A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is a self admitted alcoholic. 3 years into our relationship I saw it as a problem, and in year 4, after hidden booze and many booze-induced fights she finally admitted to it. After the initial phase of a breakup in year 4, she promised she would stop drinking at home alone, and stop buying the wine mini-bottles. During that year I continued to find her hidden stashes, and could tell when she would drink. She would continue to defend herself, or deflect the issue to something else to avoid it. There were times she would even come home staggering drunk because she could never have "just one" and would pick a fight. Finally during year 5 she has started therapy and promised again she wouldn't drink. Well 3 weeks ago she was drinking her mini bottles with a friend (who always has been an enabler), and got into a car accident. I also just found out the other day she had lied to me initially how much she drank that night. After so many years of lies and empty promises, is there any hope or reason to believe that she is finally going to stop now? I feel bad giving up because of her upbringing (physically, emotionally and sexually abused). I have supported her and believed in her for so long that I think the I've lost all my trust in her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): "After so many years of lies and empty promises, is there any hope or reason to believe that she is finally going to stop now?" In my opinion the answer is no.
You say her friend is an enabler but the real enabler is you. By sticking around, giving her chance after chance she gets to fail without any negative consequences. She constantly breaks promises, she puts herself in the position where she'll drink again time and again, frankly OP this girl is just fails at life.
Now she must have some positive attributes if you're willing to stick around for 5 years but unless you want to constantly fight this battle for the rest of your life then you have to consider your own well being and your future.
Nothing works with this woman, you've been fighting this battle years now and she always returns to square one.
"I feel bad giving up because of her upbringing (physically, emotionally and sexually abused)." Don't feel bad about that, you didn't do that stuff and it's not your responsibility to fix it and you shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of that either.
OP I've dated girls with similar histories. I've dated both the type that learned to cope with their past and were able to function well in a relationship and I've dated the girls like yours who never truly dealt with those issues and turned to promiscuity, alcohol or drugs to escape life. Constantly running away from their past instead of dealing with it. Going through their lives with reckless abandon numb to the consequences because they never learned to cope with what happened.
OP staying with someone out of pity is not a good basis for a relationship, you need a partner not a co-dependent. Is this really the kind of future you want, is this really the type of girl you can see yourself marrying? Because honestly OP if she was to actually get better even if she started now it's going to be years, a hell of a long time before she reaches the stage where she's changed. If she's the same age as you then that's minimum 20-25 years she's been like this, changing the attitude and personality of a life that long takes ages and sometimes it just never happens.
OP you can't change her, she will never be the woman you wish she was no matter how long you wait.
Sit down and have a long hard think about what you want in life, about where you see yourself in another five years. Do you see marriage, kids, a family? Do you think she's a suitable partner for that kind of thing?
As I said earlier OP the real enabler is you. You're her rock, you're the person that is always her fallback the only way she'll ever deal with her issues it to it alone. Time you took a break to reconsider your life and let her see that you've had enough of this. Maybe in the distant future you can get back together if she can prove that she is getting help and is learning to deal with life properly but I wouldn't hold my breath.
You cannot trust someone who can't trust themselves. She's a lost cause OP and it's up to you to decide whether you want to be dragged down with her. The next drinking incident may be far more serious.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (12 June 2011):
 Hi,You mentioned that besides the alcohol issue, she also have personal past issues that have affected her as a person, maybe the past is the reason why she turns to alcohol? Make sense, and easy to understand your gfs behavior. You've been together 5 years and that's a long time and you know your gf well. I believe that when your gf make promises to you in the past she meant well. I am sure, she really wants to stop drinking, honor her promise to you, but maybe she need help? She cannot do alone? You said her friend is a enabler? Worst...is harder for your gf to stop, specially around friends that don't care about her health. Alcoholism is a serious problem. Sometimes, its a matter of life and death. Not only affects you physically, my mentally. Maybe, they feel good while driving, but after that will only make them more sad and more sick, leaving them feeling worst. I know you love your gf very much. Its hard to accept or say no. You want her to be happy, so even though you know is wrong and bad for her you just let her be. If you really love your gf its time for real, serious decisions, don't let it go another year. You have to do for her own life. Thank God, car accident nobody got seriously injured, God forbid, but who knows next time? You have to do this for her...If you cannot do together, you may want to seek professional help? I know its hard, but you have to be strong for herGood luck
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 An alcoholic cant just "stop" drinking. And they cant promise that they will ever drink again.
When you do the 10 step program with AA, the first step is admitting that you have an adiction and it has full power over you, the same with gambleing etc..
A person who has been throught the program successfully will never promise that they wont drink or gamble again.
She needs to get herself to rehab, and on an AA prgram. She will not become a non drinker just by herself, she needs a mentor who has been in her position before and to be surrounded by people who know what shes going through.
Some CBT therapy for her past may be a good idea too.
I hope this helps x
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 Best example of alcohol addiction was the show Rescue Me
But it's up to the addict to seek help, though intervention can often help. Don't loose trust in her or yourself.
Relapse is almost inevitable. Read the book Co-dependent no more, for you. Best book out there hands down. You do have to surrender to her addiction, meaning all the words and begging and hating will do no good. Read, research, and make your choices in calm understanding.
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