A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:I have another question.Could I tell you about my current feelings? On Monday I started my new job and we planned to go to the cinema today. I booked tickets yesterday. At work I get a message from her saying she had received a call from (an ex) saying there is a party and she wants to go tonight and would I mind if we put off the cinema? She got the call yesterday but didn't say anything to me. The party is at a club and she has friends and contacts of hers going back many years - including ex's and some one night stands. I first went to the club about 6 years ago and I have been there alone too before we were together. I know a few people there but not many to talk to. When I got home from work she had left already even though it was still early. I called her and asked if she wanted to meet for something to eat and also to ask about going along with her to the club. Although I would have to return without her as my work is the other side of town I felt it would have been nice to to spend even an hour together. She had half arranged to stay at her friend's house over there - but the girlfriend had not confirmed. The ex who called her is a guy who treats me dismissively and she allows him to be what I consider to be overly tactile and even to slap her rear (in front of me and other people - something she would not allow me to do). This is the same guy she went out with one night a few months ago without saying anything to me and stayed at his flat. He is single and makes no secret of his continued lust for her - and she seems to like his attentions.As far as I know this is the first contact since then. She didn't say where she was going that night and I spent a sleepless night before going off to work feeling dreadful as she turned her phone off.She told me she doesn't want me there tonight.I feel so unwanted. She says that it is her 'scene' not mine and so I'm not invited - even if the club is just a bar and anyone can go.Maybe I am over reacting but I feel down and unwanted and I am having problems getting rid of this feeling. I feel stupid and low. Inside I just want to know that she would like me to be there if I can regardless of me being able to go or not. I don't understand myself in this moment I really don't.At work I am trying to hold it together and trying to talk myself round. My feelings of rejection are quite strong though and my concentration is affected.I am confused because she is still talking about living in the country if I buy a house and still talking about us visiting her parents again - they live a long way away so this is a significant trip if it happens. We even started buying Christmas presents at the weekend for her nephews and neices. It's early I know but she said we might as well buy things if we see them. She says things like - 'stop trying to force things' I ask her what she means and she says that she doesn't want me at the club because I am trying to force the fact that we are a couple. I say to her but we are a couple - we have been together for years and I am proud to be considered her partner. There is nowhere I wouldn't want to take her if she wanted to go. I understand all people need space and I do too. To go out sometimes with friends etc without ones partner is normal. But this feels different and I don't know why.If you have any thoughts I would be grateful to read them. Thank you for your time.
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reader, Guy619 +, writes (23 July 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRedGreen0289
Thank you for your reply. I know I have to step back from this and try to understand what is really going on. Thank you for opening my eyes to that.
Today she is not responding at all. I have contacted to see how she is and to arrange some everyday things. It used to be that she would send a brief text to say 'ok busy' and stuff like that - it used to make arrangements easier and contact good. She has been secretive recently and has let slip that she has friends who are in relationships that sometimes have involvements with other people - and that it is all part of being in a relationship & that nothing is perfect.. I find this idea upsetting if this is starting to happen in my realtionship
Thank you for your time in responding
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (23 July 2009):
sounds like my ex- and if so, she's banging this guy and wants space so she can have her fun. you're wanting to go to the club would limit her good times, and your desire that she fulfills her commitment to you to go to the movies was inconvenant for her,and being self-centered did not happen.
You need to step back and determine if you're even in a relationship with this woman. Odds are good you're not...
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (23 July 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmeline,
Thank you for your reply. I did explain to her that it made me feel a unwanted but she became angry and cold. Whenever we go out together she keeps me at a distance (in fact I am often alone for most of the evening because she doesn't want me to be close to her) especially if it is her friends or ex bfs - but if it is family or my friends she stays close to me.
This ex is a guy who makes no secret of the fact that he still wants her and even announces to a full bar that she is his ex lover in front of me. He is constantly asking her round to his place and she has ended up there for dinner and stayed over. She has a lot of space already. She sees male friends, goes to dinnner with ex's hangs out with ex's in bars and if she needs help with something she will contact a few guys who she knows to ask for advice. Of course they all respond by offering to come round to hers and help - and at the same time she will not contact me even though I am often able to help. Thank you for your reply. It is really appreciated. If I give any more space I don't think we will be together. She generally only wants to spend time with me these days if we are eating out at a restaurant. I have tried saying let's eat in and spend time together sometimes but she doesn't want that. She doesn't work - apart from occaisonaly about an hour a day every 2 or 3 months. I work full time - even if I finish my contract and recently was out of work for a couple of months - I spend my time trying to get back in to full time work - which I have. I pay for just about everything -while she continues to pay off debts she had before we were together - and I feel bad that I'm starting to feel used. I would like to be able to say that she is supportive or loving - but she has banned me from saying that I love her or care for her and she says she doesn't have those feelings. I appreciate your time taken in responding. I would like to speak to him for behaving the way he does but she stands up for the way he is towards her. If I say anything I know I will suffer her anger.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (23 July 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionxCharlottex
Thank you for your reply. I appreciaite the time taken to respond. I am having difficulty with this one. One reason is that we had already had planned to go to the cinema and I had booked the tickets. Also the guy that called her was an ex who is not friendly towards me. The people at the club are from a time when she was sexually free and the associations she has there are of that period. I am not sure it is a case of the 'good old days' but I do take your point that we all need space - which is something I mention in my question too. I appreciate very much your brief appraisal. I do stand by the idea that everyone needs space form time to time and everyone needs to see friends and sometimes without their partner - but if an ex calls, someone she has had an on off flirtation / hang out/ sexual contact with over years - I don't know but it just seems that it could be detrimental to the relationship. If you have time it would be good to hear your thoughts on the rest of my question as well as the last three lines.
We stay together almost every night at either my place or hers - by this I mean to demonstrate only that we are together. It has been an issue from the beginnig that she doesn't want to be seen with me in certain social groups.
I do find this hurtful.
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A
female
reader, Emeline +, writes (23 July 2009):
 I would feel unwanted too. Maybe she doesn't want you to feel left out around her old friends. Still, you should tell her you feel unwanted, she might understand. Also, I agree with Charlotte. A little space won't hurt, but I do think her ex slapping her on the rear is a out of line. If I was you I'd slap him upside the head.
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A
female
reader, xcharlottex +, writes (22 July 2009):
You said you understand all people need their space & that's exactly what you must do, just give her a little more space. These are people she knew years ago, you're not going to know any of them, sounds like she just wants a night out like the good old days. If she was rejecting you she wouldn't be seeing you, don't worry about it and just let things flow naturally.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I have to say that compared to you mate my problems are not even worth complaining about and i thought i had it bad,good luck mate
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (22 July 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think something is 'going on' this question title was added by DaerCupid as I didn't add one. I would prefer the title:
"Am I overreacting? - Is there anthing I could do to help this situation?"
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