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I cheated and now I'm pregnant. Don't know whether the baby is my boyfriend's or my one-night-stand's!

Tagged as: Cheating, Pregnancy, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 June 2005) 46 Answers - (Newest, 5 March 2013)
A , *ulsha writes:

Hi, my name is Rebecca. I have a huge problem that could wreck my life. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year and we have been trying for a baby for the past 7 months. I went on holiday about 4 weeks ago and on my last night i slept with a Turkish boy. I deeply regret this and would never do anything like this again. My boyfriend does not know about this. If i tell him he would never forgive me and leave me. The problem is, when i got home i found out that i was pregnant. The doctor said i was about 6 weeks which means that it isnt the Turkish boy's but the midwife says i could be less. If i am less there is a possibility it is not my boyfriends. I know i should tell my boyfriend but i dont want to if i dont have to. Do you think we would be able to tell if the baby's father is Turkish. Would the baby be darker?

Please help me. I dont know whether to risk my relationship by keeping the baby or to have an abortion and save my relationship although i could have an abortion and the baby could be my boyfriends.

(Myself and my boyfriend are both white)

An URGENT reply is needed PLEASE!!!

Thanx

BEX

View related questions: abortion, on holiday, trying for a baby

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A male reader, prophet United Kingdom +, writes (5 March 2013):

Okay, if you cheat on your partner you DESERVE to feel bad, any way you dress it up it IS your fault you can't blame it on 'frustration' "sorry I shot the guy judge I was frustrated..." see how stupid that sounds?

Tell your partner what you have done, if you were able to cheat on them then they, not you. Deserve better. there is no way to justify what you have done. I could be high on drugs and completely out of it but having sex with someone is still having sex with them. But then to lead someone on you supposedly 'love' is absurd, and with a BABY!

Bottom line tell your partner what you have done, and yes they will probably leave you and no one in their right mind would blame them. Not telling them is extremely selfish and the longer you leave it the worse it will get, if they abuse you after you tell them though that isn't right, a real man will walk way and never look back.

Oh and I am aware I could post this anonymously but I'm not a coward.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012):

I did the same thing but he did not leave me because he understood why it happened.

The thing is I was prepared to leave as i know that it would be hard for him to deal with and i wanted to come clean with his family and him and also my family.

he wanted me to keep the secret for our daughters sake as we don't know for sure that it isn't his.

So we promised each other to keep it secret.

I regret this and now it is too late. please tell the truth. it will make you feel better. trust me. when this burden is lifted off of your shoulders, your life will be more free. this child should have open honest and earnest parents. I hate this and feel i made a wrong choice. i have forgiven myself, but want to save my husband's sanity. We are trying for another child but i think it wont happen. I love him more and my child more but its been hard.

You also have to be honest with yourself, i drove myself crazy worrying if the baby had the same features as i do, i worried about our families and the disgrace i caused that would affect everyone. i even tried to commit suicide, but

failed. I had counseling, focused on my education,my baby and myself. I had help from a crisis group for families and its getting easier. I still am trying with the secret but it was our decision, i take time for myself to have a think, and i always re-evaluate my life and never settle for less.

I learned that we do things like cheat, or steal, drink, do drugs out of frustration of not knowing a way out of a big mess.

i think my body needed that help.i needed to go through it to learn more about what I needed in my life for things to change. telling him is the best thing because if he loves you enough he will keep you despite your faults. and he will not blame you but participate in the changes you need to do to make you feel better.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012):

My baby is 10 months old and my relationship with my partner is incredible. except i can't be sure he is the biological father. how are others coping with this? I know i need to tell him but he will be devastated. i think he will stay with me as we really do love eachother . i had a huge problem with drinking and don't remember physically cheating on him but i was away with work and got unconscious drunk. i no longer drink like that, and i love my family and my life, apart from this guilt. he is an incredible father and partner and no one is doubting that he is the father as he is a carbon copy of me. i do not deserve this man or child in my life

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A female reader, Hopeless in LOVE United States +, writes (23 February 2012):

WOW! I cannot believe others are in similar situations as I am. I feel like I am the only one that is going through this. ITS AN AWFUL FEELING! I have been with my boyfriend about 2 years now and things have been bad between us for quite some time now. He is a good guy but we always argue and bicker so when things only got worse and did not change for the better I stopped caring for him. I tried a few times to break up with him but he always made me feel bad and so did I so I always stuck by his side. He did not have a tendency of coming inside of me but there have been a few times. We were not as sexually active as we were in the very beginning and since I was so bored and confused about this man I did the horrible thing by cheating on him with someone else. I slept with him and this other guy around the same time. This was a guy I knew and for some reason he told me he had a vasectomy done and things got heated and I do not know why but I let him have sex with me w/o a condom. Two months later I find out I was pregnant and since I thought this other guy was not able to have kids I told my boyfriend he was going to be a daddy. He was shocked but happy and so was I. for weeks everything was great but then this other guy found out i was pregnant and told me he really did not have a vasectomy so now this child could be his or my boyfriends. I was torn and did not know what to do . I wanted to tell my boyfriend so bad but i was so scared. At 5 months I finally got the courage to tell him what i have done. HE was beyond destroyed and i realized i hurt an innocent person that could have been a great potential father. The twist to all of this is that he for a while kept on asking me if i was sure he was the father of the child. and when i told him what i have done, he told me he went to the doctor and it turned out his sperm was in active and was almost impossible to conceive a child. THis has been the craziest thing i have ever been through in my life and i wanted to die!.. literally i felt like the worst person on earth and still do. I had a great man by my side and i ruined it all because i was having issues withhim ??? now this other guys says he will be ther for the baby but he is not the happiest person. It's true what they say " you dont realize what you have until you have lost it".. I lost a good man and I will never do this again. I have no one now and I feel all alone and abandoned but I made my own destiny and I deserve to go through this.

