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I don't want to cheat but how can I recover from my infatuation?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 April 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm a married woman with 2 children in my mid thirties, I've been in a long term relationship with my husband before we eventually got married (been together over 10 years).

What I'm about to say is something I had never dared to share, please be kind and I hope you can advise me.

I love my husband, I've always loved my husband, he was my best friend for years before he told me he love me and wanted more. I wasn't involved with anyone, I didn't have any romance and I agreed, why not spend my life with my best friend.

We have a successful marriage, we care and respect each other, I can see how my husband loves me deeply through his actions, he has always been there for me.

The problem is, without any intention or pre planning or any thing of this sort, I fell in love with a man who appeared in my life suddenly, I actually fell IN Love, it's so different, intense and irrational.

I haven't gone far, I really didn't want to cheat, there were one incident were I let this man kiss me.

After this kiss, I knew for sure that I have strong feelings for this person but also I've realised that I'm breaking my family apart because of stupid worthless feelings.

I feel so guilty, I've cut all ties with this man, never tried to see him or talk to him since.

I'm now asking you, how can I move on.

How can I be happy in my marriage and feel what I felt for this man with my husband?

I come from a divorced family and I struggled a lot, I'm in no way going to put my self 1st before my family and children.

There is NO chance I can be with this man or any other man than my husband so there is no meaning for those awful (yet strangely desirable) feelings I have for this other man.

What should I do now to break free of this situation ?

View related questions: best friend, divorce, fell in love, married woman, move on

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A male reader, sleepwalker United States +, writes (23 April 2017):

Since you appear to be a heterosexual woman, it may be safe to say that just because you signed a piece of paper and had a wedding, that you (like other heterosexual married women) didn't stop being attracted to men (not all of them of course).

Simply saying, this other man, must have triggered in you practically all of your physical and emotional criteria of the perfect man. Thus, your powerful attraction towards him.

Kudos to you on your cutting off of all contact with this other man for this is possibly the best move you could have made in order to remove yourself from the gravitational pull of this black hole. Keep up the good work.

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A male reader, Aussie Guy Australia +, writes (22 April 2017):

anonymous: You need to relax what you are feeling seems to be normal. There are people who come into your life from time to time that you will feel an attraction to. It is how you deal with this attraction that makes the difference.

You feel an intense attraction for this man because their no relationship with him. If you left your husband for this man the intense attraction for this other man would fade overtime. This is why some people are in then out of relationships they are continually seeking this attraction.

With any marriage you feel an attraction for your husband this dies down after a while. It is like a fire burning fiersley at the start of your relationship then it settles down as your relationship matures, you need to keep the fire burning for your relationship to survive.

You need to stay connected to your husband as you raise your children. This attraction for another man could be because you are not as connected to your husband as you should be. You should get someone to baby sit your kids and go out with your husband alone. You could also pack a picnic and go to the local park with your family. You and your husband can talk as you both watch your kids.

If you and your husband stay connected then this and other attractions will stay where they belong. Do dot kiss or share intimacies with other men as this can be how affairs start.

If you need to, go to a professional counsellor and talk through the issues with them

Good luck for the future.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017):

maybe your not in love with your husband love him, but a notch or two beneath madly in love..but truthfully lots of couples intense sexual feelings dampen a bit as time goes on..thats normal...people who are determined to experience those intense feelings again, usually do, but with somebody else, which is a big problem if your everybody already said, hang in there, continue no contact with the other man, enjoy what you have, and if your tempted again, think about how you would feel if your husband did the things that your fantasizing about..Good luck to you..

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (21 April 2017):

chigirl agony auntSurely, you were at one point in the beginning also infatuated with your now husband. It's just been so long, you don't remember. Do you keep a journal? It could be helpful to read what you wrote about your husband when you first started dating, or how he made you feel when he proposed. Feelings can fade, but if you write them down you are reminded. If you don't write a journal, maybe now is the time to start?

Infatuation isn't heaven sent. Just realize this first and foremost. It's not divine, it's not the voice of God, it's not the universe sending a message. Quite the contrary, and not to ruin all romance movies or love songs, but infatuation is instincts telling you to mate. It's animal drive. It's your body telling you you would make cute babies with this man. Which explains how a person can be infatuated with someone they don't know, like a movie star etc. Because infatuation isn't about how well you match, or how great you would be as a couple, or about being soul mates or any of that stuff. Infatuation is plain and simple your body telling you to make babies with this person.

And, as you are a human, you have instincts. They don't make you a bad person, or say anything about your morals. It's just a matter of fact. Humans are animals too, with instincts and drives and we can't really control all of that stuff. Sometimes, we fall in love. Without choosing it. It just happens. No harm done.

And, just as it came, it will pass.

Now, on to how you CAN control it, with varying success depending on how well you know yourself and how skilled you are at manipulating yourself. You can make yourself fall in love with your husband again. You can make that choice. Just like you chose to not see that other man again = your feelings for him will fade. You can also choose to increase your love/infatuation towards your husband.

