A
female
age
51-59,
*ales7
writes:I just on here for moral support really, 3 years ago just before I became forty I found out my husband had been cheating with someone he new had tried to befriend me. For months I knew he was having an affair but just didnt know who with. Anyway to cut along story short after alot of soul searching I forgive him. The begining of this year he start acting how he used to to when I thought something was going on before and I spoken with him about this and he said I must learn to trust him again. I have now found text messages on his phone and call logs with her number on. He says its only because he gave her a lift how could he even have any contact with this woman when he knows how much he hurt me. I have asked him to leave and he is now turning nasty. Am I being paranoid or is this really happening all over again?
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female
reader, Again  +, writes (20 August 2010):
If you feel violated you are violated. He clearly crossed the trust line again. After shattering it before, a much wider barrier of protection was needed to help heal the wound...scars are more sensitive for a while. He is wrong. It is wrong and inappropriate to have an emotional attachment with the opposite sex when married. He cared enough about her to hide what he was up to...which equals a violation of marriage. Get help, get to counseling get strong and prepare your exit.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): No one here can tell you that he is cheating or not.
so i do not know asking him to leave is right thing to do or not.
if he is not cheating then obviously, it was not good to ask him to leave.
now whether or not he is cheating or not is complex issue.
but chances are that he may be right too when he said ...trust me..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): it is obvious that your hb has total disrespect for you therfore he is in contact with this other woman. i think you know what your gut is telling you, and you yourself know your hb. he would not admit to having another affair, would he? you need to catch him in the "act" and force the issue. you cannot build any trust with him being secretive
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A
female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (19 August 2010):
In order to gain your trust needed to show respect after last time. There is no way that a truly sorry man would expose your relationship to risk again as he is doing. Of course he knows that any form of contact with her is a betrayal after what you have been through. Even if that weren’t as obvious as the nose on your face, he has also kept it secret. Double trouble. What a stupid man, unless he doesn’t really care in which case he is just playing games with people and waiting to see who drops out because he is too cowardly to choose.
A good way of dealing with it, is to tell him he is free to go. The only thing is you have to mean it because that is the only way to make it work. Put this in a letter. Say you would like him to go and that you are not sure how you feel about him anymore.
You have to have decided that you would rather be alone than with him ,unable to trust him and with him only giving you half hearted efforts at making things better. If he wants to stay, you can state your conditions and this would include him proving to you that he has told her not to contact him again. Plus following absolutely through. Underlined. Now not only must he say what he will do, he will have to show you. All the time.
This is really hard and I rather suspect he has blown it, even if you don’t want that to be true.
Listen to the sinking feeling in your stomach, it tells you the truth. If he comes up with counselling and other suggestions maybe. Otherwise, and it looks like he is selfish, probably not – I think he is losing your heart because you must know someone who had your interests at heart could not hurt you this way. So why love someone who doesn’t protect you and hurts you like this?
Get a bit of strength and belief in yourself. Protect that precious thing called you from further hurt. That means standing firm because this is one of those times when you have no choice.
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A
female
reader, Brandee77 +, writes (19 August 2010):
 I had the same type of experience with my husband and his co worker. I asked him and he would just get all butt hurt for me asking saying obviously you just don't trust me. The issue was she was supposed to be my friend as well and she was sending me messages telling me of "an affair" and I found Text messages by looking through his call list on our cell phone bill.
I asked him about it and he said she is my co worker i have to talk to her. I told him based on some emails and things she had told me, she was being blocked. I was not comfortable with him and her talking like this. He was talking to her about "us" and our relationship and it was affecting me. He told me she was his "best friend" at that time and I reminded him of the statement he made to me when I had a couple of guy friends that he did not like... "Guys only befriend girls they eventually want to F#$%!" .... He agreed that he was attracted to her in the first place. And, well I was right. He was sorry and it would end now. Personally, and honestly I still don't know if he ever cheated. He says no and the way she acts, I am sure nothing ever did happen and now she is about to leave that job and be out of our lives forever. Now my husband and her don't ever talk about anything and she was removed off his team at his request because he knows how much it bothers me.
I understand people may "have" to be in contact for some reasons. But a personal cell phone is too personal in my eyes. If he knows that talking to her is really bothering you, he would stop, or even ask her to stop contacting him, personally. If they work together, he would make an effort to only contact her while at work or via email. Let him know if you don't stop contact with her, I can't stay. Let him know you are serious about this and this will be it this time, and explain why you don't trust him... due to the last issue you all had and it takes time and you have not repaired the damage from the last time. Calmly and collectively explain how you are feeling and see how that goes.
I would not normally say do an Ultimatum but in some cases you just have to.
If he brings up the trust issue with you again, just tell him show me the text messages between you and her and I will trust you as long as their is nothing bad on there. Put him on the spot. If he says I deleted them or I don't have any when you know they were there. You will have your answer. Don't let him lie to you and get away with it. My husband tried that ... I caught him in a big one and he learned never to do it again.
Good luck to you no matter what you choose to do, my thoughts are with you.
XOXO
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A
female
reader, hales7 +, writes (19 August 2010):
hales7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe first message I read was from a day he supposed to have been in London at a Cousins Birthday Party. The second came a day later (the day he returned stating Thank you for Last Night). I only check his phone because a friend of mine saw him in a pub and also saw her they were not together but when he left so did she. He drove off and she walked around the corner in the opposite way. That is why I asked him to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Well to be really honest with you, I think he could be cheating again because exactly what you said why would he have any sort of contact with her if he knew how much he had hurt you. The way I think of it, if you have ah gut feeling that he is having an afair he probabley is, but that's the way I look at it. Also if he is turning nasty he is hiding something.
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A
female
reader, fishy fish +, writes (19 August 2010):
You're not paranoid at all, you trusted the man for years and he deceived you so you have every right to be suspicious especially that you found her messages on his phone.However you didn't tell us if the messages between them were lovey dovy or just casual, they might have turned friends again without any love affair in the air but on both ways you to be careful and avoid any dramatic reaction with him, i know how hurtful it must be to you knowing that he's in touch with her after the pain and damage this woman caused to your couple but give him the benefit of the doubt while watching him closely.Avoid any exaggerated reaction cause we have to also assume that if she's still in his life in a way or another that means that he might have feelings for her ( just an assumption) so don't give him ultimatum now and blow it out of proportion cause she might welcome him with open arms . Save your marriage and communicate with your husband calmly and rationally no matter how angry u are.
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