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Am I overreacting to his sex secrecy?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 March 2019) 10 Answers - (Newest, 7 April 2019)
A female United States age 26-29, *xImThatGirlxX writes:

So, crazy title question, I know, but I'm not sure if im overreacting.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I were talking about women "squirting" during sex (insert embarrassed face lol). We were just talking about it casually because we are very open with sex and have an excellent sex life. He claimed that he could make me "squirt" and I said I didnt think so. Because if he could, or if I could, it would have already happened. He kind of agreed and we moved on.

Fastfawrd a couple of weeks and we are getting hot and heavy and he makes me do it! He didn't tell me he was going to do it and we hadn't talked about it again. He just did it without warning.

Later, after sex, I asked how he did it and he wouldnt tell me. He was acting like it was funny saying, "I'm not telling you my techniques." But I started to get upset. It wasn't funny to me. It's my body and I feel like I should know what is being done to it. Him holding back his "technique" makes me feel weird. Why the secrecy?

I dropped it, but I can't stop thinking about it. Am I overreacting or do I have a right to feel upset?


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A male reader, Pepi let pew Australia +, writes (7 April 2019):

Pepi let pew agony auntGuys like to show and do something that no other boyfriend has ever done with you. You are special to him and he wants something only you too share together. Sometimes they will take something after you break up that was only special to the too of you. This means he loves you and wants to hold on to a piece of you long after you are gone. I repeat you are special to him. He loves you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2019):

Here's a little secret

I too have "squirted" (Ewww).

It wasn't that special!

Just him showing off and me feeling like I kinda had to pee. Yup, I pissed on him and all for the sake of "Making Love" (Geeeze).

The cats out the bag and that kind of water sports is way too overated by the show off men of the World.

So. Not so great afterall. You must remember this: A squirt is just a squirt!

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (14 March 2019):

Ivyblue agony auntGoogle it and save yourself having make something out of nothing- PS lucky you

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2019):

Well that’s interesting. Everyone thinks you should just lighten-up and enjoy it.

But the fact of the matter is that you were upset. Something unexpected happened, and you reacted. Perhaps you were thinking the two of you have been very open with each other about sex but now he is keeping secrets. Or thinking he is suggesting that he is doing something to you that you do not understand and so it is not too much of a stretch to feel that he is exerting a certain amount of sexual control over you without your consent. So it’s pretty easy to see why your initial reaction could be annoyance or anger.

On the other hand what was the reality of the situation from your boyfriend’s perspective? Was he trying to manipulate or control you? Or was he expressing his love for you by trying to give you new pleasure that you both could share? And is he just playfully teasing you about keeping his secret?

You need to very carefully examine what the reality of the situation was, decide if your initial reaction was appropriate and then decide what to do next.

The moral of the story is that in the heat of the moment we sometimes fail to see the reality of a given situation and often our initial reaction may not be appropriate to the situation. By taking time to examine situations from everyone’s point of view we are more likely to make responses that are most appropriate.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntDo you know what EXACT move makes you orgasm? EVERY time?

Probably not.

If you DIDN'T enjoy it, set up boundaries of asking him NOT to try again.

If you enjoyed it... DOES it really matter HOW he made it happen?

He might just have gotten lucky trying out SEVERAL "tricks" he has read about, so knowing exactly which ones made you do it...he might not even totally know how, but is playing it off as if he knew exactly what he did.

IT IS OK to have boundaries when it comes to sex. But claiming he HAS to explain how he did it because he did it to your body... it's RIDICULOUS.

Either you TRUST him to RESPECT your body, your boundaries or you don't.

Not really sure why you make it out to be something "bad".

If you want to KNOW what was "done" to your body during sex, pay more attention?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 March 2019):

Sex becomes boring and predictable over time. Let him keep his secret, and just enjoy the fact that you're both winners!

No you don't have a right to feel upset when someone does something good for you!

Why do you need to know the details when you enjoyed the results? If he kept you thinking about it, he deserves a reward! Don't feel upset! Magicians never reveal their secrets!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 March 2019):

N91 agony auntWell did you enjoy it or not? Do you give him permission to touch your body or not? If yes to both questions then what’s the issue? Enjoy the good sex life.

He was totally going at it in a jokey manner as I think most people would. I’m not sure why you’re taking it in the way that you are so yes, I do think you’re overreacting. As you wish mentioned, continuing to dig could bring up things like past partners which is always a terrible conversation in a current relationship.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (13 March 2019):

YouWish agony auntUnfortunately, I think that not only are you overreacting, but you're turning something really amazing into a battleground, which ruins it for the future!

He would have to talk about former exes if he were to answer your question, and that's never ever a good idea. I'm also guessing that he got lucky as well, because the technique doesn't always work.

The best way to figure out what he's doing to you is to do it more. What works for you might not work again, or with someone else. He could also have simply Googled the technique after you both talked about it.

I wouldn't worry about the secrecy! If you want to know how he did it, have him do it more! In truth, you were 50% of that technique anyways because if a woman doesn't want to respond, she won't!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2019):

Well you were present when he made you squirt so you do know what was done to your body. Your man is only protecting his trade secret so that you do not steal the secret and enjoy the fun of the squirt with the next new boyfriend. If the secret is that valuable to you then hang on to the owner of the secret so that you retain possession of the secret benefit. Its a win win situation nothing to get hung about. Relax and enjoy!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2019):

I think your boyfriend is being immature to be honest. An intimate mature relationship is all about communication. Telling each other what you liek and how you like it.

He just wants an ego boost and the knowing he has done something amazing when really it's not something that is hard to do.

He needs to respect your boundaries.

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