A
male
age
41-50,
*nu
writes:My fiancee cheated on me with a co-worker in September '07. The night it happened her, the person with whom she cheated with and some of their mutual friends from work went out drinking. To make a long story short, after that night she started displaying all the "usual" indications that something was going on. I knew, and confronted her, countless times but she always lied or didn't tell the whole truth or story. She'd make excuses to go some where right after work, lie about who she was talking to/texting on her cell, I can't list all the issues. She still denies sex, and admitted around a month after the night they went out that they only kissed and danced dirty. Since then I've read all the email they wrote to each other at work, seen the call logs from phone bills, and heard from my own friends some of the things that have happened while they were out together. She still either denies certain things, or says she doesn't remember this or that.We're to be married in March of this year, and I find that it's not the physical part that gets me - I know what she's wrote to him, IM'd him, textd' him and what not. I know they went out to party a lot. I know all the negative things she said about me personally in emails to him. We've been together for almost 3 years, and this New Years Eve was the first time she wanted to go to a bar with me! She still can't write me an email or IM, or send me a text like she did with him. She told him things I didn't know until I read them in the emails she wrote. Even New Years Eve while we were out, I noticed many times that she gave "the look" to more then a handful of men at the bars we went to. I still feel a 'level below' the person she cheated with and she still doesn't try to help me by doing the things she knows I need from her. Am I expecting to much? Should the looks and her inability to tell me the personal things she told the other man still bother me? She tells me she comes home to me but I still feel that void I felt when she came home the night she cheated and said everything was fine.
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male
reader, koler  +, writes (9 January 2008):
To be frank, this girl is not for you. She has both physically and emotionally cheated on you, and will continue to do so. If she is already wandering off with other men before you are married, imagine what she will do after. Save yourself the agony and meet someone who can give you the attention you need from a marriage. A marriage is about love and trust. You will never trust her again, and will always be questioning her true feelings towards you. You have a chance to get out, get out while you still can.
A
female
reader, KayKayKay  +, writes (3 January 2008):
Get help NOW. Your marriage is worth saving. You and she need to get to a counseler. If you think you hurt now, wait until later. Something has to change. YOu are a person of value and it is NOT ok for her to hurt you. If she is not willing to stop hurting you, then, you will have to make a decission about your future. BUT chances are she doesn't even realize how badly you are hurting. IT'S TIME TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. DON"T WAIT. SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!
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A
male
reader, gnu +, writes (2 January 2008):
gnu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for replying stem1981! She said she's stopped talking to him since the middle of October. Although I know she doesn't call/text him from her cell or IM etc. with him on the computer at home, I still wonder if she doesn't email/IM from work though. Prior to the night she cheated physically, at least according to her phone records she wasn't calling him or anything but they were emailing each other before that night.
As for why she came back to me, but continued to "be" with him , she says she realized what she had with me. She knows I know most everything, and even while she was with him/talking to him all the time I refused to let it come between us. She'd tell me she was going out with her female friends, but not tell me she was also meeting him. She also went out to supper/movie with me a few times, and after we got home (10-11pm) she'd say she was going to meet insert female friends name here and after she'd leave text me to tell me her friend wasn't out so she was going to meet him.
I have a 6yo (almost 7) daughter who's mother hasn't talked to her in a year yesterday. My fiancee and daughter have become close and I know she loves my daughter. I'm hoping my fiancee isn't making the same mistake I did with my ex-wife by staying with her just for the 2 kids she had when I met her.
She tells me I should be happy that instead of writing/saying the things she's said to me (sexually etc.) she does them with me. I am, but I can't help but wonder why she can't write/say those things to me. I also wonder why she would cyber with him (pretty explicit - I've read it all from September 7 to October 13), say she wanted to do sexual things with him, but tell me she had no physical attraction to him?
Thank you again for your reply :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Im sorry to here this. This does not sound like the behaviour that you would expect from someone that you are about to marry. I would have thought that she would have been so into you that she wouldnt even be giving this much attention to soemone else. I think you should put the wedding off and see if you both can build on the trust again. Why did she all of a sudden want to spend time with you? Maybe they are no longer together and she is using you until she can find something else. Open your eyes wider and ask yourself what you really feel is gioing on and confront her about your feeling and ask her what she wants out of the relationship.
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