A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have been married for close to four yrs, and am very disappointed in my marriage. Since the beginning I have so miserable with my husband. We have the same age (26 yrs). My husband is a very explosive with a bad temper. When he gets mad the first he tells me is that the worst that has happened to him is getting married to me that I'm the worst woman he has ever met. He always puts me down, and the first thing is with how I look. I've gained close to 20 lbs after I had my 2 kids. He says that I'm a worthless person to him and everybody else. He always tells me that he hates me so much and he's with just because of our kids. When he gets mad he throw or break anything that's in front of him. When he gets mad at me he'll say the worst things that ya'll can imagine. He is also an extremely jealous person and very insecure. I cannot talk to a guy or have a friendship with old friends. And he's always rude to my family too. The bad thing in a way is that I don't work, I am a stay at home mom and wife. I don't have and education or any kind of working experience. That another thing that he always throws in my face that he supports my behind. I feel so depress that I don't like the way I look and feel. I wait for the night to come and him to fall asleep so I can cry and feel a small relieve. I plan on going to college to get any degree, because I have lost my hopes of him changing and appreciate me a bit more. I need something to rely on and not depend on him all the time. In his house he's the unwanted son, both of he's parents have a preference for his younger brother and he has dealt all the time that his parents always made him aside. But he still loves his brother no matter what. I don't know if that's part of he's explosive behavior. What can I do to make my husband change and keep his temper down. I want my marriage to work on and fall in love again like when we were going out. I feel so miserable and unwanted! Please help me.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 Sorry honey. This is serious emotional abuse. He is angry with himself and the world and he takes it out on you. You are totally right, you need to get yourself an education, and eventually a job. You need to be independant from this man, and be able to stand on your own. He knows you need him, he knows you can't go, so he can tell you anything, he can treat you badly, there's nothing you can do to stop him.
But once you get your education and get yourself a job, you'll see that you don't have to stay in this relationship and let him treat you this way. Your husband can't change, he's the unwanted second son who is angry with the world. DO NOT CUT CONTACT WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS, you may need them one day if things get too much. Try very hard to realise that HE HAS THE PROBLEM, there is nothing wrong with you. Do not let him continue to steal your confidence, start loosing the weight and arrange to go back to school. Once your out in the world again, you will realise that people like you, that your a very nice person and your husband is using his words to destroy you and make you too frightened to leave him or get successful yourself. Don't let him destroy your life, he's only a man, a person like yourself, he's is not a king or emperor, he's not God or a saint. What he says is total crap, don't ever believe his lies, try to keep your heart hidden inside. We can't make him good again, he was nice before you got married, cause he wanted to catch you. Now he's got you, he's showing his true personality.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (24 February 2010):
You cannot make anybody change. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Your best hope is for an improvement. And to get an improvement you have to create a crisis in your relationship. My advice would be NOT to threaten, but to move out into a shelter or to your parents' home/friend's home without saying a word to him. He just comes home to find you and the kids gone with just a note taped to the door saying "I cant take it anymore. I have left you and I don't think I will ever return. Don't worry, I will give you access to your children once we make an arrangement". Don't phone or speak to him for at least 4 days. Whereever you go, nobody must tell him where you are. Day 1 he will be furious. Day 2 he will be shocked. Day 3 he will start to really think about what he has been doing to make you do this. Day 4 he will be willing to try and fix things to improve his behavior. Many women mess up the process by being impatient and calling on the 1st or 2nd day which interferes with his thinking process. Or they also tell him they are going to leave which also results in being threatened into not doing so. On the 4th day, call him and tell him you can meet him in a public place to show him the kids. Don't let him know where you've been; just say kind people took you in. You need to protect those that take you in. You need to show him that despite all the money and comforts he gives you at home, you would rather live on the streets than be abused. That will take the power out of his money threats. Hopefully at this stage he will want you to come back home and you can say you are only coming back if you get counseling and hopefully he will agree. If he doesn't ask you back and asks for a divorce just agree and say "fine, if that's what you want". He will have to pay maintenance anyway so don't worry about money for the kids.
You have to ask yourself that if you leave things as they are, do you think they would miraculously change? Do things differently this time. Do something shocking to get his attention.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 February 2010):
You can't change him. That's the problem. You just can't. His parents actions have in effect created him. He is unwanted, and rather than try to get over it or at least come to terms with it, he is taking it out on you. His behaviour is controlling, manipulative and appalling towards you. He wont' change, ever. He can't. If he wanted to, he would. Instead, he just takes everything out on you because it makes him feel better. I was glad to see that you want to go to college, because that's a big step in the right direction. You need to make sure you are able to stand on your own feet, because in truth he won't change at all and you are going to be left with a dilemma. Do you want your kids to grow up with a man who treats their mother like this? The answer is no, you don't. Because they will either become like him and treat you terribly, or they will become totally withdrawn. Speak to a counsellor by yourself as well, because I think you have a lot of feelings you need to get out. Think very carefully whether you want this to continue, because in the end it will be you and your children who gain nothing, whereas he will have all the control and power he wants over you.
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