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A female reader, NikoNikoNiko United States +, writes (10 October 2010):

I wish I could go back to when I met him and walked away. I told my ex boyfriend I cheated on him, He broke up with me, I Told the other guy I was pregnant with his kid, 'Cause I know it was him, He just looked into my eyes (I was thinking he was gonna say something reassuring) & He punched me hard in the stomach. Had a miscarriage a week later... I haven't slept... Just need someone to talk too. I know how hard it is to tell your bf though...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010):

It's insane that there are many women going through the same thing. I can not pass judgment on anyone here sharing their story because yes, mistakes have been made and if going through this torture of wondering, regret, and pain is not enough punishment; then I do not know what else to say. I have a wonderful man as a boyfriend and even though it seems cliche to say so; there was indeed a point in time where things

were not so good between us. We all go through problems in a relationship, so please bear with me ladies. My boyfriend and I ended our relationship in mid march but continued to be intimate with one another. This is where the problem begins. I remember just ending my period, and I believe is was (at most) two days afterwards, a friend came over upset. Things happened, and we ended up having sex. I'm pretty sure he "came" inside of me. I felt so terrible afterwards. Eventually, my boyfriend and I decided to establish our relationship back together not too long after the incident. (Mind you, we were still intimate through this whole time of being apart) Months down the line, I became sick only to find out that I was 3months pregnant. I bought the pregnancy tests and everything! And it came out positive. I showed my boyfriend a couple of nights later and he was ecstatic! You have to understand, he's been with his ex for 6 years and was never able to conceive a child with her. So the news of my pregnancy was truly a blessing. Only then did I remember of the incident with my friend. I am currently 5months 5days pregnant today, and my due date is December 28th 2010. I believe the start of my pregnancy falls around the same time of this whole crazy ordeal and I have no idea who could be the father. I have never been one to have a regular menstrual cycle, so I never really kept track. Please, can someone help me figure out the possibility of who the father is. I came clean to my boyfriend and even though he is completely heartbroken, he claims he will stand by me no matter what. I am blessed to be having identical twin girls. I can only pray that they are my boyfriend's. Please help. - Karen

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A female reader, preggo United States +, writes (22 August 2010):

I have made the biggest mistake of my life!! I am a african american female currently engaged to a white male. We have been together for about a year and he has no children. when we had met he had an exgirlfriend who became pregnant when they had broke up but was still messing around she became pregnant and when the baby was born he came out not to be his the baby was black. It crushed his soul and by me having a child already he treats her as if she's his but its not the same as having your own. I was on birthcontrol at 1st but I had decided to have it removed so we could work on adding an addition to our family because he wants a baby so bad. About 3 mos later she starts playing on my phone texting him sweet nothings and things started seeming funny he was still seeing this girl and after she hurt him. I was crushed I had been there done that in past relationships and he was just like the rest so I put my guard up and my trust wasn't the same. We tried to work on things but I started to not be so into his as much how could I he's been cheating on me that's when I met a guy friend who took my mind off of all that and I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but we endend up talking for a little while. we ended up messing around right after I went off my mentral in july the condom happen to break and he had already came I didn't come on in august but was cramping and figured I still had time before the end of the month so I decided to take a pregnancy test and shocked the hell out of me it was positive. The thing about that though is me and my fiance had sex about a week later and we don't use protection. So now I don't know who's baby it could be and what makes things even worse it that guy I cheated with is black so it would be nothing but a rerun for him and that girl went through I'm like OMG!!! Something I could have prevented if wasn't trying to play pay back and I'm pretty sure its the other guys I mean let's do the math we have been trying to have a baby forever now and then I mess around and damn I'm pregnant I don't even know how to tell him he is probably gonna snap. I told the other guy and he's like whatever you want to do but really doesn't want the baby and I don't want to get an abortion and kill my baby maybe I will just take my babies and disappear. I really need some advise before I go crazy I wish this was a dream

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A male reader, mikeyesfan United States +, writes (17 February 2010):

My ex-girlfriend was pregnant last year had her baby Sep 9, 2009. And she was at the hospital not sure of her last period date or about having a baby before, which I know she had. Well, I got a DNA test do with Child Support Services since they do them for free. I was not the father it came out last month I spent all of last year buying things a crib, clothes, diapers, bibs, and milk. All this did is made me break up from her she lied to me about her period date she was planning on getting pregnant on a chart system on the web.

I think7 she wanted me to think it was my baby and not another mans. I heard she had her last baby from this same guy and it got taken away put up for adoption due to them showing up at the hospital drunk the baby was born premature was why they were there. Why do all these women want to cheat and cannot stay at home a little bored us guys do that not all men, but the good guys do there are cheating men too. I’m sure you good women think of them the same way a guy likes me thinks of you women cheating on them.

