A
male
age
51-59,
*igiman
writes:Hey everyone, I could REALLY use your independent opinions on a big issue I'm having with my GF!Help!Now, either I am nuts and the problem's all mine, or she's not treating me right! Please help me figure this out!We've been going out for a month...she's 47 and I'm 40...my problem is this: She likes to chat online with guys late into the night, and I HATE it!!!!I am having a HUGE trust issue over this! The thing is, to ME, this is borderline CHEATING!!...She says she just want to "make friends with people all over the world"...but my question is: WHY DO THEY ALL HAPPEN TO BE MEN!!!! I can't get passed this! WTF is my GF doing chatting it up and flirting online with other guys???!!! What's up with "I hope to hear from you soon!" and "I'll look for you online!" etc., etc. I feel like, as soon as I go offline, she'll be chatting it up with "Joe God-knows-who", laughing, enjoying herself without me...Am I insane? Or this just NOT cool? Should I put up with this?Whenever I tell her that it makes me uncomfortable, she ALWAYS throws "If you love me then you'll trust me!" in my face....What's there to trust??! She's chatting with other guys!!!! What? I'm supposed to be okay with this?!!!God, please set me straight!
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male
reader, Digiman +, writes (23 January 2010):
Digiman is verified as being by the original poster of the question Update:I talked to her about this again last night. I told her exactly how much I hated the fact she is chatting with other guys when we aren't together...her response? "It's not all guys!" (Okay...90% then!) I told her I _MAY_ be able to accept this, but that she has to understand the grief it's putting me through!...her initial response was: "Thank you for loving me."But then she proceeded to act all submissive to me, flattering, fawning on me, etc., etc....which makes me suspicious (god, maybe I'm too suspicious?! Too untrusting?!). It seems to me like she'll give every excuse in the book to "excuse" her chatting with other men. Never a real acknowledgement that she's hurting me!Well, needless to say, today I give her the ultimatum: "My way, or the Highway, babe!"...I'll post her response later tonight so we can bring some closure to this little drama..!As always, thank you for your helpful, and honest responses!!!
A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 They way I look at this, you really don't have a lot of time vested in this relationship. One month is about the time when you start finding all the nuances in a relationship. Count your stars you didn't find out aboout her chatting after you slipped a ring on her finger.
I say if you don't like her chatting, move on. At 47, your not going to be able to change her behavior, esp. if she doesn't think there is a problem. She is who she is.
If this was a 3 year relationship and she just started this chatting, my advice would be different.
Just let her know that this isn't what you had in mind, and break it off.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Sarah2485  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 well i think that her doing this so early on in yiur relationship is very odd... i would say a lot of people do this when they are getting bored of the realtionship they are in and looking for something else...
if she said if you ask her again you will show u dont love her and she will leave then i think i would be leaving her first whilst your still in these early stages of this relationship and things dont get messy! good luck! x
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A
male
reader, Digiman +, writes (21 January 2010):
Digiman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've gotta say, all of your responses have reassured me that I'm not being unreasonable. Other than this issue, things have been wonderful with her! But...god, it's just not worth the aggravation!...
She doesn't want me...She wants to have her cake and eat it too...
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A
male
reader, Digiman +, writes (21 January 2010):
Digiman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks sarcy24.
"She probably sees it as harmless fun but if it is upsetting and hurting you then she needs to look at it again and re-evaluate if she wants a real relationship or a pretend online one." --- She seems completely oblivious to how this makes me feel.
She says she loves me...well, my response to her is "If you love me, then you'll stop doing this, it's hurting me!"
I mean, jeeze, she could: get a hobby, read a book, watch TV, GET SOME SLEEP(!!!) There's a million OTHER things she could be doing with her time!!!...Why this?!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): Your girlfriend is insecure and needs to continiously reconfirm hersilf that she is "wamted" thats why the flirting.
You are right this is cheating and as soon as she finds a better "guy" she will leave. she won't leave until she has some one else, as she is to insecure to go out on her own. She is seeking constant verification of her worth online. unless you are really ignoring her, she is just looking for the next guy. How did she find you? is she doing the same things as she did to find you? hey go online as some one else chat to her and try to lure her away, if she takes the bait she is unfathful. but really she is already unfathful by seekig other men to "meet". I am 54, have been married several times and dated a lot. move on! get some books on dating and youll see what I mean, google David De'angelo as he has some good advice online for free.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 January 2010):
To be honest, I think you're being played too. Maybe it's time to move on. Don't be second best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): This is not a good sign of what's to come in this relationship! You are fresh into this and she should be on her best behavior, if this is her best...what is her worst?
Going forward in the relationship is going to bring you nothing but pain, get out before it's too late, and don't give her a second chance...she will only hide it better from you. She has developed a habit here and it is not going to go away easily...do you really want to spend your life fighting over something like this??? That's what your future holds....I also wonder what other things she does online that you are not aware of yet.
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A
male
reader, Digiman +, writes (21 January 2010):
Digiman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Hunter99.
"that is just another way for one side of the party to get what they want through guilt."...is EXACTLY how I feel...
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A
male
reader, Digiman +, writes (21 January 2010):
Digiman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CaringGuy.
The thing is: she says that if I DO question her about it again, then it proves that I don't love her and she'll leave...I can't win! I really feel like I'm being played...
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (21 January 2010):
 No you are not wrong and this kind of behaviour is not what is expected when you are going out with someone. She obviously looks at it like a bit of a laugh and having fun but she is aware that it is upsetting you so I think she should stop. All this chatting, e-mailing, facebooking etc is all well and good for keeping contact but some people do use it excessively and it can ruin relationships. My friend's husband goes on it all the time making friends with women all around the world and my friend hates it. She also sees it as a form of online cheating. I don't think you are nuts in any way - I wouldn't like it. Would she like it if you were doing this late into the night with online women friends - I think not! She might laugh to begin with but the joke would soon fade.
I know you haven't been going out for very long and this may be something that she has done every night for years but I do think she ought to take your feelings into consideration. I know you cannot ask anyone to stop what they are doing, they need to want to do it but hopefully she will see as the relationship progresses that this area of her life has to be toned down a bit. She probably sees it as harmless fun but if it is upsetting and hurting you then she needs to look at it again and re-evaluate if she wants a real relationship or a pretend online one.
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A
male
reader, hunter99 +, writes (21 January 2010):
Ah yes the famous quote "If you love me then you'll trust me." Well to me that is just another way for one side of the party to get what they want through guilt. What should be said is "if we love each other then we should be able to compromise to a solution." True growth in a realtionship comes from communication and taking responsability for each others actions. Its sounds to me that you are trying to communicate with her and she is not taking responsability to compromise. If you trust her, love her, and want to be with her. You both need to sit down and come to a solution or im afraid your jealusy will only grow and this realtionship will not last.
Good Luck and Be Strong!!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 January 2010):
This is a bit suspicious. Talking to men is one thing, but talking to them late into the night and then saying 'If you love me you'll trust me' isn't the best excuse I've ever heard. She should be reassuring you, not trying to emotionally blackmail you. Talk to her again about it. If she refuses to at least listen, then reconsider the relationship.
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