A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I posted a question with the title : Can a woman give herself completely to a new love, despite having had many lovers in her past?The question is copied below and the update below that, I realized that the issue is she does not make me feel like the one and only and that is why her exl-overs bother me, because i feel cheatedI am 31 years old and dating this girl (27 3rd year surgical residency) which I absolutely love we are both very sexual beings. The problem is that we have different views on sexuality, even though she says that we don't. I have only had one sexual partner before her (my ex), she has twice lied as the number of partners and circumstances because she feels ashamed. She so far has stated that with four ex boyfriends she has had sex, as well as with her best male friend (twice), she has a friendly relationship with all of her ex boyfriends and thus far she says she has moved on, but still I can't help it being in the same room with one of her ex's and feel that I want to tear their hearts out, because they have part of her that should only belong to me.I view sexuality as a way of communicating with that person that you love and exclusivity is a big part of it, I mean how many times can a person (male or female) give themselves entirely to a person? I feel Like I have been cheated. She has already given herself to people in her past which she still loves them as friends. How much of her soul, body, and mind can she really give to me? all of herself or just the parts that are left?I am going crazy because I do not want to harm her with my words, I do not want to make her feel like an easy woman or a slut. So for me is difficult to talk to her, even though I never asked her about her past, she is the one that told me all of this even though I asked her not to, but still she did because she wanted me to know her past because it is part of who she is.What makes me more crazy is that she does not regret any of her relationships, making me feel like I am another and not the one and only.I've always wanted to find a woman to love and marry, giving myself entirely to that person for eternity, being truly partners in life, but I feel I can't achieve this with her. I know she will have her memories of her first time and look fondly on those memories and being in the same room with that guy just makes me feel that I cannot compete with that. I don't want her remembering those encounters, because those types of encounters should be exclusive to the person you are with or love.Can a woman give herself completely with all of this baggage to a new love and still have a friendly relationship with her old loves??Just to clarify and update on my question:I am not a doctor she isI did not ask her to tell me I asked her quite the contrary, that is, for her not to tell me, and if I don't want her to feel like a slut is because I do not think of her that way at all, quite the contrary I see her as a pure being because she is a beautiful soul, her intentions are always good.I meant baggage as an emotional baggage, good or bad it is the same, but I'd rather they are good instead of having traumatic experiences that would prevent her from trusting men. I do not ask that she doesn't have any experience, after all her past is what makes her who she is, that is the woman I choose to love and want to love for the rest of my life, and just like I give her her place as my life partner which I hope this will be the case and want to do everything in my power to achieve this, and are even considering accepting this feeling of displacement, or accepting her not loving me the way I do, which I am not saying she does not, I just do not know, but for now I do want her to give me what I give her.I don't worry about her past but our future, this is why I ask this question, If you look fondly in to your sexual relationships in the past, simply with holds you from enjoying fully (not 99% but 100%) your present lover because you have other memories in your mind that with hold you from experiencing a total surrender, since sexuality is a big part of a relationship, like your thoughts and commitment. Now this is my way of thinking that I may be wrong, that is something that give myself the benefit of the doubt. But still if it is insecurity then so be it, it is something that I would gladly change.It is not a double standard because I do not require her to be without ex lovers, I just want her to be with me before them, and after them. If I can give this to her why can't she? I do not want her to regret her decisions unless they were wrong and only she and god knows that, after all you do not grow as a person unless you acknowledge your mistakes, and try to correct and make better choices, I do want her to make me feel like I make her feel, like she is the only one and there can't be no other, and that does not come from regretting her actions but wanting to be eternally for someone. The way I see it and I am going to try to make an analogy: If you would buy tickets for the theatre and went and enjoyed yourself, but then uou learn of a much better play and would have prefered buying thos tieckets instead, you do not regret going to the play but you realize that youd rather have gone to see the other play instead. Is this wrong?It is not like I regret my past, but I would have preferred her being my first and only because I believe she deserves that and much more. What happened in the past should be in the past and should not hang around, I know past can't change but my desire does, and it did, since I met her. which makes her so much more special