A
female
age
30-35,
*oundandconfused
writes:Ok so I think ive found my 'one' we've been going out for a while now and are coming upto a point n our relationship where we both want sex. However I'm scared this would be my first time. I really like this guy and want to take our relationship to the next level.He had been very understanding and kept things at my pace. Can anyone give me any advice for my first time please?? Does it really hurt as much as some people say?? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Make sure you are on birth control of some kind. Make sure you are 100% comfortable with the man you are losing your virginity to, that you are able to talk to him easily about anything- you aren't scared to share all feelings openly. Once that is in check you need to set your expectations. I expected sex to be romantic and feel amazing. I was very let down. It was in no way romantic or any good. Sex takes a long time to become comfortable sexually with a person and for you each to learn likes/dislikes and how you fit together. It will not be magical and great on the very first time. My first time with each person I've been with wasn't great, it took a couple times.
As for pain, I hurt like hell. I cried (because of pain as well as losing my virginity was very emotional for me) Every time we did it for a long time hurt. I bled every time for a while. My partner was very caring and we went slow, but it still wasnt pleasant. Another problem was that he didn't last long, we were both virgins, and never really could make it more than about a minute before going. That was another misconception I had about sex, that it went on for hours and was amazing.
I'm not trying to scare you, that is just how it went for me. Some women can have a first time without bleeding and minimal pain. The fact that your boyfriend isn't a virgin will make some difference, he will know a little better what to do. But still if he hasn't had sex in awhile he will go pretty quickly so don't expect a long romantic love session. Overall as long as you are both ready and you are comfortable and in love completely then it will be okay. The first time may not be great but it's something you both will always share, he will always be your first so make sure he's worth it and not just some guy you like.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (9 October 2012):
If you are truly "scared" it may be a sign that you aren't quite ready for sex with this guy. That's OK - over time you two will build trust and confidence and there will be a time when you say, "It may hurt at first but I want to have HIM inside me and give my body for his pleasure."'
Most women report that their first intercourse was somewhere between "moderately uncomfortable" and "hurt like hell" - quite a range. There may be some pain from rupturing your hymen, as well as his penis stretching the ring of muscles around your vagina. Your own expectation of pain, your partner's experience, the details of foreplay and positions are also factors.
Intercourse may become physically quite pleasurable before your first time ends (even if it starts with some pain), or it may take as much as a few dozen experiences over a couple of weeks. My wife experienced a fair amount of physical pain when we exchanged virginity on our wedding night, but our second time, about two hours later, was physically quite pleasurable for her. The fact that we spent several months working up to "everything but intercourse" before we were married almost certainly contributed to our quick adjustment to full sex.
Sex is a complicated mix of physical, mental, and emotional factors. For most people - probably 90%; maybe 95% or even 98% - first-time sex is physiologically not that great, but it's mentally and emotionally VERY significant and meaningful if they are with the right partner.
To answer your specific question I'd suggest you work up to full sexual intercourse gradually. Spend some time, anywhere from several days to a few months, getting acquainted with each other's bodies, pleasure preferences, orgasm response cycles, etc, with NON-coital lovemaking. Make him promise - and mean it! - that he'll back off if you indicate that you're not comfortable with what's happening. You may consider it quaint or odd, but I think there was wisdom when previous generations of couples engaged in a lot of necking, petting, bundling, outercourse, etc before they got around to having intercourse.
An internet search engine will help you find about a jillion sites giving advice for a virgin's first experience - such as http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/ or http://newlyweds.about.com/od/lovesex/a/firsttimesex.htm It's also a common question here - do a little searching for posts tagged "virginity". One recent thread (with lots of advice) is "Is there a way to break my hymen without pain?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-there-a-way-to-break-my-hymen.html
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (9 October 2012):
 It can be painful, yes.A few tips:USE. A. CONDOM. No excuses. Spermicide and hormonal birth control like the pill, patch or depo shot would be even better, combined. Multiple methods of pregnancy and STI prevention are responsible and adult.Don't expect him to know how to bring you to orgasm. You have to show him how you like to be touched, because he can't read your mind. He doesn't have a female body, he has a male body, and only knows his own. You need to show him patiently and gently. It will take time for him to "learn" you. Don't expect the first time to be great, magical, romantic or incredibly orgasmic...sex almost always gets MUCH better with time. You must be realistic in your expectations. :-)If you can bring yourself to orgasm with your own hands or a sex toy, do so while having intercourse. You may not be able to reach orgasm the first few times you have sex, due to it being a different sensation and another person being with you. Your body will adjust with time.If you are too embarrassed to talk to him honestly and openly about sex, your body, how to bring you to orgasm, the proper way to stimulate your clitoris, condoms, pregnancy scares, STI testing, etc etc...then you are not emotionally mature enough for sex period. YOU HAVE TO TALK HONESTLY ABOUT SEX before you can be responsible enough to have sex. I mean no offense when I say this, I only stress this because responsibility and maturity is critical to having a healthy and satisfying sex life.Most women cannot reach orgasm with penetration alone due to the most sensitive area of the clitoris being external. It has "legs" that internally wrap around the vaginal canal, one of the exposed areas of the internal clitoris is often called the "G Spot". Some women enjoy stimulation of this area and can orgasm through that alone. Regardless of if you can or cannot, you are NORMAL. Not all women are alike.These are general tips and aren't perfect for everyone, but common enough to help you. Please take this advice with a grain of salt.
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