A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I fancy my Husbands best friend - is it just because my marriage is on the rocks?My husband and i have been together for 10 years but only married for 3. Earlier this year we began to have major problems in our relationship and therefore jointly decided to have couselling it helped for a while with me and my husband is doing well with his but there is still no or little affection in our relationship. I have tried to talk to my husband about it and initiate more affection but i get nothing back. We spend a lot of time with one of his best friends but he also is in a serious relationship and evertime we see them i find myself wanting his friend even more. We talk and he hugs me so tightly am i just craving that affection or are my feeling genuine? If so what does that mean for my marriage nothing wil ever happen with his friend as we are both in a relationship but do thoughts of cheating mean I can't save my marriage i do love my husband i just feel terribly neglected and lonely. Please help i don't understand my feelings i even invited his friend round while my husband is at work!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): Get away from Friend. Ur marriage will work more auomtically.
there are misunderstanding and spats in every couple in the world. It is normal coz husband and wife are two diffrenet minds and they can never be same. So there will always be conflicts. But you as cheat is some thing that you need to work out with your conscience.
A
male
reader, The Knight +, writes (13 May 2010):
Fancying your husbands best friend is fantastic, but only if he 1) he is a really great guy, 2), he wasn't your husbands best friend, otherwise its HANDS OFF. Your putting the three of you in a dangerous situation and you will be the one that comes off the worst. Fancy him in your head by all means but keep it there under lock and key. As for your relationship well its obviously not on target, so 1) have it out with him, but with some kindness and firmness, keeping it short and simple, not a chapter of faults. 2) End with a date for allowing for room for things to develop. Counselling can improve the relationship but only if the two of you are willing to go and listen to each others points. If all else fails then ask yourself can I live a life under these circumstance. and whatever your decision make sure are really happy before acting.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 May 2010):
 Remember the old saying 'the grass is greener on the other side'. You just think life would be romantic and fun if you had the other guy. To be honest, if your husband's friend even contemplated cheating with you then he would be an awful person. I assume he has some knowledge of your marital problems and if he exploited you at a time when you were vulnerable then it would not make him terribly nice, or a good mate for your husband. I think you need to focus on improving your marriage - you have been in a relationship for 10 years and it would be sad to throw it away on a fling. Keep going with the counselling and communicate with your husband about how you feel (except the fancying friend bit of course!).
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 Your thoughts of cheating mean simply as you say, that your marriage is on the rocks. Try to stay away from this friend, if you honestly don't wish to cheat. One thing will lead to another and then you'll say it was unintended. I don't know if you can save your marriage but I hope it helps that you are into therapy and hopefully it will lead you to realising just that, what you can do to save a 10 year old relationship, if possible. People often in this situation start noticing how easy it could be to get from elsewhere what they don't receive at home, easier than working on the main relationship and mending one or two things, but how to do that when things have spiraled out of control or so they seem to? That's where the counsellor should help bring a bit more light in, help you communicate more effectively, you should make sure to understand what each of you is thinking and feeling and suposing the desire is there, there must be a solution. A lot of men start neglecting their wives once the relationship grows old, once the kids come into play or for different reasons, and many wives do the same. You say things were improving at some point, talk about it. Maybe you will have to settle for his minimal displays of affection - if he has always been so, that is probably his nature, and should have been a case from the start. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, True  +, writes (13 May 2010):
right... their are ups and downs in a marriage and some lower than others but out of those, the ones that keep trying and wanting their marriage to work are the ones that get back up their (most of the time), so if you hang in there and discuss your problems with eachother CALMLY and if you dont like his problem with you, dont get mad just listen and compare what he says to what you actualy do and if you relize what you have done then try to correct it and have him try to correct his faults aswell.As for your husband's best friend then i'd say that it COULD( not 100%) be from emotional stress and this could cause you to like him but if you end up doing something with his BF then not only will it lead to your regret but also cause your husband to possibly become insecure later on or depressed, causing him to possibly become paranoid and only make your marriage worse.**keep in mind**You should also try putting romance back in like go out on "dates" or just go on a getaway and remind yourselves to not worry about your own faults and just enjoy eachothers company and even if he trys to get into a fight with you then just agree with him and be a bigger person and he'll soon relize then possibly chill out more like you. =]GL
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 May 2010):
You're right that the only reason you fancy him is that your own marriage is in trouble. His friend is more attractive now probably because he seems interested in you and shows you affection that you really want from your husband. Under no circumstances have an affair, because that will make all this worse for you. You need to continue counselling with your husband and explain that you are really missing affection. Clearly, if it doesn't come, there will come a time where you will need to move on for your own sake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): I think it is best you continue trying to solve the problems in your marriage rather than making a further complication.
It is natural to feel attracted to someone else when the going gets tough, especially if that little hug is something you crave. But the friend was probably concerned for you because he cares for you both as a couple.
Keep at it. Lots of men won't try counselling and yours has agreed to it. Maybe it is just a question of time until he can respond better to you. Look for small ways in which things may have improved since the counselling started.
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