A
female
age
30-35,
*ifeless831
writes:This is going to be kinda long, but its very important and I will not include details I think are unimportant. My basic question is, am I more than a friend to this guy, or am I just being used. Okay heres the details.Okay I met Damien* 5 years ago this November. I first saw Damien when I was a freshman in high school and he was a junior. I LITERALLY walked into a wall when I saw him, it took me 3 months to get up the courage to talk to him. But I did, and we started talking alot more. I never really expected our friendship to go anywhere, because basically I was the love struck underclassman and he was the upperclassman who was shy and quiet. Well we talked for the first two years of high school. He would occasionally walk with his arm around me or something, but we never did anything other than that, not even a single kiss. But we talked all the time on the phone, alot of the time for 5-6 hrs at a time. On one occasion we talked so long we ended up falling asleep on the phone together and waking up to our phones being dead. And when we were in the halls we would constantly laugh and he would "beat me up" as in he would turn me into his pretend punching bag. It was great though.Well I always considered him my best friend, because he was ALWAYS there for me, didnt matter what the problem was. When I broke off an engagement to my ex-fiance [yeah i was young, sorry] he looked me straight in the eyes and said "You dont need that jackass anyways, you deserve so much better" He was always there to talk to, cry to, and everything and I tried to be there for him just as much.Well he graduated in 06' and I cried. I had written him a letter confessing how I truly felt about him. I didnt care that I had a bf, I wanted him to know because I knew he would be moving to Maryland in 2 months. [Were from Kentucky]. I never did get to give him the letter. [he knew i was crushing on him in the begining of our friendship, because he wrote me a letter telling me he was sorry he couldnt return those feelings, but that was about 4 1/2 years ago]When I called to come hang out before he moved, he had already moved, but he had tried to contact me. I wrote him emails all the time, but they always got sent back. Time passed by and slowly 6 months had crept by and I had completely lost contact with him, one night while doing my weekly routine on myspace, of trying to find him, I did. And we got back in contact and it was just like before. Hours on the phone and internet. Well he had a girlfriend that I will call Becky*. He was in love and I could tell, but I was happy none-the-less, because what makes him happy makes me happy. But then he started talking crazy stuff like joining the air force to make a better life for them [note: they had been together roughly a couple months] I convinced him that wasnt such a good idea, but told him it was his choice. A few weeks later they broke up and he thanked me for what I had said.Fast-forward. He moved to Louisiana, worked some dead in jobs, we lost contact once, and refound each other once again. Then in May of this year, May 19th to be exact I get an email saying "Im moving home, I'll be there on the 24th" I cant explain how I felt. I just knew somewhere deep down things would be so much different.Okay so my friend Lisa* calls me one night and asked if I wanted to come drink. I said sure, and she said well bring Damien. I called, but his cousin kept saying he wasnt home. Then Lisa tried calling [without me knowing] and when I got halfway to meet Lisa , my mom calls and says Damien just called. I get to the car and im talking to Kevin* Lisa's bf and I said I need to call Damien, he just called my house. Well Kevin got this look and I just knew something was up, Im like what? Hes like well its suppose to be a secret, but were gonna go pick him up. I died. A thousand different feelings went through me all at once. This was the first time Id actually get to see him in 2 years. I couldnt be happier. Okay so we hung out that night. Needless to say we got a little tipsy and I was laying my head on his lap when he kissed me. Our first kiss. Everything went away. I wasnt in Lisa's room anymore, I was in my own world, with Damien, and he was kissing me. You know how they say you see fireworks? Well I didnt see any fireworks, but it was complete magic. Well other stuff happened that night and all I could think was "Omg ive ruined our friendship" but the next morning, I woke up in his arms and he kissed me. I dont know how to explain how it felt. Everything was perfect. time stopped, everything was wonderful. I had no worries, all the drama and pain of the past few months was gone, and I didnt have to pretend to be happy, because I had never been happier in my life. I still remember the day, June 22nd, 3:05am. Fast-forward to now. Since that moment we have hung out on Sat. June 28th, Sat. July 12th [we were suppose to hang out on the 5th, but plans got cancelled, not his nor my fault], And July 16th. We had plans for last night [the 17th, but he had so much to do because of his cousins wedding this Sat.] Each time we have hung out, it has included major make out sessions and more thing which I wont go into detail about. But what gets me is, sometimes, when he looks at me, like hes reading my mind, I just wonder if I'm just a way to pass the time and is he worth waiting for. We still talk for hours [he calls me when he gets off work at about 9pm and most of the time we talk til 3 or 4am even though he has to get back up at 6am for work and I always apologize and he always says its not your fault, if I didnt want to talk to you, Id hang up.]. Every time we hang out I have to hold back from saying I love you, even though he knows I do. [He got me to confess how I felt after our first meeting, and he didnt hang up and things didnt become wierd]It hurts because I have had these feelings for him for 5 years. He is the reason why me and my now ex-bf of 2 1/2 years are no longer together [well in part, because after that first kiss I knew that my ex-bf and I were not meant for each other]. When he holds me and kisses me I feel so alive, so real, so perfect. When hes in my arms, I have the Universe in my arms. He still gives me butterflies and makes my hands shake. Hes everything Ive ever wanted. He makes me laugh so much, hes my loser, im his dork, or so we say. I want to ask him so much how he really feels, so I can know, so I can get the courage to let go or hang on. I would die for him without a second thought, hes my world. Hes the smartest, funniest, most gorgeous boy Ive ever met. He has my heart 150%. But it hurts because I dont know if he could ever love me or if he does. If he asked me out everyone would know because Id write it in the sky, because Id be happy. We're still "just friends" or so I think...or "friends with benefits" but its killing me, I just want to know. Some people say I'm setting myself up for heartbreak, and I realized the other day, if it doesnt work out, it will be the worst pain Ive ever felt, and I seriously think it would cause me to lock my heart away forever. Am I just playing Russian Roulet with all the chambers loaded and the gun cocked and ready? Any advise would be greatly appreciated, and once again Im so sorry this was so long!*Names have been changed.
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best friend, broke up, cousin, crush, I love you, kissing, my ex, myspace, shy, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (18 July 2008):
Bloody hell you two are useless.
You both keep going off and having other boyfriends and girlfriends so neither of you know where you stand.
Someone has to make the first move and I think it has to be you since you are going to go mad first.
Just go out with him, have a wonderful time and then tell him: "I think I've fallen in love with you and I need to know if you feel the same before I get hurt any more."
Chances are he'll say the same thing, and then you can go out and get married and buy a house and have a million kids and a dog and a giraffe.
Good Luck!! xx
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