A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I asking to much from a man? Hello I have been single for two years and in my early thirties - long story short I have a mother that is like poison with her mouth “when will you find a guy” - “can you have a child in ur late thirties” - she is married to my dad still(hostile marriage) they were in arranged marriage and basically my grandparents told her to stay.. no love thereNow my question is after hearing her am I asking too much?I would like a man that is loyal - respects me like I would with him and had a steady job like I do - I’m not rich but I work very hard and I am a loyal woman - I have good hygiene and I take care of myself - is this too much to ask the same in return ?I have been waiting and when it gets toward the two year mark of being single I get anxious and hearing my mother it just makes me worried ..She settled with my dad and he is not a good man .Please advice - I’m not picky on men either But I do want to somewhat be attracted to them - what should I do ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2018): I think you might be asking too much of your mom. Your mom simply asking if you will find a man- well of course she wonders and she is trying to get information on where you stand on this, if you are interested in settling down or not. Annoying yes, but not "like poison". Same for "can women have babies in their late thirties?" okay, she is asking if you would give her grandchildren then. I understand this stresses you, BUT it is natural for a mother to wonder. She is getting older too and probably anxious on her own terms cuz she doesn't know how much longer she will have to enjoy them. Just, be gentle on your mom.
Secondly, I think you do have high standards of people (judging by your comments on your mom) so yes these probably apply to guys as well. You need to make sure you are forgiving of people. THey won't be perfect and they won't say perfect things. THey will say stupid things or be annoying sometimes. They will want to have fun and let loose sometimes, and I wonder if you are a little bit uptight (just a guess). If you are nitpicking every little thing that a man says to you and getting annoyed they are not going to like that. Relax, don't put so much pressure on yourself, and don't put so much pressure on others either.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018): No, you're not asking too much. There are plenty of keepers out there, and you can't rush being with the one who will treat you right. When they come along, don't be stuck up though. Nothing turns a guy away faster than a girl with an attitude. If he seems decent enough, just mold the rest of him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018): Your mother isn't a happy woman. Her personality has been soured and embittered by her situation; and for the lack of being allowed any choices. Due to circumstances beyond her control, all her life. She is too old to change; but you are young enough to develop some immunity to the things she says, and really has no power or authority over. It's just her ways. She was born in a different era. When you feel powerless; you either become angry, or you become defeated.
You first have to take-charge and show some backbone. She's your mother, but how she speaks to you as an adult should have some guidelines and boundaries.
Excuse your mother politely when you see she is going for the jugular. "Excuse me mother, I think I know what you're about to say. Don't!" "Mother, if the next word out of your mouth is hurtful, I'm leaving!" Or simply hold up your hand up in the the gesture to STOP, and lower our eyes to the floor without saying a word. Turn and leave her house. Do it again and again. Don't stand like a timid child or sitting duck, taking all her cheap-shots and insults.
She has been voiceless all her life, but thinks she's still in-charge of your life. She's not anymore! Don't let her chisel you down into the miserable embittered-woman she has become. In your own house, be the woman in-charge. "Mom, time for you to go! I'll call you!"
Now about men. I think you should raise your standards. You're single, hard-working, and a good woman. You don't need a man just to make your mother shut-up. You have the choice to seek happiness and a good life. You can choose, and not settle; just because of old-traditions and pressure from an angry old-woman. Who didn't take control, or had no choice to. You're living in a modern world; and what cultural-traditions you follow are up to you.
Go online and find a reputable dating-site that caters to your specific needs. Date and take your time. You can share the this with your mother, but I think it best you not discuss your love-life with her at all. She's inflexible and not open-minded enough to show you understanding and patience. She's too busy struggling with her personal-frustrations and bitterness. Love her and understand why she is as she is. In spite of it all, she loves you. She really wants you to be happy; and doesn't want you to be alone. She doesn't know how to convey that in the correct way.
She may not be the best example of a mother, or grandmother-material; but age tends to mellow us to some degree. Children often bring-out a gentility and kindness in older people. So grandchildren may sweeten her bitterness some.
Through behavior-modification, you will teach her you will interrupt her if the next word out of her mouth is a flaming-arrow. Abruptly change the subject, or let her know you have to be going. Never allow her to finish an insult; or you should turn that insult into a joke, and volley it back at her! Let her know you don't intend to be alone all your life, and she can rest assured. You will make the choices she was never able to make, and you intend to be happy and make her proud. Let her motivate you, not kill your spirit.
To say you are not picky with men will lead you into the same very dismal life your mother is in. I strongly suggest you reboot and reprogram that troubling mindset. Set a higher standard for the men you bring into your life. I think your mother has broken your spirit, and lowered your self-esteem. You are still a young woman. Don't let her do that to you! You are a woman in the 21st century, and the world is at your feet.
You can have everything you want. It doesn't just fall into your lap. You go for it!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (12 February 2018):
Your wants in a man are pretty much minimal qualifications. Are you dating and find the wrong men? Or not dating at all? If not at all, you might ask where to find these guys, which is something that's been discussed frequently here on DQ. They likely won't be at bars. You should let us know if just getting dates is the problem, or if you've just dated to many wrong men.
I'm concerned that your mom may push you into a relationship that you don't feel is the right one for you. Don't compromise. Your mom made a mistake...don't let this filter down to you. Perhaps she is living thru you in regard to a substitute for your father. Or she just wants grand kids no matter what your level of happiness (she isn't happy, so why should you be?).
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