First, do write a journal like I mentioned. Write down the cute and adorable things he does. Write down all that you remember that he did for you in the past. Write down how that made you feel. Write down all of it. The result: you will start to remember it, and your mind will subconsciously start to try and remember it. This will result in you feeling happy about what he did, and maybe even re-live those memories. It will also result in you suddenly remembering lovely things that you thought you had forgotten about. Write down the things if you suddenly remember them, and add them to your journal.

Once you've gotten all that stuff down, do keep up your journal. You can and should be honest in it from here on out, write down your feelings for that other man too, if you wish. Write down arguments you have with your husband, keep a sincere journal. But when you write down negative things, be careful with your words. Don't be cruel in what you write. Because I want you to read all of this again at a later time, just as you read the cute and nice things. I don't want you to manipulate yourself so badly you don't accept the man as a whole, you know. You need to embrace him good with bad. Hence the truthful journal.

Next: keep a nice picture or five of him with you. Look at his picture every now and then, when you can't look at him in person. Look at him while at work. While on the bus. Find his beautiful features. When you look at him in person, find a nice thing about him, and compliment him sincerely. This will result in you awakening your appreciation for him (as well as manipulating your mind to fall in love with him, the more you look at his face).

Take time apart. Make sure you get enough time to miss each other. Do things separately. If he is your best friend, then surely you have fun together, right? Would that activity had been fun with him besides you? Yes? Then hold on to that feeling. No? Find out why, and note this down as something you should work on to improve your relationship. And by you, I mean you alone, not you as a couple. These are things you need to work at alone, because they are about your thought pattern.

Find out what impresses you about him. What impressed you about that guy you had feelings for? Find those traits in your husband. You can find them, just look hard enough. They are there. Write them down to remember.

There's just so many little things like this that you can do to increase infatuation. Such as holding eye contact with him. Learning how to kiss him again. People change through the years, his style will no doubt have changed also. Discover him as if you just met him. See his body with new eyes. See his actions as if you just met him.

Another thing you can do, that you must use with caution if you're the jealous type, is to make yourself jealous. But just to the extent that you appreciative what you have. This is purely a thought-game, not something to try to stage in real life. Imagine him treating another lady the way he treats you. Would you envy that lady? Would you wish you were her? Would you be happy if he was with you instead? This is a mind-game that can work to increase your desire for him. Women are instinctual this way, we tend to want what other women have. Basically, if you imagine another woman having him, chances are you will want him more for yourself.

Lastly, I will just say: do not be too hard on yourself. We don't go blind when we are married. Crushes and infatuations are normal, and a part of life. It happens. But don't allow kisses or any other nonsense.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThe only advice I can give you is to give it time. You have removed this other man from your life. Now you need to accept that decision and work on your marriage. It will get easier in time. But at the moment you have built up a picture in your head off the other man and you have not experienced every day life with this other man. Try and work on the marriage. Do more activities as a family. Spend time alone with your husband. Go on a romantic weekend away. Think off how lucky you are to have your husband and children and all the positives.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

Wise owl says it all with much depth ..and totally understanding . All I can add is when something new it looks exciting , tempting , it's like green grass but once you get to the other side you find out it is just that "Grass" .

Love, responsibility of life the in and outs .. we sometimes forget that spark that made us together . Find time for each other rekindle that and this mad moment that everyone may sometimes find themselves shall pass .

Take care chin up xx

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (21 April 2017):

My dear, you never know when someone may come along and awaken something sleeping inside of us. We can be very content with our mates, living a happy and prosperous life; but temptation has a way of making its way into our glorious situation.

Temptations doesn't carry a blinking neon sign or make an announcement it is coming; so you have to be prepared for it at all times. You must always be grateful for what you have. When you say you love someone, that doesn't mean you can't love or be attracted to anybody else; but the depth and truth of that love is proven by how faithful you are willing to be. How much you value their trust, and need their love.

You are not in-love with that other man. In spite of your proclamations, maybe it is debatable if you love your husband; but brief encounters with people will often stir-up feelings that can be misinterpreted as something as profound as love. It is usually a lust or desire for an adventure with someone different. A lull that happens in the present relationship sometimes yearns for that old spark. Something to re-trigger dormant passions. Sometimes someone does that for you. Take it like a vitamin pill, but direct those passions where they truly belong. Your Mister!

It happens to everyone, and anyone who says is doesn't is flat-out lying. We all get tempted. We just don't act on our sexual-impulses just because the opportunity presents itself. We value what we have so much, that we forgo those opportunities that may tempt us to betray the trust of our mates. You slipped with a kiss, but you still practiced restraint. Why? Because you consciously weighed the value of what you have, with losing what you have for an irresponsible indiscretion.