By the way what do you think I should do she has called up a lot these days? I take it this guy took off he is from Mexico with me not around helping with the baby or her anymore. Oh, and I will be seeing her tomorrow for dinner as a friend not dating do you think that is the right thing for me to do you women?

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A female reader, clairem United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2009):

i have to say i got in same situation me and partner tried for 2 years with nothing had one night stand in turkey got pregnant. turkish men very fertile. i lost the baby through miscarriage. you have to do this on ownno one can decide for u xxx good luck let meknowhow u get on xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009):

lord have mercy on us. i know the posts on this site are old but i bumped into them while i was searching on the net like most of you and i would like to share the shame and the burden i have. there is not a day that goes by that i wish i was dead but nothing can take the pain of what i did away. as i read and am in shock i also did the unlawfully thing of cheating on my husbund. me and him had been trying for a baby for a few months and with the demons in me i had to go and cheat on him god help me.with this other man i did use protection but after ejaculation he took his condom off and went back inside me and i dont know why i did not stop him. this guy whom i cheated with is happily married and he does this thing a lot with different women and to my shame i happen to be one of them. i feel disgusted and in shame but the first thing i did was have some tests done to see if i had caught anything and when i got the results back my heart was in relief. a month and a half after this i found out that i was pregnant and was so overwhelmed with joy as i thought i could not have kids. as time passed on i was happy to tell my family and my husbunds family and by god they were all so overjoyed. i wfelt like the luckiest woman in the world and forgeting that i had a fling but thought it not possible to be this other mans child. i had my scans aand was so excited six months went by with no wotty in me but as a sudden feeling it dawned on me about how happy i am and that something could go wrong. as i calculated my dates from the due date it points out exacly to the day that its this animals baby and god do i spend sleepless nights and time on the computer just trying to find out how these scans work. as time went on my husband was the most happiest man id seen in a long time and i thought it right to be honest with him and suffer the consequences before this child is born.i had to tell the truth and so i did it was eating away at me and i know most people will say that i made the wrong decision in telling him but this was my decision and i had to tell him. i still did not feel relief after this although shockingly my husbund was there for me and said there is a child coming into this world and i am the farther. he said he will satnd by me no matter what and as we both realised by the scan date pointing at the other twat as the farther that it would not matter nd raise the baby as one. i am eternally greatfull with what god has given me a chance to bring life into this world and i shall cherish this forever.i will definately be back on this site to check on any new things and when the baby arrives i shall let you all know. may god forgive all our sins and im happy to have found people to tell my story to. i pray for all of you and all who are cast into temptation. i shall keep you posted on my news and you all take care.

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A female reader, scared but honest United States +, writes (15 July 2009):

I am in a relationship my boyfriend is in the Marines we are in engaged I got lonely alot I cheated on him a week before I went to see him A month later I took a pregnant test it was positive Im three months pregnant I was so overwhelmed with guilt and wasnt sure if the babys was his so I had to tell him the truth that I cheated I feel so relieved he forgave me and we are working through it but in my heart I believe the baby is his sometimes you know you are just overwhelmed with guilt you probley know just 100 percent guilty so my answer is tell the truth cause in the end it will come out,I dont think I could live eveyday of my pregnancy feeling guilty you will feel so much better.

goodluck do the right thing be honest

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009):

Wow...

I had absolutely no idea just how common this issue is, or how many people are going through the same exact thing! Its like you try so hard with the one u love, who loves u, to have a baby and then the first time u go out and cheat, its like god is showing you you've made a huge mistake, putting this huge question mark over your head. My situation is slightly different bc im the type of person who goes crazy not being honest,it eats and picks away at me, till i just cant do it. Im 21, been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs we were once engaged, and had unprotected sex consistantly throughout the two years, aside from 7 months he was away. We both love kids, and were trying to have one, but ive never been pregnant, and never got pregnant from him. Shit happened, we broke up, i was angry traumatised and upset, and believed we were over and slept with someone else the first of December. I was upfront on the 4th about it, to my ex, confessed and we decided to work it out and get back together. No worries, I never would have thought i was pregnant. THroughout the month of dec 4- and so on, we had sex like rabbits, lol i mean JUST ALOT....and i get really sick around christmas and on new years eve take a preg test and find out im pregnant. WOW.... the biggest blessing, and i cant even enjoy it. I told my bf everything, kept him one hundred percent in the light, and we were depending on the dates of my blood test to determine if he should be worried/angry at me, or just happy. THe results say I am 5 weeks preg as of Jan 6, which is 3 weeks since conception, leading the date of dec 16 or around there the day i got preg. Sounds perfect, because after the 2nd he was the ONLY person i had sex with. My only problem is, last month my period was so irregular, so its hard for me to pinpoint when i was ovulating. I had it on and off, from oct 15 to nov 17...and this was the first time in my life my period hasnt been perfectly normal. Its weird how your body sends u signs, it was like warning me, shit youre going thru some changes....I hate myself everyday, and although my boyfriend is being somewhat supportive...although so moody and tempermental with me, which i completely understand, i recommend being honest is the best policy. Really though, this is A SITUATION THAT YOU CANT BE SELFISH IN, ITS 3 PEOPLES LIVES. And being honest, might have some good karma, but you never know. Im considering abortion, but i dont agree with it, it brings tears to my eyes, even thinking i could be possibly killing me and the love of my life's child. One lesson ive learned from this is to let yourself heal from a relationship, and it only takes one time, and now something so beautiful, will not be as beautiful, and its just terrible. God bless all the ladies/ men who are in situations liek this, and I pray for all of us, that it turns out on our side. Its just, i think why never before, why did my bf never get me preg bf and all of a sudden BAM, i am, so HOW CAN IT BE HIS? i JUST WANT TO KNOW IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW ACCURATE THE ULTRASOUNDS ARE, BECAUSE IF THE ULTRA SOUND CONCEPTION, AND PREG DATE ARE THE SAME AS THE BLOODWORK, I HAVE A GREAT CHANCE, but is it selfish of me to not want to keep a kid that isnt with the person i love??? god bless u all xoxoxo