for me. If I can do this why can't her. Even though I did care, had fun and enjoyed my sexual past, this does not mean that I do not wish for me to have met her before, because she is so much more special. Men to the contrary of women have a natural tendency to "posess" our partners, and this is natural because men like animals "mark" their partners, and this is not psychological only but physical, as well, it is the process of passing ones genes, that is why even many mamals mark their partners with semen, to secure the passing of our genes to the next generation. I know that we are more than instinct, but instinct also plays a large role in the natural process of life, one which we can not ignore. This is why men strive and evolve, this is why we dare venture and create, because of survival, and intelligence is just a tool to achieve this and thus become the dominant species, if a species does not ensure the passing of genes then there is no way to survive, simply because there is no reproduction. Men also has passion, and many times we ignore the natural order because of this passions but in the long run is counterproductive. ¿Don't believe me? Just look at the world as it is today, because of our passions and our creativity to fulfill those passions we are destroying this planet and ourselves.That said, I myself have witnessed not once but many times, how my friends tell me, how they had "possessed" that or this woman and make fun of their current lovers, this is why many men like and enjoy being the first lovers, just so that the women will never forget them, men are competitive this way, it is a sad fact of life, but none the less true, this is why men collect women in their "black books" and this is also why men objectify women.For me love is much more, Do I want to be the only one? Of course who that does not truly love wouldn't want that? After all, don't you want to be EVERYTHING that can be for that person? So why shouldn't you want that person to be everything for you? Something less is not loving at all. My love for her would never depend on her lovers or past but on the person that she is. I've never judged her and would not do so, the circumstances of all of our lives makes each of us unique, and only knowing those circumstances could you emit some type of judgement, but never about hte worth of a person, it does not matter it it is a killer or rapist, you never know why or what made them make those choices. So no I do not judge and she has only received from me support and she will always will if I can fill that she gives me the same importance I give her, this sadly is something that our relationship does depend on for now, after all who wants to be less to a person than that person is to you?She is the only one that I truly love or have loved, like she so many times has told me that it is the same for her.I just don't want to feel like another guy but the one, and I know I make her feel like she is the one and only, because she has told me so many times she loves the way I make her feel. Before she met me she did not want to marry or have kids because of her career, now she does, and she says it is because of me, I know I sound like I am answering myself and these should be enough to make me realize that I am the one, but, using her own words, the difference between me and her ex's is that it just did not work out with them, so i deduct that I am the next one and no different and what may make the relationship different is that it might work, but it does not make me any different or special, just a good maybe that she might settle with.My ex made me feel this way even though I did not love her as a lover, and she also had more experience that me but that did not matter at all because she made me feel completely unique and the one and only, and I will always regret that I broke her heart but I did not love her like a lover, and I realized that once we were in the relationship but it was to late for her, because she had already given her self to me completely which I don't feel with my girlfriend.I do not want to wake up in the future and know like many stories of successful couples and happy couples, that they really never married the love of their lives, just settled for the next best thing, and for these couples these has been enough, but for me is not enough, I do want and long to be with the love of my Life and I also want me to be hers, also like many other examples of successful couples that are not only just happy but excrutiating happy together, just like my parents, sadly I can't ask them because of their circumstances, which are completely different from mine.I hope this clarifies, and I want female opinions but with the same depth not just an egoist view or settling view. I have not married and for me marriage can only come once, and this point of view is way deeper philosophical and takes a long time to explain, I do not believe in divorce at all, please I beg you take this in to account.Just a few last things from the responses I got which will clarify things further:1.- 'I can tell you that my husband got no worse a deal than my first lover :-)' I do not want a no worse but the deal, i do not have to be the first just be the only one in her mind and soul2.- 'Of course she can. Otherwise no widow or divorced woman could ever have a happy second marriage'I am not looking to be second but rather the choice that she would have made without any regret at all, widows miss their husbands and most divorced women and widows (men and female) want a second chance which is valid but most times will love more their past lovers, this is something that I do not want because for me, my girlfriend is everything there can she IS THE OPPORTUNITY not the second OPPORTUNITY3.