A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Nearly three years ago I was raped, so I have never had sex other than that one time. I have started a relationship with someone and I like him and he respects me, but I don't want to have sex. Do other women actually want sex after rape or do they just do it to move on? I cannot imagine enjoying sex; will I ever be able to return to normal?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): I think you should discuss this with your counselor or therapist. It doesn't even sound like you have told anyone of the crime that was committed against you. I don't feel that anybody on this message board can make that decision for you or advise you without knowing who you are as a person.
A
male
reader, Ayan Ganguly  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Well done that you have been able to stand up strong..you are an encouragement...i believe love and time can heal all wounds...don't worry you are strong enough to fight all adversities of life...things can only get better for you..god bless you,take care
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Yes, you can.
But, it can be very hard. My wife was abused and raped multiple times, long before I met her.
You must have a partner who is patient, willing, open, honest, and educable. You must educate yourself, to yourself, and your partner must educate themselves to you and themselves and your reactions.
She struggled with this, never wanted to tell. She never told me, her enjoyment of sex was quite limited, and I thought she didn't find me sexually attractive despite what I heard from others and nearly left her.
After nearly 20 years she came out of the closet on this, and began talking, but only when I was close to leaving because of the withdrawal. We immediately got into counseling. She began to feel more open, began to have orgasms within two weeks of beginning to open that door. With professional counseling help, over the last couple of years, she continues to enjoy sex like "normal" people do. However, some afternoons, memories or feelings come back and she just shuts down, withdraws, and I have to wait for her to come back.
This book helped us both understand. There are others, they may even be better.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
One thing I learned, I had to not approach her in certain ways, it triggered memories of molestation and rape.
...............................
A
female
reader, Beatriceandjohn +, writes (22 February 2012):
Look I like to say once u get raped u may move on but from my experience( was sexually abused,not raped at a very young age) I haven't been able to feel completely normal... Oh I do have sex but I have got loads of issues... Hope u find a way to cope... Loads of love
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Sex can be fun, very loving and very, very enjoyable. Dont let the act of a pathetic, cowardly little criminal, rob you of that experience. Take back what is rightfully yours ...YOUR body, YOUR sex life.
Yes, you can regain an interest in sex. Therapy or counselling will go a long away towards achieving that. So will prosecuting the criminal...I really hope you were able to do that, bless you x
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2012):
 It is very, very important for you to find happiness and love. It is best if you can recover your sexual feelings, either alone or with someone else. Therapy is the best way, but that's already been mentioned. You need to get back your power, feel in control of your body and emotions and gain back much of the things that were stolen from you. (sorry always want to swear when I talk about abusers)No hurry, you got the rest of your life. You can go slowly and yes, many women do recover, do have a successful sex life. It starts right here, you dating, you coming to Dear Cupid and asking questions. The sex drive isn't there right now, but I bet a while ago you wasn't as strong as you are now.Slowly, slowly, with help, from a boyfriend, from counsellors, from other women who have suffered too, or if you can't even do that, from asking questions, reading and searching for information on what you need to do... You got to believe in you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I am sorry that you were raped, I have also been raped in the past.
To answer your question, yes women who have been raped can want to have sex, and can enjoy sex too. For me I was terrified of sex, and I went to therapy to work on my issues from the traumatic experience of being raped, and it helped.