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008):

i have the same problem im so scared i dont know what to do help please? i finished with my boyfriend for a week on the 19th of july 08 and slept with a friend on the 22nd then on the 25th my boyfriend and i got back together. i took a test a few weeks after and it was possitive i went for a scan and they said i was 7 weeks and 3 days. counting back its only four days apart and im scared incase the scan was wrong im really lost and dont want to tell anyone i cant believe this happened to me. i so know what your going through and hope we both turn out okay

PLEASE GOD XXX

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A male reader, patmungai Kenya +, writes (26 July 2008):

This is a really difficult situation and proffessional counsellers and pastors are best suited with the know how and advice,but truth is always the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008):

Hi, I realise this original post was a long time ago but I had to add my thoughts. I'm totally in the same situation. I started seeing my partner after a long term relationship but had a fling with a doorman at the nightblub I worked at. I have never done anything like this previously but really felt a bond with this lad and deep down still felt like I deserved some fun after a traumatic previous relationship. It was only a few sexual encounters over 3wks before he left the country and I stupidly thought that I wouldn't get pregnant after almost a year of not being on my pill and sleeping with my partner before my fling. Totally niave I know!

As with several of the stories above, the difference in a couple of weeks date-wise with my baby, is crucial but impossible to answer. I am 4mths pregnant now.

My partner brought me a test and I had no choice but to do it with him present. He was so excited but my heart did stop when it came up positive! I have wanted a child for years but did consider a termination. It wasn't an option once my partner knew cuz he was so excited and there would've been no valid reason for a termination in his eyes.

I have made the decision to keep the truth to myself but that doesn't stop the overwhelming guilt I feel everyday and doesn't stop me having days like today where I feel like scum for having this secret. I'm not willing to risk my (now solid, serious and lovely) relationship by disclosing information to my partner that may never need to be disclosed.

Today has one of many days of panic and tears. Re-checking dates and just praying that the baby is my boyfiends. I am considering doing a secret DNA test once the baby's born, just so I know for sure. The problem is that the lad I had the fling with is dark ginger (skin head when I was with him) and my partner and I are blonde so it may be obvious to me as soon as the baby is born but I can't change things now.

I will regret my lack of loyalty for the rest of my life but we all make errors in judgement and nobody is perfect. It's a mistake I will never make again though.

I hope it is my boyfriends and it upsets me at the thought of looking at the baby and seeing my fling's features. I want my boyfriend to look at the child and see his features there but all I can do is pray and think positive that even if the baby is not his, that he never suspects a thing.

I totally agree with being up front in a relationship but we all know it's not that cut and dry in certain situations and I think it's very bad for anyone to pass judgement on people who have just made a mistake. Yes people have opinions, but people also have feelings and sometimes just need support and understanding.

I wish everyone well and will keep my fingers crossed for everyone. Your future is what you make of it....never forget that. xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008):

Hi, Ive been married for 3 years nearly and have been with my husband for 6 years, i recently found out that my husband had a one night stand with some women a year into knowing me and she had a baby, this lady has only just came out the wood works and it was a heartbreaker because I thought i knew him. Its really tore me apart because of how it came out and that he done it in the first place and no matter how much he regrets it, it ent good at all. You have to tell your husband and no matter how he takes it it is better he knows rather than having a baby which looks mediterranian. Its gonna hurt him and it would hurt you if the boot was on the other foot but if it is meant to be it is meant to be, I havent left my husband for the mear fact that i am pregnant with my third child with him and I do still love him but I just ent ready to forgive him and he will have to work for that shit. We can all give you advice on this but in the long run it is down to you but you cant keep it from him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008):

My wife has cheated on me, and it was within two weeks of when we last had sex. The doctor's say that judging by her cervix it "should" be around the time we were together. However, when she was with the other person, the condom broke. I was trying to make a broken marriage work and she had obviously given up a long time ago as this was the seventh time she had cheated on me. Why do I not have a right to not have to deal with this situation, when a woman in my condition could have an abortion and any sane person would feel like she had done the right thing for herself. I have been abused both physically, verbally, and emotionally in this relationship and yet she has the ability to make it continue for the rest of my life, all because I was trying to do the right thing and keep my wife, whom I loved. I think that you are blessed to have the option to stop this whole process, go back to the man you love and never have to hurt him with the knowledge of what you have done. I am not so blessed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008):