-"life experience gained while waiting for the one " and give herself fully and sicerely to a new love.'This is what I want, but she tells me that things didn't work out and that is why she is not with them, but this does not mean at all that I am the one, just the guy that things could work out with, it makes me the next or the "keeper" but not the one. I dont' want to be 'a new love' but THE love.4.-'because with your ideas about the sacrality of sex and waiting for "the one ", well, then your ex must have been very very important to you, must have felt like the real thing'It did feel like the real thing because she is a very special girl with a heart of gold and a way of thinking that was what I was looking for, and longed to truly love her so much, but I did not, there was no chemistry, I did love her a lot but I knew that It wasn't a love that you would have for a lover, but for a friend, I did try though.5.- 'I have wanted my husband to have been my first, because he deserves it'This is what I want just this, I would never ask her to change her past she is a beautiful being because of her past, but what you want for your husband is what I want for myselfWhat should I do? Should I ask her? I really do not want to make her feel bad and get the wrong idea, she is insecure that way and she should not feel badthanks a lot for your time
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divorce, her ex, her past, insecure, semen, sexual past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): You wrote a whole book with the question, but I still don't really understand what it is that you are asking us.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): Please believe me from first hand experience, a jealous and possessive man is un attractive and will drive a women away. I understand your point on instinct but jealousy is truly an ugly horrible side of a person. I have had partners before my current one. I give him my all and everything and im not sure if its ever going to be enough to him because he can not deal with the fact that i have had sexual partners before him.
How does that make me feel?
Terrible. Like im some kind of whore because iv been with others. Mind you, barly any) Its a horrible feeling when you give your full commitment. Its not like he hasnt had partners before me. And i couldnt care less. Its made him who he is today, the man i love. I hope i can work his insecurities out of him. Because my past is my past and its what made me who i am today, the girl he fall for.
Women CAN give their all no matter what there pasts are. Dont make the mistake of being a jealous and possessive partner. Theres so much more to life than worrying about the past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): 1) You have written way more than most people want to read here.
2) Your instincts are running your thoughts, making you too posessive. I bet she could control you simply by threatening to leave you. I don't think that's a strong position for a man to be in.
As a change in your mindset, ie. become less posessive, it maybe a good idea to try 'karezza' for a month, and then if you can't stand to do it all the time, have regular sex once a month.
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A
male
reader, freeme  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Sir, I admit I stopped reading your post about half way through.
Here is what I would say to you. First off, you need to become more secure with yourself before you can commit to anyone. You need to believe someone can be faithful to you.
That said, you cannot change who you are. You said, "...but I feel I can't achieve this with her." That is a key statement. You seem to have already lost in this area. If you can't get past this now, you never will. Maybe the right woman for you is so very rare that you might spend a good deal of your life looking for her, but if you can't truly accept your potential spouse for who she is now, today, then you should stop wasting her time and yours.
Otherwise, find yourself a good counselor and get yourself worked out.
I will say this. She does need to understand you and accept you as well. Most relationships require both to sacrifice a little. She should not be expected too, but it would be noble of her to limit her contact with ex boyfriends on your behalf.
I personally, would move on from a situation like this, but I would never hold it against the woman I was dating. You have to know yourself, and the kind of woman that will make you happy. I would never be happy dating a woman who maintained a close relationship with ex boyfriends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): You had sex with someone else. So has she. Do you think she wants to tear your ex's heart out? Probably not. Do you think she should be judged for having sex with others before meeting you, but you shouldn't be judged for having sex before meeting her? That's not fair, right?
You need to chill out. She's with you because she likes/loves you, but your possessiveness about her previous sexual encounters is only going to push her away from you.
If you feel you absolutely cannot get over the fact that you aren't her first, you need to break up with her. Find a virgin who will devote herself only to you, because you will never be happy with a woman with any kind of sexual past, otherwise.
Alternatively, if you want to be with her, you need to get past this. Seek counseling if you can't do it alone.
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