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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm sorry if this is really long but I desperately need some advice. I've just turned 18 and my boyfriend is 21. We've been together for just over 8 months now and are madly in love with each other. It would seem from the outside that we have this perfect relationship but at the moment I am hurting badly. Over the last 6 months we've tried many times to have sex but it just hasn't happened for us. A few weeks into our relationship we tried for the first time but he couldn't get an erection, I was a little upset (I know I shouldn't have reacted that way but I was 17, a little immature and probably not ready to do it anyway)but I got over it and we moved on.Now 6 months on we still haven't done it because of his erection problems. We do other stuff (occasionally he performs oral on me or uses his fingers) but I can never return the favour. The one time I tried to go down on him he got an erection but lost it as soon as I started touching him. I'm not going to lie, it hurt like hell and now I'm terrified of going near his penis again.He promised me he would go sort it out so he made an appointment about 2 months ago. The doctor then told him that physically everything was fine but he should go back for a blood test just to make sure. He never returned for the test and we have since stopped talking about the problem.Now I'm driving myself insane with wondering what it is that I'm doing wrong or what's wrong with me. He tells me that he loves me constantly but I don't understand how he can say that and not want to make love to me. I wish he would tell me what he's thinking. My friend's say that I'm too young to have to put up with this but I don't want to do the horny teenager thing and be all "I'll dump you if you won't have sex with me". That's not what our relationship is about.I'm terrified that this is going to be the rest of my life. My confidence is shattered and I really need your help.
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confidence, erection, horny, immature Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Psychological issues. Probably performance anxiety, or maybe he's got emotional/religious hangups about having sex, etc.
If he's 21 and he has a pulse then I guarantee that he's horny for you. Don't feel bad about that aspect of it.
I would argue to stay with him, though. The whole male gender is absolutely demonized because some guys insist on sex in a relationship before their partner is ready.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Well, I'm no expert on medical matters, and I've no idea if diabetes is 'inheritable', but I do know it's a cause of E.D. His GP is the one to establish whether or not he's got diabetes, so again, I'd recommend a thorough medical check-up to either confirm it or rule it out.
Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil you mentioned that diabetes could be a potential cause. My boyfriend's mum has diabetes, is that significant in any way? Thanks everyone else for you help and advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I would say that this is possibly a psychological problem.
He failed to get it up once, and by the sound of it you had an adverse reaction to that. If so, this will only have compounded the problem. He's afraid of failing which shuts his system down and he then can't get an erection which makes him feel a failure. A vicious circle if you like.
You need to take the pressure off him and tell him you don't want sex, just a cuddle (irrespective of whether this is the truth or not) and just enjoy some naked closeness. With any luck it'll happen sooner or later. If he has the slightest 'flicker in his knicker' don't try to jump on it until it's rock hard.
I'm not sure what a blood test would achieve. A blood pressure check is probably more in order. High blood pressure can be a cause of this problem, as can diabetes and other conditions. Convince him he needs checking out, just in case there's a serious underlying problem.
Another good 'pointer' is that if he wakes up with an erection there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as such.
Hope that helps a bit.
Phil
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A
male
reader, dapone 1  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 hi
get your boy friend to go back to the Doctors there are several medical conditions that can cause this problem and one of them is dangerous to his life if it is not treated,he must get medical treatment as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (19 October 2007):
 I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to have the blood test. Tell him you want him to have it because you love him and want to know that everything is alright phsyically. Does your boyfriend have experience with sex? It sounds to me like he's getting himself so worked up about it that he's too nervous to maintain an erection. Do you both talk honestly about sex? Your worries, your doubts, what you want in bed? It sounds like communication might be the key here. Also, maybe you could doing stuff that doesn't have the ultimate goal of penetrative sex, like kissing and cuddling naked or trying to pleasure him without the thought of penetration entering your mind. Concentrate on sorting out the problem in the little areas and hopefully the big areas will look after themselves.
CD
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A
female
reader, Its_X_  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Calm down. Just because he can't get an erection means your life is over, and you aren't doing wrong. Its him if you ask me. He might need viagra to help him but otherwise what you've been doing normally gets a guy to have an erection. Bring up the problem non chalantly and ask if he'd go to the doctor again. If he loves you, he won't mind you asking one simple thing. Unless you ask him to do stuff constantly, then it might seem like you ask too much of him. Don't worry. If there's something on his mind, he'll tell you. Don't push it too much. Good Luck.
Love
X
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