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female
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*en43
writes: There are some wonderful, smart people on this site, and I sure hope you can help me. My hubby and I have no children, but I have two brothers-one has two boys,19 and 13 y.o.; the other has one girl, 12 y.o., and is divorced from her mother. Since I live four states away, I've never been particulary close to my nephews and niece, although I do send all of them money for their birthdays and gifts for Christmas. Regarding my niece, her family is somewhat economically deprived-I think they're doing better than "just scrapping by," but there's definitely not a lot of exta money. Last year, she asked if she could start staying with us for a week over the summer. We agreed and enjoy it alot, so it'll be an annual thing. So here's question number 1: Would it be cruel to spoil her while she's here since her family isn't doing that well financially? She sees what we have and it's obvious we're successful. Question number 2 is, she knows that excelling in school is important in our family (probably like it is to every family!) and calls me every time her report card comes out to tell me she made all As, which is awesome. However, I get the distinct feeling that she calls me with this news expecting me to reward her with money, which I have done sporadically in the past. Nothing big, just $20 or $50. What troubles me is that's the only time she calls me--I don't want her to have an "expectation" or feel she's "entitled" to a gift just because I can afford it. Part of the reason I feel this way is my nephews also do very well in school and have never called to solicit a gift.(Is my attitude wrong? Does it need adjusting?) That said, staying close to my niece is important to me because even though her mother isn't horrible by any stretch, it's obvious she's busy with her own life and doesn't take the time to give my niece the attention and nurturing she needs and deserves. It's amazing she does as well as she does in school. My nephews have the benefit of a loving, normal, middle class family and don't really want for anything. It's very important to me to treat them all equally. I don't want to "penalize" my nephews just because their parents can provide better for them than my brother and his ex-wife can provide for my niece. So, I'm not sure how to handle this. What would you do?? Thanks.
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female
reader, Jen43 +, writes (7 June 2006):
Jen43 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneeeeck! The last part of your very helpful response made me quiver! I NEVER want that scene to play out between my nephews and neices; it would be too horrifying to imagine. All of your replies basically parallel one another (stop with the money), which convinces me I'm doing the right thing. So, I'm officially closing the "bank," but will step up communications with my niece and nephews to let them know I really do love them and am proud of their accomplishments. I truly appreciate each of you for taking the time to help guide a stranger in the right direction.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 June 2006):
 Yes, I think your niece has worked out that doing well academically can translate into cash from you. Because there's not a lot of fat in her family's budget, she's probably more sensitive to that than your nephews are.
I think you have a couple of choices, but it comes down to treating your nephews and niece equally.
* You can stop the cash gifts to everybody. (Harsh and no fun, but fair.)
* You can give gifts to everybody, for everything. (Kind of a waste of money, and no longer special to the Achievers, but equal.)
* You can offer gifts randomly, and make your "rewards" less pecuniary, like a nice card.
I rather like the last choice, and (my situation is very similar to yours) this is what I choose to do with my sister's girls.
Try to rein in the cash gifts and substitute something unique and special, like a book, or a movie voucher or some educational software, something that shows thought and care and doesn't scream "buy more shoes!" Give your gifts because you want to, and not as a reward. And do the same for your nephews. (By the way, it's possible, I think, that your nephews haven't called to tell you their news because they don't think you're interested. Ring them and ask about their lives.)
Please talk to your brother about the "spoiling" of your niece when she visits you, and what limits there should be. He'll probably have an opinion, and it's his that you should listen to. Personally, I think you'd be setting your niece up for dissatisfaction with her own life if you give her too much when she stays over. I can even imagine the adolescent shrieks in years to come: "You never loved me! Auntie Jen loves me better than you! She gives me *everything*!"
;-)
What's the old saw? "All things in moderation".
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female
reader, Jen43 +, writes (6 June 2006):
Jen43 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Irish49 and eyeswideopen: Thank you both so much for your sound advice. I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a stingy Grinch. Thanks again. :)
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 June 2006):
 I guess I would probably either stop any "reward" money unless I doled it out to the nephews as well. If they ever get together and compare notes there may be some hurt feelings otherwise. As a mother of three, grandmother to five, and aunt to eight, I speak from experience. Now when she comes for her visits I don't think it would be bad to do alittle shopping, but nothing extravagant. That's my input anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2006): No, you are not wrong to feel in appropriate about giving her material things. Stop doling out the cash and gifts, Aunty. As wonderful an Aunt you are and as much as you love your niece, she has figured out that you will reward her with material things, if hse does well or lets you know she needs it. Kids are bright...and you are being ever so carefully and lovingly...manipulated. Teach her the value of doing well, based purely on a sense of self-respect and accomplishment. Praise her--send her a nice card...reward good deeds with kind words and displays of love. Just stop giving her money.
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