A
male
age
30-35,
*aptainh
writes:This has been happening for a long time now, and I always attributed it to a lack of confidence and trying to constantly please other people. I can be a really confident/outgoing person when I want to be, but recently, I have begun to notice things about myself that have really held me back from making strong friendships or even pursuing a relationship and I feel as though acknowledging these is a step forward for me:- I have held onto grudges through things people have done/the way they've treated me/things they've said- I have put high expectations on myself and have been very hard on myself in the process - lead to putting things like work and study before wanting to spend time with friends + being really judgemental of people inside (not being able to acknowledge peoples imperfections and that everyone makes mistakes). - I feel as though I have blocked people out, people who could be really good friends to me as a result of my own insecurities getting in the way. When it comes to making an effort to socialise with individual people and really try and make a connection, I have found it really hard to do that. I have gotten to comfortable within my own shell and it kills me inside!Is this me putting my own future first and waiting to become the person that I want to be (by no means am I the best I can be this early on)? Or I just being really egotistical and selfish to those around me?Any tips/advice etc on the above points and how I can improve on these would be very much appreciated.Thanks guys.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 October 2014):
 "Is this me putting my own future first and waiting to become the person that I want to be? - Or I just being really egotistical and selfish to those around me?"
I think it's a bit of both. And I think for someone your age-group it's not really rare either.
Being focused on WHAT you WANT for yourself and your future is a good thing. But if that is ALL you do, you life is NOT going to be how you envision it. No man is an island entire of itself, as John Donne so wonderfully put it.
Learning to LET GO of anger and frustrations towards others is not easy, but since it's something you are VERY aware of, it will make it easier. By remembering that YOU can not CONTROL what others say, think, feel and do. No should YOU judge them for their choices as severely as you judge yourself. It's just not productive for anything. And certainly not for forming and keeping long lasting friendships.
However, it doesn't mean that you should let people treat you like crap. YOU can still filter out the people you come across who doesn't treat others in a way you would like to be treated and treat them.
It's like ANY relationship (even with family) it's about give and take. MAKE room for friends. LIVE life while you can. That means do things you & your peers enjoy. Not saying that you should start to be a party girl or go crazy, but... LIVE a little. TRust me time for work and serious responsibilities will come SOON enough.
Having ambitions for yourself is good. As long as they are realistic. And as long as you don't lose sight of everything else.
You can live in pursuit of happiness or have happiness in pursuit of living. :) or... find a middle ground.
And holding on to grudges will make you a bitter and lonely person.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 October 2014):
 I believe that you are not happy with who you are at the moment, you have some confidence issues and that leads to you taking out all off your frustrations on people around you.
It is good to put yourself first but also make sure you are aware of people around you and how they feel. Being more open and friendly is a beginning. Just take it a step at a time. Make small changes. Try and see the good in people.
If someone has a quality that you wished that you had, don't envy them try and work on yourself and being happy with who you are.
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