I completely understand what you are going through because I too do not know whether my pregnancy is from my fiancee or the guy I cheated on him with. Since you began this post in 2005 Id love to know your outcome of the situation. I am considering abortion. My fiancee is thrilled but I am scared it isnt his. I got a ultra sound and it is pinpoint to be the guy I had cheated with. I keep hoping that it isn accurate because I slept with them 1 week apart.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

Hello,

You'll need to tell him the truth. Either way, some day he will find out, whether this baby is his or not. You might want to have the help of a pastor, or counselor with you. Also, the 2 of you have only been together for 7 months and already trying to have a baby? Are you really ready for a child? While having a baby is wonderful when you are totally ready for it, if you aren't it can be a mixed blessing filled with responsibility, hard work, and it takes time, love, caring, nurturing, and even money.

Be careful if you believe your boyfriend might get really mad. Some guys become balistic at a time like this, and you don't need to get hurt! That's why having someone to help you can be a better option.

If by some chance, you decide to give the baby up for adoption, e-mail me at [email address blocked]. I just adopted a baby boy, and while I'm having the time of my life, I'm 41, was totally ready for it, and have his father to help me 1000% of the way. Trust the ultrasound results to determine the age of the baby now, and take into consideration if you have a family history of diabetes, or if you yourself are diabetic, or overweight (any of these can cause the baby to be larger than what it should be).

Good luck with everything, and remember also, some guys are forgiving, and some aren't. Is it fair to bring a child into this world with a "father" that resents it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008):

you ladies are down right disgusting. you sound like trailer trash! i think that you should all tell your baby-daddies the truth, and whatever reaction you get, you deserve. if not worse. there is NEVER a good excuse for why you cheated on your man. EVER. cheaters are the scum of the earth, and i cant imagine any of you women as being fit parents.

anyone with a GED would know that you could just get a paternity test, and take some hair from your man's brush. It's that simple.

education, anyone?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007):

After reading this, I am definitely suspecting my wife cheated on me. I had a successful vasectomy 9 years ago after my daughter was born. I have been married to my current wife for 7 years, and up until now, we've had no pregnancies. I have taken 2 home male fertility tests and they have both come back negative. I have an appointment to have sperm count done. If that comes back negative, I will have some knowledge, but I will wait until the child is born to have a DNA test done in secret.

The time period the doctor gave us for time of conception puts us back around the time I knew she had gone out (I was having to do some after hours work from the house as I am in IT) and she went to have drinks with her boss. She said she would be home by 9pm. I called her several times, with no answer. She came home with her hair and makeup messed up, and I commented accordingly. Then a fight ensued. She started the "yeah I was out f***ing this guy with a big old d**k". etc., etc. We had our normal, angry make up sex a couple of days later. In a conversation later that day she was saying that her sister was there (her sister lives next door and got home considerably earlier than 2am). I was walking my dog when her sister got home.

That last piece of information is important, since I witnessed my wife's sister cheating on her husband several times while he was in Iraq. My wife's reply was "we don't know their situation". I replied "what situation calls for a woman to cheat on her husband?"

I've always known women to be secretive creatures, but you all on this page are downright deceitful and evil. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007):

OMG i know excatly how you feel.. i was in the same postion, but kind of different me & my boyfriend for 2 years was trying to have a baby when i was 17..very young i know we tried for 6 months nothing happended we broke up and me and my new boyfriend got very drunk and we didnt use a any protection about 2 months later i found out i was pregnant 2 months and 5 weeks pregnant i thought i was pregnant by my new boyfriend i was so scared but come to find out it wasnt his, i told the doctor the whole truth i felt like horrible ecp. at 17 I wasn't happy but i was happy it was my boyfriend from 2 years i missed him and loved him so much. But i lost my son at 5 months from a still birth. Hunny don't be worried you will figure out everything i got faith in you, all my girlfriends had faith in me and everything worked out good. God Bless you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007):

Hi

I can totally understand how you feel. I had been completely faithful to my partner for 7 years and really, put everything into the relationship. He started to become a bit distant, going out with his pals all the time,going to lap dancing clubs etc. I started to feel rejected,unattractive and thought we were headed for a split.We did almost split up and during this time someone paid me attention which was desperatly lacking in my relationship. I got drunk and one thing led to another, he told me he had a vasectomy and dont THINK he got to the ejaculation stage as I kept stopping him. I took a peiod a few days later and another one the following month then found out I was pregnant. I spoke to my doc who said it was unlikely it was this other guys but avised me to come clean I sooo couldnt although Ive been consummed with guilt, main reason being, my partner and I had a stillborn baby a few years ago and he has dreamed of the day we would have another baby, so I cant do this to him. We had counselling this year before I became pregnant and our relationship has been amazing ever since. I am due in 11 wks and feel like I am abot to explode with guilt and worry.

