A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I just recently moved to college and I made some friends. We all live next-door to each other so it’s really hard to avoid them consistently which is why I’ve been trying to salvage our friendship over and over and over again. There’s three of them one of which I have had many negative encounters with but I still care about her. Another is kind of popular and is praised in our group by the others for her social media status and these two girls talk about me the most. And the third is super loyal and kind and never talks about me and actually tells me about how much the other to talk about me. We had some really great vibes at first but then they started acting off and weird and it wasn’t until recently that I learned they were upset about something that I did a couple of months ago which had a very logical explanation about it but instead of coming to me and asking me they talked about it within themselves and talked about me behind my back. We had a long conversation and I was able to let this go yet recently we went to LA together and I got really drunk. I threw up inside of a bag and I did not participate in any of the things that we did as a group on our last day there. I was very upset about this and I was really mad at myself but at the same time we all have our moments so I didn’t beat myself up about it too much plus it already happened so it didn’t make sense. Anyways later on that night we return home and they start making all these comments about how drunk I was. By the way I was in the car alone majority of the day yet they got mad at me because they said that I had this really bad attitude and I wasn’t grateful for them taking care of me (when I only remember taking care of mysel) By the way I Pride myself on my politeness. I never goes without saying thank you or please or sorry not for something. Yes yes it’s completely possible that I didn’t say thank you or anything but I am so kind and I always show how grateful I am for anything to anybody ever guest for me and that’s not me being coffee that’s something I pride myself on and they should know that. . They told me that I should’ve said thank you and that I should’ve had the attitude that I had. One of them even yelled at me after I confronted her about making a joke. They kept saying little things and making little comments and when I responded to them or reacted to them they made it seem like I was the one who was wrong. And then when one gangs up on me the rest of them just stand there and listen and then they talk about it with each other and then I left out. last night they all went to dinner and usually we do everything together. they invited everybody even another girl but not me. Am I crazy or am I wrong and just oblivious to it or do these girls really not like me. Also note that there is a lot of jealousy within our group and these girls consistently say certain things that shows that they might be jealous of me. Do I need to find new friends ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2021): Thanks, RubyBirtle! I just realized she was a female, not a male! My bad! Sorry OP!
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (26 October 2021):
@Wiseowl.... Where does the poster state that she is a gay man?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2021): I meant to say:
"You're not a female, and you won't be accepted as a honorary-member of their gender; unless you come-out as gay!"
P.S.
Maybe it's time to start dating, and just dealing with "one lady" liking you at a time. Growing a fan-club takes too much work. Besides, how many times can one incident be thrown-up in your face? No pun intended!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2021): My friend, you're dealing with females. They interact with other females and with males differently. You're the lone-male, and you are a representation of all other males. If you do something stupid or wrong; in the girl-world, you become a learning-tool that they will practice on. You are a specimen, and you are being used like a lab-rat in an experiment. If you don't know this, time will teach you.
First-off, be realistic. You can't be perfect, and say or do the right-thing all the time. Can they? Do they ever make mistakes? You can't stop gossip. Guys gossip about you...news flash...the ladies gossip behind your back too! When people within your circle of "so-called" friends tend to dwell too much on your minor-offenses, faults, and missteps; you have to back-off them for awhile. The more you attempt to get them back on your side; the more they'll use your mistakes against you. They're being judgy, and taking it upon themselves to punish you for your misbehavior. They should be excused, but you already have a mother.
The psychology behind it is to make you pander to their egos; and become pliable to their demands. If you were a narcissist; you wouldn't care what they say or do, and you'd go out of your way to make that clearly known...as rudely and condescendingly as you could possibly convey it. Don't you dare do that; being a narcissist is a bad thing! You'd deserve all the backlash coming to you!
Let them gossip, shrug it off. If it's based on constructive-criticism, and you know you've committed a serious offense; stand to be corrected. Man-up to your mistakes; but don't hand your balls over to them to be juggled or squashed. When the "mean-girls" come-out, and decide to gang-up for some recreational "male-bashing;" just remind them they're not perfect, real-friends mind boundaries, and you're not there for their entertainment.
You are old enough to know you can't please everyone all the time. You also know, people like blowing your faults or weaknesses out of proportion; and rubbing your nose in your mess, because it makes them feel better about themselves. People tend to "gang-up" these days; because they feel it takes a gang to make a point. It does, when you aren't smart enough on your own to get your point across; or you're just wrong from the get-go! Piling-on is bullying, and it's not fair when you're only dealing with one person.
Spend more time with your guy-friends (or go make some, if you have none); and stop trying to corral these ladies into your own personal harem. They are three different individuals; with three different personalities to juggle. You will never become an expert a manipulating women; and you'd be a fool to try. Being sweet and agreeable doesn't matter, not when they've got the goods on you! They'll use them as a weapon, and/or a constant-reminder to zap your strength. That means you'll have to roll with the punches; and lean to dodge and duck their bullets. Dump them as friends altogether, when the climate becomes too toxic.
When you have an issue with any one of the three, speak to her as an individual; based on her own actions and behavior. Even if it concerns the others. If they act as one; it is because they think you'll pull the "toxic-masculinity" card, and try to bowl them over. Just be cool, take a beating when you're wrong; and push-back when they're out of line. Use tact, not aggression...but you can be assertive and serious. I repeat...address one lady at a time, and no bullying! You can stop apologizing for that incident.
If they take issue with a mistake made months ago; then let them all go as friends. You have a vast population of human beings to choose from, to make new-friends. You don't have to be continually caught-up in soap opera drama; and or trying to change people's minds about you. Move-on, if you're tired of the drama. You're not a female, and you won't be a seen as a honorary-member of their gender, unless you come-out as gay!
If they can't move past that matter? Oh-well! Get-over it already!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 October 2021):
 Some people don't "mentally" leave High School. If you all are freshmen in college you probably haven't grown THAT much since High School (maturity-wise) and that is OK, it will come (for most).
And while you PRIDE yourself on being grateful, it doesn't mean that you come across as being grateful at all.
This doesn't sound like a great group of friends. You all sound like immature entitled kids. While you didn't intend on getting "sick-drunk" when on an "outing" it DOEs put a damper on the fun for everyone when you have someone being sick. While GOOD friends would have taken care of you FIRST then went on with the fun, these aren't GOOD friends.
I think your expectations are too high for this group of girls. "Instant friends" is a thing but it's rare.
Try and branch out. Talk to other girls from your classes. See if there are others you have more in common with. You don't HAVE to stick with this group.
Whether they are jealous of you or not, is irrelevant. If they can't BE a friend. They aren't "better" than you. And YOU aren't "better" than them. You just really don't have much in common with them. Learning to get along with difficult people is a life skill, but THAT doesn't mean you HAVE to pretend to be friends. You can just be polite when meeting them and love on to new people.
And learn this too, if you don't like people talking about you behind your back, DO NOT talk about others behind theirs. Gossiping might be "fun" but it will bite you on the arse at some point. DO UNTO OTHERS as you would like done unto you.
Live and learn. And be the best person YOU can be.
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