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5 year relationship, I don't think she's who I thought she was

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 December 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 1 January 2011)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

i have been in a 5 year LDR relationship with my girlfriend and am starting to have doubts about whether or not we should stay together. We met only get to see each other every few months, so it took me a while to get to know her. She is a great person,loyal, never jealous, trusting, honest, kind, and everything that most people would want in a gf, but I feel like we are not on the same page. We rarely ever argue, but I feel like we don't always connect, like there is something missing. She is very sweet, but lacks confidence which is important to me. We also have very different interests and personalities.

She has never had a gf before so I am her first love. She has been saving herself for "the one", so I was her first kiss, her first everything. She also never climaxes when we are intimate, and that makes me wonder if we are sexually compatible. She never complains about that or seems to be bothered by it at all (probably because she doesn't know any better). She always makes sure that I am satisfied in bed but it bothers me that I can't do the same for her.

I feel really bad about my doubts about her because I was the one that pursued her. She was not interested in dating me at first because I lived so far away and she did not know how it would work. She is so sweet I don't want to hurt her, but I feel like I am starting to think of her more as a friend than someone I want to be with romantically. I guess I had a different idea of who she was at the beginning than the person she actually is. Like I said, there is nothing wrong with her, but I am not sure if we are a good fit and I am not attracted to her the way I used to be. Should I stay with her, or should I try to find someone else? I know that if I break up with her she will be so crushed because she says that she thinks of me as her soulmate. Am I being unreasonable and selfish? I do love her, but i am not sure if i am still in love with her. Should I stay with someone when I am not sure if i love her as much as she loves me?

View related questions: confidence, crush, jealous, soulmate

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011):

If you're not into it at least level with her on how you feel. I found myself in this position but I didn't want to end it. I'm bi and fell in love with a woman who wasn't bi so I kept it from her. I'm married with 3 kids to a good responsible man but we don't have the bond I have with the woman I am in love with. LSS I didn't know how to tell her I was married so I pushed her away. I've had my heart broken before but having to break her heart when I didn't want to hurt worse. Hindsight I screwed up because years later I discovered went bi and is in a polygomy relationship since 2002. This is the cost for not giving it to her straight. Til this day she gives me daggers and she nasty bitch toward me now and not that sweetie pie. I resent my marriage. I messed up her and myself. Handle with care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010):

I think you have two choices: Either tell her the truth or let the distance slowly push you apart. Which way you do it is dependent on her personality, so that's your call. However, I think you have to get out of the relationship because you have to set both of you free.

With the doubts you're having, you will never get to the point of truly being happy with her, and consequently, she will never be happy either. I feel almost exactly the way you describe about my wife. Unfortunately, we have children and we're stuck together because of that. We don't fight or treat each other badly, it's just that we're not romantically in love and we both miss that in our lives. If it wasn't for kids, we would move on and find true love. Since you don't have the kids to worry about, you need to move and let her do the same.

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