I can say that yes I do enjoy sex with the man I love. Rape is not about sex, it is all about power, nothing more. My suggestion to you is to find yourself a counselor that you feel comfortable with and work through what happened to you, it's not easy at all and I won't pretend that it is, but it is worth the hard work. You are a beautiful and special person and you deserve the best. Good Luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (20 February 2012):
I'm sure you will. As a guy who had a girlfriend who had been raped I can say that yes it can be just as great, in fact possibly even more meaningful because for a long time you may doubt that its even possible to enjoy a physical relationship. My girlfriend was raped by the manager of a hotel she worked and lived in when she was 16 and in a foreign country. She was too afraid to tell anyone and experience several weeks of absolute terror. We met up about 5 years after this and she had had a sexual relationship with one boyfriend but he treated her abusively. We were staying at a mutual friends, with seperate bedrooms when one morning we found ourselves alone in the flat in our pajamas she was sad and I just put an arm around her shoulders to comfort. It probably helped that I'm somewhat shy and in those days very slow to make any sexual advance. Had I known then about the rape I would have been completely freaked and probably wouldn't have touched her. At some point the hold became a caress and kissing and lying on the bed, then under the duvet and without really knowing how it all happened she was on top of me and we were having sex. I hardly moved and I was just amazed at the fantastic emotional time we had. I have never experienced anything quite like it and am sure I never will. It was a bit later that she told me about the rape, just that it happened, not details. We dated for some time after that and enjoyed a lot of sex, usually her on top and me pretty passive, she couldn't ever enjoy me on top unless it was completely dark so I am sure she had some flashbacks. I am sure that you also will really appreciate the love and safety you feel with your boyfriends arms around you just holding you, that you won't make any connection to the violent attack you suffered. Obviously you must tell him if you havent already, but don't let him ask you remember all the details, it will be a terrible memory for you and may fuel his imagination and cause anger and frustration in him that will upset you both. As others have said, make you boyfriend be passive and you move and touch how you like and just always think how good it feels and you will be fine. All the best :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This part is not advice really, I don't recommend this as any kind of solution but a distant ex had to be drunk before she would have sex. In the beginning anyway. Unfortunately in her case she also couldn't say no to guys while drunk and also became very promiscuous after her experience. To her it became a devalued and merely a defence mechanism; they couldn't rape her if she gave it to them, kind of thing. It took a long while and a lot of patience to snap her out of that and being able to feel comfortable and enjoy sex while sober. Other girls I know were damaged in other ways but sexually they were fine, I also know one girl who has never enjoyed it after she was raped but has learned to take part and enjoy pleasing her partner even if she herself feels nothing during the act.
In answer to your question; yes, women can want sex and enjoy it after rape.
"I cannot imagine enjoying sex; will I ever be able to return to normal?"
There's a slight flaw in your logic there OP. First off you "imagine", that's not a certainty and secondly there is no "normal" to return to in your case seeing as you have never actually made love nor had sex (I don't consider rape sex, sex is a mutual act to me). Besides when it comes to sex there is no such thing as normal.
Don't worry about it for now OP, this relationship has only started. You have plenty of time to figure things out and build a level of comfort with this guy where you may get to the a place where you will feel comfortable with sex. You just have to take it slowly and take baby steps.
Only when you've gotten to the point of complete trust and comfort will you know your comfort level on this issue. Don't get me wrong here now OP but you don't have to want to, to be comfortable with it and willing to do it you know. It definitely not the ideal of course but even if being okay with and willing to have sex means you can maintain healthy relationships.
I agree with the others too therapy and professional help may do you a lot of good if you find yourself at a sexual impasse further into this relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 Rape is a horrible crime.... and I so wish that the courts would let the victims castrate the perpretators with a dull, rusty butter knife!!! I hope that you can pick yourself up from this terrible experience and go on to a more placid (and, hopefully, normal) life....However... you do indicate that you are carrying substantial baggage from that rape....and who could blame you??? I suggest that you seek out a disinterested third party.... a counsellor, clergyman or other trusted professional... and unload this misery... and see if you can recover the "self" who you were in the past....SEX is a delightful and pleasant part of life's experiences. YOUR ability to partake of it has been hijacked by this miserable rapist.. and it will be so-good if you can get it back...Good luck.... those of us who've read your submittal wish that you can emerge from this even stronger and more loving than ever!!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It may seem right now that you'll NEVER want to have sex and you'll never enjoy it, but you will eventually.
When you have sex with someone you love, it is COMPLETELY and utterly different to what happened to you. You will feel loved and special, nothing like how you felt when that happened.
