A
female
age
36-40,
*reeneyes2010
writes:My husband and I have been marred for five months. He is in gradschool and I'm work. We dated for 8 years before our wedding. I would like to have a baby but, he don't want one until schools done and he has a good job. That's like in five years. Thats if he can find a job... What do I do? Am I being selfish?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 October 2010):
 No it's not selfish. But it is immature and unrealistic. You have only been married 5 months (a very short period of time), and he's still in school. Having a baby while still in school is going to make life incredibly stressful and difficult. Plus, there just isn't money for a baby, which are very expensive. He's just trying to be realistic. You'll still want a baby in a few years, but it will be a better experience for both of you if you wait until he's out of school. You're still young.
A
female
reader, greenplanner +, writes (23 October 2010):
You have plenty of time to start a family when he is out of school. Your impatience seems kind of immature. You have to think of what's best for you as a married couple, not just what you want.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 October 2010):
You're not being selfish. It's totally natural to want to start a family, given that you're married. But you are being a bit short sighted I'm afraid.
Think about this. You are the only person making money. You fall pregnant, and you'll have to leave work. Then there's no money. Then you won't be able to realistically afford anything for the baby or yourselves. No decent home, no furniture, no clothing, no food, nothing. To add to that, your husband is already under enough stress in grad school. The last thing he needs is to feel under pressure either to drop that, or to have to split time impossibly between a family and school. It just won't happen.
And, to add to all that, we're in the middle of the recession, which makes everything unstable.
Your best bet really is to wait, no matter how hard. You have less to lose by waiting, than if you have a baby now. Have a baby now, and you will be under a huge amount of stress with no money. And that's what breaks marriages.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): It's perfectly reasonable for your husband wanting to wait until school is done to start a family. I personally know that graduate school is a very stressful time, requiring plenty of concentration on studies and leaving almost no room for any added, unnecessary stress, like frequent doctors visits, crying babies and even less financial stability.
Think about it: You are the breadwinner of the family right now if he is still in school, and you're the only one working. He cannot possibly fully provide financial support for you, him and a baby when you can't work because you're pregnant. Then, once you have the baby, you can continue your maternity leave or go back to work, at which point, you will have to put your infant in daycare because he cannot care for it because he has class to attend and homework to do. Having a baby would make the next four years very, very difficult for him.
Besides, if you're between 22 and 25, you can certainly wait 5 years to start a family without risk.
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