Any suggestions? I really wish you well and hope you have your bf baby its a mistake never to be made again eh?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007):

me and my husband had been tryingfor a baby for 5 years and never got pregnaNT one night i went out and seen one of my good male friends we got drunk and slept toghether a few weeks later i found outim pregnant i dont want to tell my husband he is so excited to be a dad but this is all i think about

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007):

Im going through the same thing you are and I totally understand wht your going through...I thought my boyfriend was cheating so I wet out and did the same thing it was only once ut now that one time could end up runing my life. I want it to be my boyfriends baby so we can just continue on being happy yet, if it isnt im going to be crushed. Im just as worried as you are. My best advice is to keep it quiet men never forgive or forget!! and the last thing you need is to be stressed even more. Once the baby comes I plan on taking the other guy for a DNA test and seeing the outcome and im prayig that it will say he isnt. Maybe you can do th same and hopefully both of us will get what we want.

GOOD LUCK!! I honestly wish you the best and I'll be praying for you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007):

Hi,

I read your dilemma. The answer is very short and straight.U should go ahead with the baby. It is not the baby's fault that she is there. Forget the guilt and make yourself believe that the baby is from a person you love. I am in a same condition but my problem was that I couldnt get married to the person I loved so much, due to family problems. All I then wanted was a baby from him. I just found out a few hours back that I am pregnant and I made myself believe it was his, and I am going to have her for my life.

It is all in the mind. It is not cheating but my belief is that women are nature's creation and they have the right to be a mother. It is upto the father's fate to be a father.

I apologize if I offended you with my answer here, but please understand it is my personal opinion. If no one favours you, I will... someone unknown to you. And please do not revela anything to your boyfriend. Men cant handle truth sometimes, however much they love you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007):

not to be raw love but if u are going to cheat on your b/f at least use a condom just be thankful u aint got an std my advice is go doctors and get yourself checked out before you give something to your b/f

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007):

Hi Bex,

First of all do you want this baby? one way of dealing with it is to just have an abortion but judging by the way you want a baby then it could destroy you if you ever did that. I have done it and god forbid the same feelings happen to you. It doesnt feel good! It destroyed me and there isnt a day when i dont think about what i have done. Think things through. there is this option and then you dont have to tell your bf anything and try to move on and forget that the "one night stand" happened.

I havent been in your situation personally but aI have been in your bf's situation. My bf cheated on me with my best friend after they had a bit of a fling behind my back. she got pregnant and i only found out a few months AFTER the baby was born. The baby is his because he looks just like him. I know how it feels to let this situation get out of control and how your bf will feel if he finds out afterwards. it will destroy him as it did me. you need to tell your bf and come clean about the whole thing. explain to him that it was a mistake, It was one night & it meant nothing! He is all that matters and you love him more than anything & want to be with him and mean it from the bottom of your heart! I know You wish it never happened but It has happened. You will learn from your mistakes & If you are truley sorry you will never do it again. this guy will find it hard trusting you if you stay together and you will have to work your butt off to rebuild your trust again as it did me, & it may not seem like the thing to do now but if you dont im afraid you will regret it later on. Your bf deserves better than this and if you love him you will tell him the truth! it's not fair to let him bring up a baby that is not genetically his without his awareness & consent. That is disrespectful! Have a bit of decency and let the guy choose his own path. If he truley loves you and realises that this is the mistake that you say it is then you may stay together and get through it as me and my bf have. That way you have nothing holding you back...no secrets! it's so much easier trust me.

Good luck I hope you sort things out, i really do.

Xxx

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A female reader, chirpychicken United Kingdom +, writes (13 April 2007):

chirpychicken agony auntHi Bex,

I havent been in your situation personally but aI have been in your bf's situation. My bf cheated on me with my best friend after they had a bit of a fling behind my back. she got pregnant and i only found out a few months AFTER the baby was born. The baby is his because he looks just like him. I know how it feels to let this situation get out of control and how your bf will feel if he finds out afterwards. it will destroy him as it did me. you need to tell your bf and come clean about the whole thing. explain to him that it was a mistake, It was one night & it meant nothing! He is all that matters and you love him more than anything & want to be with him and mean it from the bottom of your heart! I know You wish it never happened but It has happened. You will learn from your mistakes & If you are truley sorry you will never do it again. this guy will find it hard trusting you if you stay together and you will have to work your butt off to rebuild your trust again as it did me, & it may not seem like the thing to do now but if you dont im afraid you will regret it later on. Your bf deserves better than this and if you love him you will tell him the truth! it's not fair to let him bring up a baby that is not genetically his without his awareness & consent. That is disrespectful! Have a bit of decency and let the guy choose his own path. If he truley loves you and realises that this is the mistake that you say it is then you may stay together and get through it as me and my bf have. That way you have nothing holding you back...no secrets! it's so much easier trust me.

Good luck I hope you sort things out, i really do.

Xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006):

I understand your fears completly. I have never been one to do something so terrible as cheat on the one I love, until a few months ago. I play it back what should have happened, why it didn't, what to do now. My husband and I have been together for X amount of years and have an X amount of year old. We had been having some problems and whatnot and I went out drank one thing led to another and bam the one night stand. I knew the guy but have nothing to do with him now. I don't want to hurt my husband, it would just kill him if he knew. well as for the conception date it is right on for the one nighter but i stoped it before climax and a condom was used. I am terrified to think that this could be the one nighters child. I don't know what to do at all. I had an abortion when I was younger told myself I would never do that again, and I won't. I have dreams that I have a baby that looks nothing like my child that I now have. I am so lost and scared and I just needed to get it off my chest.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006):

Hi,

I always believe that honesty is the best policy. Take your boyfriend somewhere where you can talk uninterrupted and tell him the truth. If your relationship is meant to last then you guys will get through this. I dont believe that you should have an abortion either. I wish you the best of luck...

