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A moral friendship question?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2012) 11 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2012)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Ok. I'm cool with a guy who was really close with this girl who just recently passed away of cancer. I didn't personally know her. The girl who died was married. Ok. I'm really interested in getting to know her husband. He is also cool with my guy friend. Now is it wrong of me to ask my guy friend to introduce me to this guy who recently lost his wife? I was going to ask my friend to do it maybe in a few months. Like maybe 6 months. I want to give the guy time to grieve. She just died recently. I've been going back and forth with the idea and thought about maybe not even mentioning it all together. Am I being insensitive? Would my friend be wrong to hook me up with a girl he was really cool with's husband? Would the husband look at my friend as a bad friend? I don't know I'm so confused, but I really like this guy and wanted to see where our friendship could possibly go.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012):

To: Claraw1

Thank you, I really appreciate that. You are right. I should put his needs before mine

..And again thanks to all who commented.

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A female reader, Claraw1 Australia +, writes (12 January 2012):

Claraw1 agony auntMy friend's wife died about a year ago and a woman who had been interested was trying to figure out how long before making a move and trying to see if a friend could hook her up with him. Luckily no-one did and she made a move on him herself about 6 months after. He was mortified and now won't even talk to her, he has no respect for her at all, and has nothing to do with her because he thought it was extremely tacky and insensitive. Even now after a year he is not ready to date. You can't save him, he needs time and good friends to help him through his grief. If you can be a freind (only a friend) and help him through then be that, but if your only interest is to be a friend for it to lead to something more he may pick up on this and you could lose any chance you may have with him when and if he is ready to start dating again. Put his needs first and your desires last, or you might lose more than you reaise. Good Luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello, Guys. I'm the one who posted this question. I appreciate everyone's feedback, but I'm truly not a heartless person and I'm not this vulture that you say I'am. I guess I feel as though, I can some how ease his pain. I've always been the type to feel like I can save the world and it hurts me to see him in pain, but at the same time I do have romantic feelings towards this guy. I don't want to pounce on him and make him forget what happened. I truly want to be there for him, but I was wondering would I be wrong for asking my friend to do this, That's all. Again I thank everyone for their feedback.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

what makes you think you want to meet him?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 January 2012):

Honeypie agony auntWow, yes I think you come across as cold hearted, uncaring and totally insensitive.

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A male reader, JakeChaucer United States +, writes (11 January 2012):

He will need a friend, maybe a female one, take your time, bring him food ect.... If I ever die (which I wont because im immortal, like highlander) I would want my wife to find a good guy to make her happy. Give this guy time, hes gonna feel guilty. Right now he needs friends remember that!

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2012):

TELLULAH agony auntIs this a joke? What kind of person hits on a man that just lost his wife??

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (11 January 2012):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWords to answer this question failed me, until I read the vulture comment .... I think that knocks the nail on the head.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

You are being extremely insensitive.... a picture comes to mind... a vulture...

Back off and leave this man to grieve in peace!

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (11 January 2012):

Ciar agony auntThe man may or may not be ready for an introduction in six months, but either way I think it's in very poor taste for you to be plotting now.

I would not mention anything to your friend or anyone else at this point.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):

I am sorry but I think you are being insensitive. This man lost his wife recently, and your already thinking of of trying to be with him, even though you say maybe in 6 months so he has time to grieve. Some people take a long time to grieve and don't even think about dating for years, some never start dating again. Don't mention anything to your friend about introducing you to this man. This man is the only one who will know when he is ready to date again, and honestly he may just see you as being insensitive and disrespectful if you try to get your friend to introduce you to him in the hope that something will happen between you both. If your friend did hook you up with this man he would be a bad friend to this man who just lost his wife. You may like this guy, but if you care at all, you will leave him alone, he has just gone through one of the most traumatic experiences in life and the last thing he needs is someone trying to get involved with him. I hope this helps Good Luck.

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