves last night! Either way, he should put his big boy pants on, explain to you what went wrong and apologise. He led you on, then changed his mind and tried to baffle you with BS. Not cool. You havent known him very long, he may have problems in that area that he hasnt mentioned yet, he sounds the sort. Talk to him x
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 February 2010):
It could have been nerves, it could have Erectile Dysfunction, it could have out of respect. There are loads of reasons, and the only thing it won't be is that you were repulsive. You're not. Keep getting to know him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): No way, trust me, it is not because he is not attracted to you. You are just freaking yourself out. He obviously couldn't get it up and he was embarrassed. Trust me, nothing to do with you. How do I know, I am 27, really pretty with a very nice body and my boyfriend did the same thing to me. Many times. It has nothing to do with you! Trust me.S
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (14 February 2010):
 Don't take this on as your fault! As marriedlady said it could be a problem of his! (E.D.)
It's not your age, trust me! You take care of yourself! It's not you! I will be 60 in a few months...and men are still attracted to me! And, I don't do half what you do to take care of yourself!
I sincerely believe that this was a problem of his...but if you are concerned, why don't you ask him? Open those lines of communication! It will build a foundation of trust and honesty!
~BG~
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (14 February 2010):
Hmmmm. Weird. Well, first of all a guy disappearing after the sex doesn't mean you were repulsive. A lot of guys do that to a lot of very sexy women. That speaks more to a fear of emotional intimacy.
This guy said sex after dating for 2 months is too soon... but actually I've been out with guys who are ready to go at the end of the first date! In fact most guys are hoping to go there after date #3, 4 or 5. So you dated for 2 months and he didn't push for sex? That sounds to me like HE was the one who wasn't ready. I dated a guy like that once. We had a great time together, the kissing was fantastic, but he would back off it it got too far. Fortunately I've dated enough men to be pretty secure in my attractiveness so I know that wasn't the issue.
I think your issue is less a repulsive body and more you seem to date these guys who have intimacy issues. If you want to check and be sure, do you have a guy friend (or a gay guy friend) who is really honest? Ask him to take a look at you in a bikini and be brutally honest. Then you will know if there is something that's a turnoff that you need to fix.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Put yourself in his shoes. He's been pushing too hard for sex. You offer it.
He's got a choice, he can either take it, and never know if you offered it because you wanted to or if you finally just gave in -- what a fine basis for a relationship success that is. Or he can let the occasion pass, push less and see what happens -- after all, you are likely to offer sex again, and then the reason will be clear -- because you want to. He's thinking about building a solid relationship, rather than about getting his rocks off and damn the consequences.
The last thing he expects is that you'll become all self-conscious. When a man is at this stage, looks don't count anymore. He probably also under-estimated the depth of rejection you would feel: men get rejected all the time and learn to let that not destroy their feelings of self-worth.
Resolve the "pushing too hard" issue -- the simplest way to do that is to take the initiative -- and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): You sound very depressed and I am so sorry to hear of your experiences. The guy last summer sounds like a real half-wit. No man should treat a woman like that. He's probably done that a million times - gets what he wants and then moves on to his next victim. I would say that was more about a conquest and that he did not want a relationship, than about you and the way you look. As for this latest experience... are you assuming he still does not, eventually, want sex with you? Maybe you need to give this one a little more time. Perhaps he has had similar experiences to the one you had (men get used too)and just wants things to be solid between you. It sounds like you really look after yourself from head to toe and yet your emotions are really getting a hold on you. It is important you don't slip further into despair. Perhaps you could talk to your new man about your feelings (he seems sensitive), that you find him really attractive and you are starting to feel very close to him. Maybe the pressure is coming from you... because you desperately (and understandably) want everything to be perfect. That can give off nervous vibes and maybe he felt guilty or worried he could not meet your expectations - it works both ways!! There is often a lot of pressure on first sex with a new person, doesn't matter what age. Maybe you need to spend a little longer at the flirty (touching, feeling, anticipation) stage each time you meet. Take things slow, but no-pressure communication is key.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): honestly it sound like a classic case of ED. It is very common and very embarrassing to the man, who then tries to act like there isnt a problem. And the woman feels undesirable and very unsexy. Trust me i know exactly how you feel. At our age we feel vulnerable and insecure about our bodies anyway. I will say in my case i am positive that he loves me and feels bad about it. It took months and months of me feeling rejected before he admitted he had a problem. And even now, in my head i get it but my heart doesnt always. Be patient, try to keep the pressure to perform down and it will happen. good luck, hon, mal
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I have no idea why he didn't want sex after all. Saying "it's too soon" is just a bad excuse, I mean come on, you were already practically naked in bed. If he thought it was "too soon" he should have stopped long before that! And 2 months is NOT too soon, I don't know many people in relationships that have waited that long (except for the virgins who save it for marriage).
Could it be it's not you though? The option is that he has an erection problem and was too embarrassed that he couldn't get it up to take off his jeans and show you.
I find it hard to believe that a grown man would find a mature and healthy woman like yourself unattractive. He's been very attracted to you for 2 months already, so thats proof enough of it. Yes it could be he is a jerk and didn't like what he saw, but there's also the option that he couldn't get it up, or that he was so excited he came in his pants and wanted to escape the embarrassment of having to be honest with you.
Im in my early twenties, slim and have been told several times I have a great body (guys hit on me all the time and so on) and yet, there was this one guy I dated who couldn't get it up. The first time in bed with him and he couldn't get it up, I though maybe he was just too nervous since it was our first time naked together. But then I tried to have sex again another time and he still couldn't get it up. Same thing happened to another guy I was dating after this one. He was hard like a rock when we were making out, but as soon as we got to the stage where we were to have sex, he went limp on me.
Both guys thought it was embarrassing. Im telling you this because I seriously doubt they didn't like what they saw when they saw me naked. But even so, they weren't able to get it up and have sex. Nerves perhaps? Anxiety? Im saying this could be what happened to your guy, and he thought it was too awkward to tell you.
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A
female
reader, cls1990 +, writes (14 February 2010):
 If this man keeps in touch and still wants the relationship to carry on then he is showing respect for you.
I don't think he can be repulsed by you or he would of stopped kissing you.
Maybe he doesn't want you to think he is only there for the sex? And is trying to prove to you he wants more than just sex?
I doubt very very much he was repulsed by you
but I suppose the only thing you can do is wait & see what happens now. Wait for him to contact you. I'm sure he will :)
Good luck & hope everything works out for you
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