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (16 May 2006):

willywombat agony auntThere are other issues here. Yes your baby could have a genetic make up that makes it obvious it is not your current BF. Unfortunately the only way of really knowing who the father is now is to have a DNA test when the child is born.

Odd things can happen with a mixed gene pool, my grandmother is Chinese - but I am lily white, scandinavian looking, yet one of my brothers looks definately Asian! We all have the same parentage. My son has ginger hair, but I am blonde and his dad has dark brown/black hair.....it's the luck of the draw!

i would come clean and talk to you BF. And ask for his forgiveness and then decide what to do.

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A female reader, bonym United Kingdom +, writes (16 May 2006):

bonym agony auntAlso Bex, I would NOT recommend an abortion before telling your partner. Coming clean now I believe is best because a relationshipis built on TRUST. All the best. xXx

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A female reader, bonym United Kingdom +, writes (16 May 2006):

bonym agony auntDear Bex, the baby wont necessarily be darker if he is mixed race of white and Turkish. My aunty is FULL black and she is the same skin colour as Angelina Jolie!!! Skin tone depends entirely on God, your baby may be dark even if it is your white boyfriends or if it is the Turkish guy, he may even still be white skinned. My dear, either way, come clean, be honest, dont lie to your boyfriend. Confess your mistake and then you will need a paternity test. I just hope the baby is your fella's. Take care. xXx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2006):

Hello, I am going through the same thing right now that is actually how I found this website. I know that everyone is giving you there advise but it would be so much easier if you knew for sure who the baby belonged to. I cheated on my boyfriend of 3years with the guy who took my virginaty. I think that I did it because I thought I was still in love with him and I needed to find out (i'm not by the way) but the guy i cheated with I half black and my boyfriend is white. we have been trying for 6 months to get pregnent then as soon as I cheat BAM i end up pregnant. I am now only 5 weeks and I am a nervous wreck. my boyfreind is so happy is already buying baby stuff and it breaks my heart that the baby growing inside of me that we both wanted so badly may not even belong to the man that I love. I am so scared so I know what you going through. I am not going to try to give you advise only let you know you are not alone. my thoughts and prayers are with you i know we both made BIG mistakes but everyone deserves a second chance and would appreaciate it if I could recieve a few prayers of my own (not that i deserve them) GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING GOD BLESS

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2006):

congratulations on the baby get a blood test

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2006):

He sure CAN TELL.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2006):

have you heard of condoms? They're really useful

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2005):

im sort of going through the same thing except they are both white im not with my boyfriend anymore and had sex with someone else when we werent together but then we got together sort of a casual thing and i found out i was pregnant i dont know who the father is and i feel so cheap, ive done nothing like this before. wait till you have your scan and you will be told exactly how far your gone, then decide whether or not its worth being honest

xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2005):

Hi, Its Rebecca, glad to hear things are working out with you and your boyfriend now. I'm just worried because me nd my boyfriend having been rying for over a year and nothing has happened. All of a sudden i sleep with someone else and i'm pregnant straight away. I cant hlp but worry. He knows i'm pregnant. He keeps saying, jokingly, if it comes out darker i know its a Turk. I laugh but i know for a fact that when it comes to the day to give birth i will be petrified, not of giving birth, but of woried that the baby may be darker. I just really wish the baby is his. We've got a great future together. I was even thinking the other day of drinking myself stupid to try and kill the baby, i know its evil but i dont think i can take anymore worry. I dont know what to do. Its going to play on my mind for the next 7 months. The midwife said that the scan isnt that accurate and 2 weeks makes a difference for me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2005):

hello, i know exactly what ur going through. i cheated on my boyfriend 2 summers ago, just the once and got pregnant, it was awful, not knowing who the dad is and sumbody found out and spread it around the town i live in, iv only ever slept with 2 people my whole life! how unlucky was i?, this all seems really big to you rite now but if u stress u could lose ur baby! luckily the guy i cheated with wasnt the dad and me and my partner have sorted things out and we have a 14 month old child, wait and see, things will work out 4 u x

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A reader, Tulsha +, writes (15 June 2005):

Hi, its Rebecca again. Thank you all so much for your advice. I phoned the midwife today anonymously and asked her if i could have a scan earlier than 12 weeks gone. i also explained why but she said that the scan isnt always dead on, there could be a difference of up to two weeks. Ive been booked in to have a scan in 4 weeks time. i hope this helps rest my mind. I'm so stupid. ive learnt from my lesson though. Ive just been looking at the pictures of the boy from Turkey on his website though and he doesnt look that dark. I know its not fair but i'm not going to tell my boyfriend. i will see what happens down the line. I really hope this baby is his.

Thank you for everything. If you have any more advice please let me know.

Rebecca xxx

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (15 June 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntRe-read Rebecca Batchelor's answer - it's very good and thoughtful.

