A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I had a 5 yr relationship with an unavailable guy which recently ended. I called him several times in 1 week,went by his work to talk to him and went over to his house but i did not threaten him. am I a stalker? After these 3 incidences in the last month am I a stalker? I also went through a divorce recently and resigned from my job and am going through menopause.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): No you are not a stalker. its sad that you are in this situation but i have been where you are now, and i promise that life will feel good again.time distance and silence will help. i removed all reminders of him, momentoes, pictures, and gave them to a friend to store....that was 3yrs ago. i never asked to see them and yes he has a place in my heart but i have moved on.everytime you feel like thinking about him or thinking of contacting him, do another activity for yourself...shoppping,bake a cake,watch a film, do some washing, visit friends,have a pamper bath make yourself busy, clean, decorate, read, avoid talking about him, but allow yourself a little grief time each day to feel what you feel and i promise as time goes by it will hurt less.you will be alright, you will be happy:)again, and when you are ok you will invite someone new into your soul.every relationship has value and your love no less real because he was unavailable, but you deserve to love yourself back to health so you can be whole again. you also deserve an exclusive relationship.let him see you walk away, head high, tears dry, and he can feel the void while you raise yourself up, and show the world how wonderful you are, that you are a winner, a survivor and you have learned and grown.happy vibes to your sad soul to help warm and heal you. x
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (16 August 2008):
 No you are not a stalker you are just upset. From experience as my ex husband took out an injunction against me because I kept contacting him I would leave him alone. Infact with me it was only the injunction which forced me into leaving him alone. I was upset at the breakup and I fully understand what you are going through. All I can say is what you have done is perfectly natural under the circumstances but as you have not had a positive response I suggest you leave him alone.
Concentrate solely on yourself for a while, if you want to grieve and sit and watch tv or shop till you drop its fine. Anything that passes the time and puts some distance between you and the man is beneficial. I have found and wish I had accepted it earlier that you cannot force someone to want to be with you however hard you try. I so wish I had accepted this earlier put a brave face on and just said ok. I suspect you feel lost and alone at the moment but as each day goes by with no contact the feelings will slowly begin to disperse and you will be able to think about other things and move on a bit.
All the best,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): Dear Poster You have received excellent answers from the other Aunts;I just have one question: You mentioned you are going through a divorce, is this guy "part" of the reason for the divorce( directly or indirectly)? Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 August 2008):
As long as you left him alone once he asked you to then you are not a stalker. As long as you don't continue turning up at his house and calling him then you are not a stalker.
Imagine if you'd split up with a guy and you didn't want any contact with him... if he did to you what you are doing to this guy, would you consider it stalking?
You seem to have no ties to where you are at the moment... and that is a fantastic opportunity if you let it be. What is there to stop you selling up and opening up a bar on the coast? You could move to france and start a vinyard... you could go anywhere and do anything right now.
Don't let some "unavailable" man hold you back. Sell everything you own, say your goodbyes and find out where the next flight at your local airport is going.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2008):
 By unavailable, do you mean he's married or in long-term relationship?
As far as being labeled a stalker, have you stopped trying to make contact with him now? I'm guessing that the reason you wrote in is because either he or his wife is accusing you of stalker-like behavior. I'm guessing he is. This must have been a bitter break up for you, to be dropped after 5 years. I would also guess that you were trying for some closure and to get your anger and upset clearly expressed to him, or to beg him to come back to you.
It seems to me that all the things you said are happening to you are things that are pretty much out of your control. Your personal life is falling apart, your career has screeched to a halt (you said you resigned, you didn't use the word retire) and your body is changing in ways that aren't particularly welcome or I expect comfortable. Sorry for being a bit crass, but right now for you, life sucks. So maybe you were trying to have some sort of control over the one thing that you may have been counting on. A five year relationship is not an insignificant thing and to have it end at the same time as all these rather negative transitions must be a huge stressor.
I certainly wouldn't suggest that you attempt any more contact with the stalk-ee, but I would cut you a bit of slack, as long as you understand that it's not a good idea for you to continue.
Sometimes in health columns, you read a list of stressors that people encounter in their lives, and how it's a risk to physical and mental health. One or two are cause for concern. You have FOUR major life changes happening. You need to make sure that you are taking the best possible care of yourself that you can. Go see your doctor, get a check up, consider getting a referral to a therapist if you're having some problems coping. Get support from your friends and family.
Stop focusing on the little things, take a huge step back and look at your own personal big picture. Now is as good a time as any to evaluate where you are in life and where you would like to be. Then start making plans to get yourself there.
Hope this helps. Please do take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): The line between wanting to be with someone and being a stalker is a fine line. Being with someone for 5 years is a long time so it is difficult to give up without a fight. At the end of the day its about if you both are having a period of seperation or that he dosent want to be with you anymore. If you are getting no positive responses from your advances to him then I would give it up and move on. You can never make someone love you and will only get more hurt. Its a tough time for you but brighter days do come again.
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