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I’m not comfortable with my boyfriend’s contact with a woman I’ve never met, and don’t think knows he has a girlfriend!

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 February 2018) 10 Answers - (Newest, 14 February 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have an odd situation going on here, i am with my bf for 3 years and one if his female friend whom I never met calls him to ask whether he would do a minor fix in her car. Of course my bf being so nicr said fine. When she vistied his house this weekend to fix her car, she didn't realize I was hanging out with him and believe she didn't know he has gf. And she cooked dinner for him since he fixed her car and they were talking abt some stuff from their past and having fun and I was being bored entire time.

Question is , i am not comfortable that she is cooking him dinner and he totally ignoring me for her. Am I being unreasonable. Please help, i havent talked to him yet, but I know what he will say if I say something abt it 1. I'm.not ignoring you, i havent seen her in years and we were just catching up 2. Since she can't afford to pay me for fixing car, she is cooking me dinner

Please help

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2018):

Treating him like a pet dog will only make things worse. Epecially if it turns out nothing is going on.

Let's think about this. Ok- he didn't give you the attention you wanted when he was with a colleague. If it were a man, would that have been a problem? Were you territorial instincts kicking in and the normal level of attention became skewed? Possibily. Actually, I'd say it's likely. We're all capable of it.

Is it a big issue this lady is making him dinner? Yes and no. The way I see it, if I was to offer my very friendly colleage dinner in return for his help, it would be that- a thank you. But I'd normally invite the partner too. Well, actually, I'd always invite the partner.

Are you right to be upset that this lady doesn't seem to know you exist? This is the most tricky part of the situation. Thing is, I'm a male in a predominantly female workplace. I know all of them by name and ask how they are, but I don't know if they are married, single, straight, with children- not all of them, anyway. It would be easy for me to pass one of those colleagues in the street while with my wife and them exclain 'I didn't know you were married!' So just because she doesn't know, it doesn't mean anything's amiss.

Let me tell you what I think is going on. She knows full well you exist. She made no effort to meet you during the event. Your alarms started going off so you became more territorial expecting him to reciprocate. He didn't. She invited only him for the dinner. She is the issue, not your bf. I bet she knew full well you exist but she has her eyes on him. I'm hoping his naievity and instinct to be nice has blinded his vision of her intentions. You're right to tell him you don't fell comfortable with the situation. Ask him why you weren't asked to dinner. Let him explain the situation. Make him see that she's probably persuing him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2018):

I think that without more context here it is hard to say if you are overreacting. I know my ex was really good at fixing things and a number of neighbours used to get help from him- some women, and they would certainly bring treats and/or cooking. Did your boyfriend sit down with this woman to eat the dinner? Or was it just a frozen lasagna kind of deal that she brought over as a thank you? I think you might be over-reacting if the latter is the case.

Are you sure that she doesn't know you 2 are together?

You don't seem sure if she knows or not- why not just ask your boyfriend if he talked about you with her?

And if you were at his house when this was going on, why didn't you go outside and introduce yourself? I'm a little confused why you sat inside bored instead of go out and get a better idea of what is going on, and see if she is surprised or not.

I think if your boyfriend had no issue with you being there when she was there, there is probably nothing to worry about. I mean, if he wanted something to happen he probably wouldn't have encouraged you to stay at this house the same time.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (13 February 2018):

femmenoir agony auntThis is actually very simple to resolve.

You simply demand to speak to your bf, IN PERSON and if he chooses to ignore you, then you make it clear to him, that you won't allow any disrespect within your relationship and you expect him to show you the same courtesy that you show him.

If he continues to ignore you, then you steer clear of your bf, UNTIL he comes to you and believe me, he will, even if not immediately.

Once he does, you get straight to the point (both calmly/politely) and you let him know EXACTLY how you feel.

If he gets very upset/defensive or anything else that you weren't expecting, you ask him,

Why the need to react this way?

My advice sounds harsh and may even sound agressive, but in reality, it's sound, because until you know exactly what's going on and exactly where you stand with your bf, how on earth can the two of you move forward without any future issues/complications/worries?

You must sort it out now, before it eats away at YOU.

I really don't blame you, because i too, if i were in your shoes, would be quite concerned about the status of his relationship with this other woman.

Sorry to get so personal, however, my husband has one or two very good female friends, however, from day one, he spoke of me/us to his female friends and he even informed them as to how committed to me he was and how happy he was.