There isn't any sure-fire way to tell if your baby is going to be dark-skinned or not, simply because you're not dealing only with your genes, your boyfriend's genes and those of the Turkish boy. Everybody has ancestors, and that ancestral DNA gets a say in the appearance of the baby too. Your baby could inherit darker skin from someone's relative a few generations back, but still be biologically your boyfriend's.

For a personal example, both my parents are Anglo-Saxon and could hardly be whiter, but my dad had a Native American grandmother and I actually resemble great-grandma more than either parent!

Statistically speaking, if the Turk is your baby's father, there's a good chance that the baby will be darker than you (assuming you're pinky-white) and lighter than the father, a sort of blend of white and brown. But, as Rebecca B pointed out, even if the baby's skin tone is quite light, her or she may not look like your boyfriend. Only a DNA test can tell for sure.

Your best bet right now is to decide whether you want to raise a child - regardless of who the father is. Other options might include a termination, adoption to a couple unrelated to you or adoption within your family (to a sister, etc). If you decide to have the child, you then need to do your utmost to calculate how many weeks pregnant you are, so you can try to eliminate one of the men as the father.

Wish I could help you more, but until you have some DNA samples from all the parties involved, there aren't any hard answers to give you.

Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2005):

Hi, its Rebecca, I really dont want to tell him. I need someone to tell me whether the baby will come out darker in colour. We are both white but both have dark hair as did the Turkish boy. I'm really worried now. Please help me!?!?!?!

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (14 June 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntOkay, lets begin by asking you firstly, do you want a baby-forget for the moment that you aren't sure whose it may be? Answer that question first in your mind because if you do want a child (you were planning one prior to this) then you may be able to rule out an abortion.

I know how difficult this is for you. You have made a big mistake, hopefully one you won't repeat. It shouldn't have happened but it has, so now you need to try and deal with the consequences.

The next thing to do is really establish exactly how many weeks you are. Work out some dates for yourself. Calculate when you slept with the turkish boy and the last time you slept with your boyfriend. You can probably only estimate this yourself so you will need to return to your doctor to find out again how many weeks you are. Obviously, the further the pregnancy progresses, the easier it will be to tell. Normally the nurse will ask you the date of your last period so try to remember this too. They can examine you thoroughly to get a more definite idea. You can have a scan which will also tell you how far gone you are (an internal scan) and this is accurate.

If after all these procedures you discover that the baby is your boyfriends then it is up to you whether you tell him about your fling but you probably will feel it unwise and perhaps it is on this occasion. However, you need to examine why you were unfaithful and work out whether there is a chance you would do it again as this obviously wouldn't be fair on your boyfriend. You will need to work on your relationship to make it secure for you and your baby, if this is what you really want.

If the boy was Turkish, then there is a possibility that if the baby is his, he or she will have some of the father's characteristics such as skin colour, hair colour, etc. Even if the baby was white, your boyfriend could still notice that he or she didn't resemble him visually. This would mean then that you would perhaps have to consider admitting to the fling. Having an abortion because the baby isn't your boyfriends and he may leave you as a result, is only a decision you can come to. Women have abortions for a variety of reasons but mostly because they aren't able to cope with having a child or their circumstances would make it impossible for them to bring up the child. Obviously, it isn't a decision to be taken lightly and can lead to regrets and remorse later with certain women who may have felt as if they had no choice but feel terribly guilty for doing so.

You do need to establish firstly if the child is your boyfriends before you do anything else. You could visit a pregnancy advisory clinic who may be able to help you.

Once you know whose the baby's father is can you go the next step. There is every chance that the baby is your partners but you need to be sure.

Once you know this, take it from there.

I hope this helps.

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A reader, Groove +, writes (14 June 2005):

I've thought about this one before, having almost done the same thing. In my case (and only you know how your partner would react) the only thing I could do (as abortion would not be an option for me) would be to finish with him as quickly as possible without telling him I was pregnant. Once you have cheated you are best off out of the relationship anyway, in most cases. He will soon find out that you are pregnant, will immediately assume it is his, but when he finds out it might be someone elses' he won't a) be anywhere near as angry with you if you aren't his girlfriend - partly because you aren't leaving him with the horrible burden of what to do about it; and

b) have the dilemma and pain of having to think about what to do.

Either he will run a mile from you (in which case, I suggest he isn't the man for you), or the scale of the issue will have him wanting you to take him back - in case the child is his - rather than being mad.

Once the baby is born you will have talked through the issues of it being or not being his.

It is hardly fair to him to put him in the situation of asking him, as his girlfriend, to forgive you for both playing away, and to take on a baby that may not be his.

For your own sake, his sake, and the baby's sake, please do NOT lie to him about it - you will NEVER EVER live it down and will always live with the worry that he will find out (it's easy enough to do). And it's much better you suffer a break-up during a pregnancy than the mental anguish of wondering what to do about it. From a medical point of view, this has to do harm to both you and the baby.

If you decide to terminate - remember this has its consequences too. You have still cheated, and you must seek proper counselling for this too, preferably when you are outside of the relationship. If you ever split with your partner, you may feel a lot of guilt that his presence was a big factor in you deciding to terminate. And if you don't split, but terminate the pregnancy - you may find you start to resent him.

I hope this helps. Hard advice, I know - but under the circumstances I can't think what else I could do. Best wishes.

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