A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm breaking up with my boyfriend today, and I just need some support that I'm doing the right thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. In January we moved in together. He and my other roommate really didn't like eachother and they got into a fight last weekend that lead to my boyfriend moving out. I've been thinking about it for a while, and since he moved out I've decided to break up with him.Here are my reasons:1. He drinks, and although I've drank with him a couple times I've decided that I don't really care for it, and since I've gone back to my church recently, and it's against the standards of my church, and I've personally expierenced it and did't like it I don't want to be around it anymore.2. He smokes, and I don't want to be around that for the same reasons.3. He's addicted to pornography. I've talked to him about it before when I found it saved on his computer and although he deleted it and told me that he wouldn't look at it again, I recently found that he's been using the internet on his phone to look at/watch pornography.4. He's going ring shoping next week to propose to me, and I can't live the way I have been anymore. I don't want him to propose because I love him and I'd say yes, but I would never be happy because of the other things he's doing.I just need some support here, to tell me I'm doing the right thing. Please help me. Thank you so much.
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addicted to porn, moved in, moved out, porn, roommate, smokes, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): The truth is, you can't expect people to change. If he does "change" for you, it could blow up later. He could very well "give up" on these things to stay with you. And for a long time it could seem like everything is fine. But then, over time, he will begin to resent things. "Well, I gave this up for you, and I stopped doing that for you."
That's not healthy for either of you.
He has to want to change on his own, for his own self, not for anyone else.
Either way I hope it all works out for you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wrote him a 4 page letter explaining all my reasons for wanting to break up with him, and that I really care about him and want him to get the most out of his life. I also told him I was there to support him if he decides to change these things in his life. I just hope everything works out for him. I love him so much, I don't want him to unintentionally miss out on things in this life because he is too busy doing other less important things that could end his life. Thank you all so much for your support. I am so thankful for all your well wishes, and I hope that all of our lives work out for the best. Thank you again for your support and comments.
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A
female
reader, Angelx312  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Being in a relationship is give and take. If you really do love him talk to him about your issues, see if you can come to some sort of agreement.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Three out of four... sounds like you're making a pretty informed and sensible decision.... Go for it....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 My dad always told me, it will never get any better if you are already having problems. Second you cant and WONT change him or anyone for that matter. Love/marriage etc. is about loving someone’s faults and good features. Can you see yourself with him years to come when lets say you have kids whom you are raising around church but dad drinks and smokes. Are you going to look at him and think, “god I married the right guy for me” Nope. I’d say you rather learned more about yourself with this relationship to him, take what you learned and move on and always trust your instincts (that is something you will find that wont steer you wrong). Also, being asked to marry someone (for us girls) is something we spend our entire life dreaming about, and you are already cringing at the thought of it. Yes, letting him go and ending the relationship is definitely the right decision. Good luck to you girl! I hope you find what you’re looking for! No one deserves to settle!
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (7 October 2011):
Maybe you should give him a choice to stop doing those things or loose me... Did u tell him anyhting like that? Kinda seems like he loves you if hes going ring shopping... and if that bothered u so much why did you stay around for two years?smoking, drinking, porn can alll be stopped...
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female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 What if you spoke to him about the drinking,smoking and pornography? Tell him about how it affects you and also your church values. See what his response is. Listen to how he handles this. Perhaps he could begin moves to stop the drinking and to smoke away from you for the moment. Perhaps he could tone down the pornography with a view to being honest about it and then begin to stop it. It doesn't sound unreasonable for you to want him to stop the pornography. I'd hate it! So I'm saying give him a chance to seriously and maturely deal with your issues. If he sees nothing wrong or acts stupidly, then break up. If he is genuinely serious with you and shares reasons why he drinks etc then i think it is worth working on and understanding.
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A
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reader, macdubh712 +, writes (7 October 2011):
I can tell by the way you wrote out your post and explained your reasons for the beak up in an orderly fashion that you have your "stuff" together. Based on that and for the reasons you cited in your post for breaking up with him, I think you are spot on for doing so. Like 19reginna84 said, better to break up now than end up with a nasty divorce later. Holy smokes you don't want to have to deal with that one....
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for responding to my question. This was just the kind of support I need to make it though this. It's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): Yes, you did the right thing. It sounds as if you have different values on these issues, and shared values are very important in a relationship. It is wise of you to expect him not to change or try to force change at him. It may be hard now, but you will both be better off in the end, to find people who share your values (on both sides.) Better to break-up now than a nasty divorce later.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 You've identified what are your dealbreakers and found four of them in him. Sounds like you're doing the right thing.
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