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Afraid to commit

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Article - (8 May 2018) 0 Comments - (Newest, )
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, N91 writes:

Hello all,

Im not quite sure why but I had a little urge to write something about a great fear of commitment that I used to experience, in case maybe it can help someone who is going through similar or has their own story to share. This is a topic that has always been relevant to me for the majority of my adult life.

It all started when I was 18 years old, I was a late bloomer compared to a lot of my friends. I was never overly interested in pursuing girls or trying to charm them over like my friends were, they saw it as some sort of competition to see who could get with the most whilst I was quite happy having a quiet evening at home playing on my Xbox. That was until my sister introduced me to one of her best friends.

Now I had kissed girls in the past but never had anything even remotely serious so this was a breath of fresh air when I got speaking to this new girl. We had similar interests and got along great and things were moving along nicely until I ended up plucking up the courage to ask her to come back to my house whilst I was feeling brave after a couple of beers. This was the first time I’d ever gotten this far and to be quite honest was bricking it. The night I finally lost my virginity. I felt like the king of the world the day after and started to catch feelings for this girl. This is where everything starts to go downhill.

As things progressed, I could feel her pulling further away. I think due to my lack of experience with girls I came across very needy and ultimately she told me she wasn’t looking for anything serious. Cue the sad music and lots of moping around feeling sorry for myself. A month or two passed and I got over it and turned into a completely different person. My confidence went through the roof with females, I don’t know what came over me but that guy who used to stumble over his words was long gone and I ended up becoming quite successful with the ladies.

It made me feel so stupid for getting down about the first girl, I couldn’t believe that I let a girl make me feel that way. Why would I want one girl when I could try my luck with any girl? (Looking back it’s a poor attitude, but at the time due to my age that’s how I felt about things). I went through years of ducking and dodging every female advance past sex possible. I pulled out every excuse you could name. In the process I was also called many interesting and imaginative swear words due to the admittedly ruthless behaviour that I was showcasing (Its not something that I am proud of looking back, especially answering questions on this site regarding situations that could easily be things what I had put girls through). I had that young, invincible attitude that I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and it felt great.

No one could get close to me, simply because I wouldn’t allow it. I never thought I would ever get over this spell, I saw friends arguing with their partner, all the dramas they had to tell me I’d just think thank god i don’t have to deal with any of that. Whenever I did slightly let my guard down with someone, i would end up being burned. I know it’s my just desserts as I was doing it to other people, but it only reinforced my viewpoint that relationships and seriousness wasn’t for me. I think for a long time I just ignored feelings because deep down I was afraid of being exposed and hurt. I think it took a while and a lot of thought to accept it and be honest with myself.

I think from 19-25 was the reckless spree and towards the end of that I thought to myself I can’t keep doing this. The majority of my friends had GFs and I got into a similar situation as when I was 18 and got burnt really badly (In a nutshell, it was an exceptionally messy FwB situation that I got in too deeply). It took me the best part of a year to get over it and that’s when I fully decided I needed to stop what I was doing and look for something more serious. I was getting older and I had gotten myself a good job and wanted to start thinking about the future, I wasn’t the immature little kid anymore.

I decided to start dating, doing things right as opposed to meeting people in bars. I messaged a girl online and we ended up dating for a few months (which happened to be my first date ever also). Things didn’t work out as I didn’t feel we were very compatible but it gave me the right kind of experience i needed to find something more stable. Fast forward 2 months and I ended up meeting my now GF since last October. We dated for about 3 months before I knew this was it, something inside my head just told me this feels right. So I asked her to make things official and she accepted. I will admit that I panicked a little at first, thinking this is it, the only girl I’m allowed to be with. The childish side rearing it’s head again but I managed to get rid of those thoughts. Many things outweighed it such as knowing how happy I am making another person, to see her smile and laugh and discuss future plans. It makes me wonder why I ever got satisfaction from hopping from girl to girl. It genuinely made me think of the amount of girls I had more than likely made cry and feel shitty about their self because I wasn’t interested in them outside the bedroom.

I wondered why i had been so scared of this feeling for so long. It feels great. To have someone there to compliment your life, to add to what you’re already doing. If my 19 year old self could see into the future, I wouldn’t quite be able to believe It. I never thought I would have this mentality but I think it’s definitely something you acquire with age. It shows I have matured a lot since those days and I’m really glad for it. I think getting into a relationship has helped me in other ways also such as becoming much better at financial activity due to planning for things in the future and it has helped me to show my emotions more as that is something that I have really struggled with in the past.

I used to see being with someone as a negative, like a ball and chain although I’ve noticed first hand how much it can enrich your life. I’m not saying this to urge anyone to hop into a relationship with the first person that offers. But I’m saying to be open minded to it and think of the possibilities. Try to think of why you have these negative thoughts about relationships. Question them. Weigh up the pros and cons.

By all means be single and enjoy your youth. But don’t make the mistakes I did. Be respectful of people, let them down gently, don’t be hurtful or rude and don’t lead people on unnecessarily as i guarantee you wouldn’t like the same done to you.

View related questions: best friend, confidence, immature, lost my virginity

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