When a man truly loves you and wants to be with you and only you, he will not hesitate whatsoever, to share info regarding you/the two of you with all his friends/family.

If anything, it makes a man in love very proud.

My gut feeling about your situation is that, something fishy may be going on deep down.

Why? You may ask.

Well, you mentioned to your bf that you aren't comfortable with her cooking dinner for him and he's not responded to your text.

Why would that be?

(UNLESS, he knows something that you don't know).

You've both been together for 3 years, so full trust should have been established by now.

Start talking and getting the answers you deserve to hear/know.

If he tells you things that you don't like hearing, then you need to step up the plate and make some serious decisions concerning the real future of this relationship and whether or not it's worth hanging onto.

All the best!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

Just because you've been with him for three years doesn't mean it's too late to up and leave. That's the only good option. Any guy that is okay with other girls coming over and cooking dinner in exchange for fixing her car and a belly rub isn't loyal enough to keep around. Have some dignity.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

If I were you, OP, I would have introduced myself as his girlfriend and made sure I stood there and joined the conversation.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

I've read both of your posts. I think it's quite strange you've been with this guy for three years; and have never met this lady-friend of his.

Within the first year of your commitment, you introduce your girlfriend to all your friends and family. Close all dating site accounts. You notify all your exes turned-friends and friends of the opposite-sex (or same-sex, if you're gay) that you're officially off the market. Relationship status on all social media accounts: In committed relationship, or married. Whichever applies. Check all the boxes above!

She seems to have a special connection, and but it may only be for the sake of having a go-to guy when you need a handy-man.

If they have a history, it could have started as romantic but changed; but his neglect to introduce you and inform her of your relationship strips him of any credibility. There's no excuse. How else would he expect you to feel? He just put a big dent in your trust! Cooking dinner for him is no big deal; but to a girlfriend/gay-boyfriend I can understand it might be huge! Ignoring you while they're chatting away?!! Well, he really dug a big hole for himself there!

You should have confronted him the day it all happened. Instead, you probably sulked and pouted.

Discuss your problems face to face, like adults. Don't text your complaints about problems in the relationship. You should communicate in-person. You just gave him a heads-up trouble is ahead, and he's going to avoid you. Nobody in their right-mind is going to walk straight into a trap!

Before you go full-throttle bitch-mode, make him sit-down and explain why this woman doesn't seem to know who you are?

Also detail your feelings (without tears or screaming) about being ignored and her cooking for him. Then listen to what he has to say.

Ask to be formally introduced. So you will know first-hand how she fits into picture, she knows you are his girlfriend, and you will know the facts without jumping to conclusions. Most of all, she will know some boundaries! He's taken!

If he objects, refuses to talk about it, or gives you some lame explanation to evade the issue. Let him know you're going to decide if he's worth keeping, or giving him his walking-papers. If he's faithful and wants to maintain your trust, he's got his work cutout for him! Then you have to think this over, and weigh your pros and cons.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No i don't assume anything wrong going on between them, i just didn't feel comfortable her cooking for him. But anyhow he is not picking my call or responding. May be i overblown it or it is what is it. I just to have wait for him to get back to me and decide how we go, there is nothing I could do at this point.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHe hasn't told her about you? And you have dated for 3 years? THAT seems VERY shady of him.

If she is JUST a friend, there should be NO problem telling her about you and then later introducing you to her.

While it MIGHT be a simple exchange - car fix for a dinner, it seems a tad weird that she doesn't know about you. Even if they haven't seen each other in years, they OBVIOUSLY have talked to each other - otherwise they couldn't set up a day for him to fix her car....

But ALL that aside, OP - do you no trust your BF?

Because THAT is what it comes down to. TRUST.

After 3 years, has he not EARNED some trust with you?

Do you not PRESUME that your BF is faithful and respectful of your relationship to NOT overstep the boundaries of your relationship?

Fixing a woman's car doesn't automatically mean SHE will be PAYING for the help on her back. So why do you assume that is the case?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

I think you need to consider seriously wether after 3 years your bf hasn't told his female friend . I mean your putting all this blame on the girl . Your quite right with your text . I would also say after 3 years if he thinks excluding you for a friend is right while she makes dinner in his house is just so odd

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update on the situation, i told him I'm not comfortable with her cooking for him and it's been hours and he is not responding to my text

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