The thing is, you need to understand these things take time, and you need to give yourself more time to heal. If I was you I'd seek a therapist.
Does your boyfriend know about the incident? If he really loves you, he will understand you want to wait for sex. It's important for you to be with someone who you COMPLETELY 100% trust before you have sex with them.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2012):
 you were raped. that is not about sex it's about power... the fact that you consider it sex tells me that you probably would benefit from some counseling to help get over the terrible trauma that you were put through..
You did nothing wrong.
have you had counseling?
have you discussed with your partner that you were violated with rape? it will be important that you do so in any serious relationship...
I really think a rape crisis center can get you in touch with a counselor and or a support group to help you heal.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Am twenty three years old and I was sexucally abuse and raped by My own father x it was hard and I kept it to myself for years :( x I now with my first ever boyfreind after my abuser got found out and he killed himself x I told my bf what happened to me and I built trust with him before I slept with him for the first time I won't say it easy because it not but I trust my boyfreind so he helps me and works with me anf if I don't want to then we don't x but it not always easy but you can if u go get coucilling and help it will help and make sure you talk to you partner so they know and can understand say if u was to have flashbacks and good luck xxxx your a surviovur xxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 February 2012):
 I think you need to start first building up physical trust, as slowly as you need to. You need to know first and foremost that you can trust him absolutely not to do anything unless you want to. And also that his warmth and strength are only to protect and love you. You need a lot of time just lying next to him watching movies and cuddling up - a lot. And you could maybe let him do things like massage your back, etc. You need to sleep together all the time and get into the rhythm of his breathing, and his body - and then your body will automatically start to synch with his. There actually comes a point where quite separate to your thinking, your bodies just kind of work together like one.
When you reach this point of trust, most likely you will yourself feel like being closer to him. But I would say it needs to be you taking the lead, and you doing everything, to start with (and maybe for several months). He literally should just completely lie still and not do anything. Then you are totally in control. You need to bond with his body, and his energy. Given how you have been wounded and frightened, this can and will only take time, and a lot of patience. But you WILL get there. It just cannot be rushed.
...............................
A
female
reader, crummyscreenname +, writes (20 February 2012):
I'm sorry that happened to you! Hugs! My own experience has been that, for some women, they want LOTS of sex after, like they're trying to wipe out the memory with lots of new sex. Some women will (subconciously) deliberately put themselves in a similar situation and replay the rape over and over- like they get "stuck" in that experience, so they keep reliving it, or it becomes the only way they understand to have sex. Or some women will get into bondage and play-rape, and role play rape scenarios. Some women will roleplay that scenario, but then roleplay winning- being able to stop their attacker. They relive the situation, but are in control, and it helps them heal. And lots and lots of women don't want sex at all after. Some women stop finding men attractive and only want sex with women after. And there are 1 million other possible responses. They are all normal. Many women go on to have normal, healthy sex lives after such an experience. I don't know how you will be able to move on from what happened, but I am sure that it is possible. Is there anything less intimate that you can do with your partner, that feels safe or desirable? Like just touching, kissing, or cuddling? Would you feel more into it if you were on top, if you were the one in control?I'm not going to tell you to get counselling, because you already know that. But a support group with other women who are working through something similar might be helpful as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 February 2012):
 It will probably never be as easy for you as for a woman who wasn't raped, but with time and a good therapist you probably will be able to. Does your partner know about what happened? It will be incredibly important that you fully trust your partner before you even attempt anything. A lot of women find it helpful to have their partner ask before touching. I know it doesn't seem romantic to have to say "is it OK if I touch here?" every time, but it's much better than having a panic attack or not trusting your partner.
Many find it helpful to have their partner touch a non-sexual place (like the top of thigh near your knee or your shoulder) and to slide their hand to a sexual one, slowly, with your hand over his. Here's a good website that may help you with this and may help your partner:
http://bluegypsy.tripod.com/physical.html
...............................
|
