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*ndian_girl21
writes: Hiya, I am 21years old, an Indian girl from the UK. I love my boyfriend and have been together for almost 2years. I am not the conventional Indian girl and enjoy going out and have had previous boyfriends etc. His famiy and friends put me through so much heartache and I have recently become depressed and it's now affected my university work. I want to be with him but because of my depression I am argueing with him and treating him with such anger, and venting it all on him. i want to be with him as i can't see myself without him but i don't know what to do. his friends try to make an effort because of all the wrong they have done, but i dont want pity or someone to take me half heartedly. i am so in love with my boyfriend, i want a future with him, and can see myself happy. i am most happiest when the two of us are alone and not disturbed, but that wont happen for a long time as he lives with his family and cant and wont lose his friends 'until the time is right'. i work with his mother, see her every day, i see her looking at me with such hate and disgust, it hurts so much. his brother has sworn at me, talked badly about me to other people, and is just rude to me like the rest of my boyfriend friend's. everyone he loves and cant leave hate me and express it in such a way that i can't cope anymore. i get abuse, the lot, i was so stressed i had to go to hospital because i have got so bad, its really tearing me apart and i hate the person i have become, always down, crying myself to sleep, crying when i'm alone and angry and upset all the time...help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): Hi,
i know how you feel!
I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now.
Before we were friends for a year and shared a few friends, one of them was actually my friend for a few years before he even meet him.
Now that we are together seems like everyone hates me, because he is with me and not out drinking every night with them they blame me.
The thing is, my boyfriend was not happy before, he was on antidepressants, drinking all the time, he didn't eat well, he looked a mess really.
Since he has been with me all his family say that he looks much better, his friends said that too before, but now, they just hate me.
So, we go out together every friday to the pub where his friends are, i seat on my corner while he chat `s to them all night long,
now and again he goes to the toilet and comes to give me a kiss, but that's our night out, him with his friends, me talking to anyone that comes by.
After all this, his friends tell him to leave me, we have fights every friday all usually to do with his friends.
I really don't know what to do, i start hating him for allowing them to interfere, we love each other so much, we get on well away from that pub, but i cant fight every weekend and feel like this for much longer.
Last weekend he told his mates to stay out of our relationship, he told them that he is happy with me and to leave it at that.
But i still cant stand that anymore, him there with them and me paranoid all night in case they talking about me.
Also, it would be nice to spend time out with him too, not just the odd kiss here and there, am i wrong?
I don `t know if i am wrong, i don `t want to keep him away from his mates but i cant be like this forever, i cant just seat away from him so they can all be happy, i want to be happy with him too.
I `m sick of the fights, taking all weekend to recover, by monday or tuesday we fine again, by friday we have the same crap all over again.
What do i do? what is the right thing to do?
Someone help me please!
Ftuley
A
reader, pops +, writes (17 June 2005):
YOu don't indicate if this is an interracial couple, or inter denominational couple. Both can be a factor. There are bigots out their, and some of them will be your love's relatives. He has to decide whether he is going to stay with you, and reject them, or choose his family over you. Tell him about your pain, and insist that he say something to his family. I married an American of Japanese descent. No problems with my family,, but she was concerned with how her grandmother would accept her marrying a caucasian ! Even her mother was afraid to break the news to grandma! I am sorry that this kind of thing is still going on, but if you are living in GB, you should already know that the English are among the worst Elitists on the globe, and all other biases are simply forms of elitism. His relatives are his problem, your relatives are your problems. As for working with him mother, stand up to her. Tell her you don't appreciate the dirty looks. If she has a problem with you, she should talk to her son. Its his decision, and he should respect his decision, even if it is to continue his relationship with you against her wishes. She should then accept what she cannot change, and try to get to know you. If she can't do this, that is her problem. Don't make it yours. pops
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A
reader, pops +, writes (17 June 2005):
YOu don't indicate if this is an interracial couple, or inter denominational couple. Both can be a factor. There are bigots out their, and some of them will be your love's relatives. He has to decide whether he is going to stay with you, and reject them, or choose his family over you. Tell him about your pain, and insist that he say something to his family. I married an American of Japanese descent. No problems with my family,, but she was concerned with how her grandmother would accept her marrying a caucasian ! Even her mother was afraid to break the news to grandma! I am sorry that this kind of thing is still going on, but if you are living in GB, you should already know that the English are among the worst Elitists on the globe, and all other biases are simply forms of elitism. His relatives are his problem, your relatives are your problems. As for working with him mother, stand up to her. Tell her you don't appreciate the dirty looks. If she has a problem with you, she should talk to her son. Its his decision, and he should respect his decision, even if it is to continue his relationship with you against her wishes. She should then accept what she cannot change, and try to get to know you. If she can't do this, that is her problem. Don't make it yours. pops
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (14 June 2005):
 You need to get your boyfriend to tell his friends and family that no matter what they say he is with you and they have to accept it. Tell him that its really hard for you and let him know just how desperate you are and how bad you are feeling. He has got to clear the air and found out why theywont accept you and he has to let them know that for the sake of your health they have to stop being so mean and will have to accept you. He has to stand up for you if this is going to work, he cant sit by and let his happen, its isnt fair and you will both be alienated in the end. Get him to chat to his mum and found out why she is so agaisnt you and he needs to tell her that he wants to be with you and that her behaving the way she does is making you ill and in turn she could lose her son by this. if they really will not back down, then in the interests of your health you may have to walk away. if your man cares enough for you he will do all he can to get them to accept you, you need his support more than ever and cant do this on your own, tell him that you really want this to work and in order for this happen he needs to help aleviate the stress they are causing.
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