No relationship goes without challenges, temptation, and obstacles. In the first five years into my longest relationship; I caught my partner in bed with someone else. He couldn't lie! They were in bed, naked, and going at it before they were aware I was in the room.

Would you believe he still said "it's not what you think!?! WTF?!!!

I tell you, there was no doubt in my mind my partner loved me. We were in our early 20's and met when we were only 17. We never parted, although we had college and even girlfriends before finally becoming a couple. Never has anyone ever made me feel as loved and appreciated as this guy. With time and difficulty; I forgave him and our relationship lasted another 23 years thereafter. I will never forgive anyone else for doing what he did. I'm much older and wiser now. That relationship was one that comes once in a lifetime. Now I have a new one, they are all different. I never compare. This guy is dynamite!

I have been tempted by gorgeous sexy gay-men throwing themselves at me during the first relationship. Seduced by my partner's handsome colleagues, and tested by random guys over all those years. I almost gave-in on one occasion. Just like you, I ended it before I went too far. I even tried to rationalize and justify it by trying to tell myself I owed my cheating-partner at least one! Yes, like you; it started with a kiss. I stopped myself! Everything that I treasured and loved rushed through my mind, I remembered how furious I was the day I caught my lover in-bed with someone else; and then that gut-wrenching heart-sunken feeling I felt for months after. That anger, pain, and suffering that tortured me. I couldn't do it to him, and I didn't want to carry the guilt and hypocrisy on my shoulders. That other guy had a hold on me, I couldn't understand; but I resisted with all my might. He is now just a friend, and asked me why I never gave him a chance after my partner died. I explained that it was too convenient. My partner's memory means too much, and I found someone else who reached deeper into my heart since.

If you truly love someone, the temptations still come. The feelings may still get aroused because you're still human. Yet you develop a limited immunity to temptation; but it is subject to failure. You can still make a mistake.

Your human-desires do not die because you love and commit to one person. The purpose of your wedding vows and mutual-agreement to exclusiveness is your testimony to the depth of your love. You are supposed to be tested in order to be reminded of the value of what you have; and how true you are to your word. You swore before God and witnesses to honor your marriage; because you felt strongly enough to devote your life and your body to one man. You're a good woman. True to yourself, as well as to your man.

The feelings you have will subside. It takes time; but you speed-up the process by focusing the love on your family and being thankful for what blessings you have. You put your family first, and you beat that temptation. More will come; but you have it in you to deal with them. I will use your post as my own reminder for my own relationship.

I'm in the forth year of my latest relationship. A very handsome and successful man who means very much to me. Do you think I don't get looks, winks, and flirtations that don't get to me? Sure, I'm human! I look into the eyes of that man who has given me his heart and trusts me; and that's my vaccination against all those pretty hot boys who would love to put a wedge between us. I'd lose him, a love that matches (if not surpasses) the previous one I lost to cancer; and a commitment that has gone strong for four happy years, in spite of the normal ups and downs. He is so trusting! Before me, his heart was broken too many times!

Just give yourself time. If you've lost the will to love your husband and you have to fake your feelings to go on; then it would be better to be honest and end the marriage.

You love your husband and family deeply. Know why? Because you said this:

"I've realized that I'm breaking my family apart because of stupid worthless feelings."


"I'm in no way going to put my self 1st before my family and children."

Honey, that's not how a cheater thinks! You value what you have too much to give it up. That lustful thinking will ease and fade-away. You'll see!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

If you are happy in your marriage then carry on as before ...but remember to "date" your husband from time to time and give him a snog every day

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom + , writes (21 April 2017):

Phil052 agony auntReading between the lines, I think that you love your husband, but you are not in love with him. He doesn't drive you wild with desire or make you giddy with excitement every time you see him. However, you have a marriage that is so strong in many ways and you could lose all that if you pursue the other man. The question you should be asking is, do I want to stay with my husband for the rest of my life? If the answer is yes, cut all ties with the other man. If the answer is no, that decision (and the fallout) should be made before you get involved with someone else. This is a massive decision you have to make and only you can make it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

You created a fantasy of the other man and as a consequence your head swam to dizzy heights.

All I can say is that you should respect the strength of your imagination and get writing that cheap romantic novel!

In it the heroine can kiss and be kissed,get trampled on by wild ponies in romantic settings and still stand untainted and breathless wanting more!

In real life you have extricated yourself from a car- crash of heady emotions and the bitter disappointment that would inevitably come crashing down on you!

How would you feel if hubby had been kissing another lover and just tweeking her nipples but not actually doing anything else?

Would you feel overwhelming forgiveness and pity for the other woman involved?

No, I expect your hackles would rise and you would become a wilderbeest of revenge and attribution!

So be glad you put the brakes on in real life and thank the good Lord for your steady family life and the love and support of your family.

Just get those restless fingers typing and create a hero and an anti hero and fire away mysteriously on your keyboard.

If its eye wateringly good hubby may enjoy reading it along with the rest of the world so keep it pure fantasy!

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