A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together going on seven months now I love him and he is the best thing that has happen to me in a long time. He is as good as they come I couldnt ask for a better man. We were expecting our first child together but I miscarried. Here is the issue though before we got together he told me he thinks he may have gotten someone pregnant. And now the baby is 2 weeks old he is getting ready to take a DNA test to see if the baby is his. I love him unconditionally and I know it was before me but I dont think my heart can take. Am I over reacting or will I start to develop a hate for him or the baby cause I dont want either. Help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 I can only tell you how the relationship was for me in a similar situation. I dated a guy that had a young child, maybe 3. At first I thought I'd be fine with it. But over time I got more upset over it all. The ex (baby's mom) was always around. Calling asking for help, money, whatever. I HATED it. Not only was the ex going to always be in the picture, the child who I had nothing to do with would always come before me. It's sounds so selfish but as a young girl in her 20's that's how it feels. We couldn't go out to dinner because his baby needed something, this happened often. I did grow to resent this child who I never even knew. Also knowing if we were to have a child together that it's not both of our first child. He already had one. And I would've been a stepmom had we married... It was all too much. And are somethings you should think about before dating a man with a baby.
Definitely wait until the results of the paternity test. You may be worried over nothing. And if it comes back that he is the father then you need to decide if you want to take on the baggage. Some women can with no problem and no hatred towards the baby. It's up to you and how you are. A lot of drama comes with a baby and an ex in the picture so be prepared. You may find you can handle it well. May as well try right?
And I am sorry for your miscarriage.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2012):
 I don't get what you are asking.
He may have fathered a child before he met you
he's being a man and stepping up to the plate with a DNA test
you are only with him seven months and have already gotten pregnant... (and I am sorry for your loss)
you say you love him unconditionally and you know that the relationship was before you...
what are you so upset about?
is it because you lost a pregnancy? how far along were you?
and why in the world did you get pregnant, did the condom break?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): If he is the baby daddy, then accept the reality that babies are package deal including baby mama, meaning she's in the picture for the duration because every kid has right to have both mother and father as equal co-parents, and if boyfriend is man you say he is then I would expect he will step up and be active involved dad no matter circumstances of conception or nature/duration of relationship with baby mama who presumably reamins stranger to you. "I dont think my heart can take. Am I over reacting or will I start to develop a hate for him or the baby cause I dont want either. Help"You are in very emotionally volatile situation, you are dealing with three sudden events that are major traumas in and of themselves:a) your recent loss of pregnancy b) boyfriend's poisin-pill paternity c) sudden appearance of mystery woman from bf's recent past Wouldn't necessarily say you might develop "hate" for bf and/or baby, but certainly overlapping traumas will result in complex, conflicted feelings. I strongly suggest you seek a counselling to deal with and sort out and work through what must be very difficult time. I would suggest you remove yourself from baby's presence at all times, given that absent marriage you have no legal relationship to child, assume mother is stranger to you and vice versa (I would not allow my child to be in care of or sleep under same roof as any unrelated adult under any circumstances), and possible resentment/anger toward boyfriend regarding balancing birth of his baby by her with loss of his baby with you. Condolences on your loss, hope in the long run you will be able to get through difficult time and outcome for all concerned is best allowable.
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