A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:There is a man at work who may be bullying me. At first he was really nice and charming and went out of his way to make me feel special. He knows that I am in a relationship but he spent a lot of time telling me I was nice / attractive.Then I made a small mistake and accidently misplaced something of his. It wasn't a big deal but ever since he has been cold. He tells me he is ok with it but I don't think he is.Recently he has been going out of his way to put me down - for example rolling his eyes when I speak and asking me questions he knows I can't answer to assert his own superior knowledge. He is nice to everyone else and cold with me. He also flirts a lot with other women in front of me, like really cringeworthy and over the top.Maybe he is insecure or an attention seeker. I know I should not have let him crawl under my skin but it has really upset me and made me feel a less unconfident both in and out of work.Is he a bully or an attention seeker? Not sure what to do any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, dorothy2342  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 What was it of his you misplaced? It might not mean much to you, but it may be a very big deal to him. If I were you I would replace what ever it was of his you misplaced along with a sincere apology. You seem to have dismissed it a little to easily.
A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (21 March 2010):
I bet you are younger than him and he probably fancys you into the bargain. I would speak to him alone and tell him if it does not stop, you will go to HR and it will be resolved once and for all?
As the last person said he is an arse!
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 Some of the stuff you described falls under the definition of "creating a hostile work environment."
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 Go to human resources and ask to be given a copy of the written policies on harassment in the workplace. Just tell them that you want to understand what the policy is. At the very least, if you have to escalate this, your pre-visit to the office will be on record.
Next, if a person regularly asks you questions that he knows you do not know the answer to...this is an intimidation tactic. The best answer is to call him out on it, and point out that he is asking you questions that he already knows you do not know, and ask him why he would do that. do not raise your voice, use "a matter of fact" tone, no matter how he reacts. If he freaks out, stay calm, and "a matter of fact" voice tonality. This will protect you legally.
Next, the fact that he used to compliment you on your appearance is not appropriate for the work place. This should have been your first clue. He was attracted to you, and because he could not "get" you he is lashing out passive aggressively. The issue is going to be if you did anything to encourage his behavior. If you liked the attention, and it can be proven, it will work against you.
Finally, you need to learn to have boundaries and enforce them before things get further out of hand. If this guy is derailing your confidence at work THIS much, then I (as well as your superiors) will have to ask if you were ever confident on the job to begin with. You will always have to fight for your job or position in the work force. He is not the first to be intimidated by you, and he will not be the last to try to undermine your status on the job.
If after you read the policy at work, if you feel that you have been harassed then you have two options:
1-next time he acts that way to you, let him know that you are starting to feel harrassed by him, and set whatever boundary you need to set with him. If he is smart, he will listen and back off. Verbally Quote the policy to him if you must. Do not give him your copy, or any copy of the policy. That is not your job, nor place.
2-speak directly to your human resource director again. And let them handle it
-Frank
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (21 March 2010):
I think this guy resents that you're in a relationship. I think he's looking for an excuse to scapegoat you for his frustrations, whatever those are.
I agree that he's a dick, and I'd be wary of him... don't be alone with this guy. He might be crazy.
I'm not sure if this meets the legal definition of bullying, but I do know that in England they have laws against bullying in the workplace.
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A
female
reader, glorycheck +, writes (21 March 2010):
he is not either bulling you or attentionseeking, just ignore him and make sure you dont care what ever he does I am sure if you answere him nicely and dont care what he says or he does he will stop soon
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A
female
reader, Vicci +, writes (21 March 2010):
 he is a dick.
just ignore him. you are better than him, and show him that by holding your head up high.
x
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