A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Aged 16 (just) I began going on internet chat rooms, it was a phase that lasted only a few months however, I began chatting with a man aged 48. We have continued chatting over the past 8 years(!) though have both long since abandoned going in chat rooms.He is married and has 2 children.Our chats have been fairly intense and also sexual, although we have never met in the flesh - due to me refusing.Recently I have become more and more frustrated with him and the situation and for the past month I haven't 'spoken' to him at all.Part of me misses our chats, he became a shoulder to cry on and a good friend. Part of me feels angry at him for talking to me in the first place.Even though I was 16 at the time, I feel like I was 'groomed' ...unsuccesfully of course! I don't know if this is a reasonable way to feel. I also blame him as I feel he had a major impact on me throughout my teens and twenties. I now find myself confused, sad and thinking of what could have been had I never started talking to him. I have grown up, been through college, uni and now have a job, indeed a career blooming. I feel generally happy and like my life is moving in a good direction. I put down my going in chat rooms and talking to older men as naivety at 16 but find myself asking what was his excuse? I feel as if the impact he had on my love life has left me mixed up and on my own. I'm unsure where to go from here and whether to continue talking to him.Help?
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female
reader, d e e p w i t h i n  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 you see, i can relate you you in this a little bit.i had a crush on my teacher in my last year of highschool and we would often chat over the internet a lot throughout the school year and during the summer. he is 37 and is 18 years older than me. i really felt connected to him and we did talk sexually when i graduated, but i didnt let it go anywhere further than talking "dirty". my chats with him didnt go further than about 9 months because i have recently deleted him so i can finally move on from this crush because other than a few happy times, in the end it left me hurt and alone. i am still trying to move on from this because the feelings arent that easily gone but only time will heal. i do sometimes miss our chats, but i know i cant go back if i want to get over him. same for you, time will heal. you did the right thing by not going on chat anymore, and you were so young when you did. congrats for moving on with your life, and this unfortunatly will remain a part of you for a while. once you meet a guy and get married, im sure you can easily move on. i know how you feel with the confused part. hope this helped, feel free to inbox me. :]
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi. As you have grown and become an adult, i can understand how you must look back and feel angry at this sad creature for the influence he had over your growing years. In real terms he is a stranger to you, as you never met and you dont know that the things he has told you over time are true or false. The fact that a married man with children who is old enough to be your father was chatting to you in a sexual manner, when you were a kid is beyond wrong. Im sure he was very kind to you and extremely reasonable. His sort usually are. But prepare yourself for a wake up call. He was grooming you. It was sexual and he wanted to meet you. The fact that you didnt meet was to your advantage. Its a given that you werent the only hes done this to and he may well have a few like yourself, who think things between you and him are special. Ring any bells? But hes not special and never was, he was just trying to use you for sexual gratification, and he did so by building up your trust and encouraging an emotional bond. Hes not right and has probably already done you enough damage. Remember how he spoke to you when you were a kid of barely 16. Now as a woman ask yourself this. If you had a 16 year old daughter and you discovered he was speaking to her online as he did to you. And he had her number and was going to secretly influence her for the next 6 years while having sex chats with her, would you be ok with him doing that? Enough said. Tell him hes a manipulating old creep and set yourself free. Have nothing more to do with him. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Thank you to all who have answered my question.
I really appreciate your insights, opinions and advice.
I suppose I can't help but feel a little bit sad that he comes across as such an awful person, but really 8 years of chatting can't be summed up in my smallish paragraph of text. Mostly I agree with your answers. I suppose the difference is that I am now 24 and an adult too so I am no longer 'vulnerable' but in turn realise I was naive back then. I find it difficult to write him off as 'sick' and 'wrong', he has helped me a lot too over the years and what I am in turmoil about with myself at the moment is whether I can forgive him for speaking to me like that at 16 and still enjoy our communication now at 24. Difficult to understand probably, and as I write this I realise how ridiculous it is.
I haven't told any friends about him no, as I find the whole thing quite embarassing really. I have come close to owning up on a couple of occassions and could do with chewing it over with someone but I don't feel there is anyone appropriate to speak to.
I guess like most of the answers say, its time to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): If I was you, I would move on from this man and spend time having fun with your friends and getting out more, after all, you're still young. Meeting anyone in a chatroom is never a good idea, and the fact he's a lot older than you, married and has kids, is an even bigger problem. This man is already settled and it would be best if you didn't contact him. It's good that you haven't met up as you don't know him, but the more you talk to him the more you might be tempted to meet up. By losing contact with this man you'll soon get over him and be able to get on with your life. As for blaming him, it's hardly his fault. You were young when you entered the chatroom and it most pobably became comforting talking to this man, almost a bad habbit. It sounds like this man is just using you whenever he feels like it and that's no way to be treated. You need to forget about him and simply move on
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): The person below is right about getting him out of your life, but in the first paragraph she says "you are an adult" and in the second paragraph "you were a child".EXACTLY. you were a child, and this man should not have been talking to a 16 year old girl sexually online or otherwise.YOU are not to blame except for a naive curiosity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): You are an adult and need to quit blaming this on him. Look at yourself and forget the old fart. He was just having his jollies, probably with his wife and children often nearby. Take responsibility for your own actions, and don't waste time trying to analyze his reasons. It's a waste of energy, and I guarantee his isn't wasting his energy on it.
You were a kid and just attracted to it. Believe me, you are not alone. A lot of people have probably done the same thing. Think of this. If you were with him, statistically he would predecease you long before you did him. Also, your friends would most likely be his, and they would be old, old, old. Would you want to be a step-mother to two children? I once dated a man 16 years older and have been there in the flesh instead of via on line.
Focus on what you have done RIGHT! You never met him because you knew what it would lead to. AND you have ceased communication. Look for greener pastures. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (27 September 2009):
 I think the way you are feeling right now is perfectly normal and justified. Basically at 16 it is understandable that you used a chat room for a while and began an internet relationship with a man. What is not normal is his wish to meet you, conduct a sexual relationship online or influence a stranger of such a young age. For a 48 year old man to be interested in such a young girl and to be in chat rooms suggests that he is someone who is personally inadequate and perhaps unable to relate to people in the real world of his own age. I think you were groomed and I think he shows classic signs of a predator in the way he influenced your life and attempted to exert control. I think you should cut off contact with him but I also think he will be grooming lots of girls as this tends to be the pattern. I think you should contact the police with information about him if you know his address and real name because you may be able to prevent another girl from being victimised. You sound as if you have sorted out your life now so it is time to loose the online accounts and get on with it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): He groomed you all right, groomed you to be a part of his little private sick fantasies, and that is soo wrong. this man belongs behind bars. delete him out of your life immediately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): You sound like a very smart woman. I'm pretty sure that you have already answered your own question though. It must be difficult to have this "other" part of your life, growing up with such a secret. Does anyone else know? Did you ever tell any friends about this?He was absolutely wrong. And sick. It seems like you need to vent, and I would find a friend to talk to about it, to say it out loud. The direction of your life is leading you to great and successful places, and this man made you grow up faster than you needed to. The best thing is to move past it, and gain your life back. You're a smart girl, you'll be just fine :) If you feel that you need closure, send him one last email explaining your feelings and tell him that you want nothing to do with him anymore. Change you email, and let that be that!
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A
female
reader, Bubuvn  +, writes (27 September 2009):
Please lock your chat account and stop to chat with him. He is too old for you, you are too young. You can find someone better to be your bf. Do not continue to chat with him. Move on with your life.
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