A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I allowed to love someone while knowing he's not the one? How do I tell him that--I don't want to lead him on and have him plan our futures together, but he's a very all-or-nothing guy, and I don't want this to be the end--I'd still like to be with him for the present. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHopefully this is my final response to this question, thanks eve for keeping up.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (8 June 2007):
 DON'T tell him while he's in Iraq. It will devastate him. Continue to write to him without the mushiness, he'll know from the "friendliness" of your letters that something has changed. It's very difficult being in a long distance relationship. Everyone has wants and needs and what I feel you are lacking is the physical closeness. You miss the hugs and the kisses, him being there when you feel low, feeling his protective arm around you when you feel sad. You've felt as close to him as you can be but the distance is now taking its toll on you.
You say you won't see him for at least 6 months. I would definitely continue to write to him but like I said without the mushiness. Don't break up with him by letter or by phone. You need to talk to him in person and explain exactly how you feel. It won't be easy for either of you but at least you're being totally honest with him, far better to do that than marrying him for the wrong reasons then breaking up later.
At the moment he needs his spirits to be kept high. He'll most certainly look forward to your letters so I would keep writing to him. Make them general, talk about things you did, places you went etc without getting all sentimental. Once he comes home again then you have that talk with him. He'll probably have a good idea how you're feeling which will lessen the blow. Who knows, his priorities might have changed after seeing the bloodshed in Iraq, he may not want to settle down but travel and see more of the world, you never know.
Eve
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has made me feel so happy and so cared for and I too care for him so much that I can't imagine not being with him and caring for him. i've been hysterical thinking about letting him go, The potential of leaving him distresses me more than the actual doubts. but maybe its been a selfish cry. I don't think about the future as much as I used to, and we're trying to write encouraging things to each other by expressing our love but I find it much harder than I used to..I used to think about potential kids, and being old together, but that thinking has sort of faded, and when he asks me to express my feelings for him I get nervous [even a bit of dread] and it's more of an effort. I know, this all sounds like i have to move on...i hate doing this when he's not even near by, i know it sounds like an excuse but it'd be nice if the doubts could be confirmed or denied by time spent together, and we'll only get time in at least 6 months [we've always been longdistance and admitedly it's starting to take a toll on me]. I still want to be there for him while hes overseas, and...always, but it sounds like i'm not being right like that. how do you suggest i end it [give it a month into his leave? by phone?], and how do i do it in a way that will leave us as much friends as i can...he's my best friend, so i'm petrified to lose it all. please be easy on me, i get the paranoid feeling that some have resented my dumb question.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (1 June 2007):
If you feel all of that then why were you quite adamant that he was not the one? Has he talked about planning your future together? How long have you been together? Explain what you mean when you say "he's a very all or nothing guy"? Is he in Iraq just now? When did he go and how long will he be until you see him again?
Eve
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI DO feel this. maybe I'm just being insecure because he's just been sent to Iraq and i'm distancing myself a little to justify the separation.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (31 May 2007):
If you truly love him then you respect him for who he is, warts and all. You want to look after them and protect them, you look out for them and put them first. You feel happy and content in their company and enjoy being together. Above all you can be yourself when you're with them. You never try to be anything more or someone different because you don't need to. You don't have to impress them to win them over and you never have to play games to make them like you. There is trust and understanding on both sides and you feel safe and secure within yourself. You would never undermine them, they are not someone in whose company you feel threatened or small. They are someone with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and worries, a person with whom you should be able to share anything, they are your friend and your confidante and you can be honest with them at all times, you can tell them anything because they love you as you are.
He/she may be someone who is the direct opposite of you. On the surface you may seem like chalk and cheese. Whilst you may be loud and forceful they may be quiet and thoughtful. You may come from different backgrounds, different countries or be twenty years apart but this doesn't matter. There is an unspoken language between you, the spiritual connection between you both is so deep that you seem to be able to communicate without even speaking to each other. You are happy to lie in silence together. You feel sometimes that there is no need to talk because you feel that you know what they are thinking anyway. You feel so close to them that sometimes you think you could almost read their mind. You know when they are worried, in pain, or sad just by looking at them. It is as though there exists some kind of telepathy between you.
Real love stands the test of time, you laugh together, cry together and even have your differences but this doesn't matter, you love that person AND their failings. You come together in a crisis and work through things together and this just brings you closer. You take their feelings into consideration in all that you do. They are the most important person in your life!
Is THIS how you feel about him?
Eve
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, well...maybe I miswrote, things don't feel the way they used to. How can I tell the difference between getting comfortable in a relationship and being out of love? And, to complicate it: he was just sent to Iraq; how do I know these arent just insecurities arising right now b/c of the situation?
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (24 May 2007):
First of all, you don't LOVE this man. You may be fond of him and enjoy his company but you certainly aren't in love with him, if you were you would want to be together for eternity.
Think about it this way. You are with a man you adore, you see you and him getting married and growing old together then one night you over hear him talking to his friend saying "I really like her, she's a wonderful person but she's not "the one" for me Joe, thing is I don't want to tell her that, so what do I do?" NOW... how would YOU feel???????
Eve
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (23 May 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
How can you "love" him if you don't envision you two being together in the future? Are you sure you don't just lust him instead?
If I were you, I would spare him the feeling of having his heart ripped out if he's "a very all-or-nothing guy." Playing with someone's emotions is very cruel. I'm sure you understand that.
But if you just can't help yourself, at least tell him that you don't want anything serious. (I totally do not recommend that, though, because of his personality. Sounds like he would get too attached to you.)
Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): All I have to say...is I totally agree with eyeswideopen, on this. Let him go, girl. So he can find someone who does truely and sincerely love him, not just keep him hanging around until you get a more impressive offer.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 May 2007):
 In other words you want to hang on to him until you find someone better. That's not very nice. Cut him loose so he can find his own true love. It's the ethical thing to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, mercedes34 +, writes (23 May 2007):
 You have to accept the situation, Know that he is a freebird that can never be tamed..Know in your heart that you love him and that there will always be a place for him..Be there for him through his ups and downs..However, you need a life too..there is room for another relationship. Hold him close to your heart. You don't ever have to let go..
...............................
|
