A
female
age
30-35,
*iaraj12
writes:Ok, so here is the thing. Me and my boyfriend just celebrated our four year anniversary and we have several issues that I need help on so I would greatly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of this and respond and I am really sorry its such a long read. On the positive end, we have lived together for almost a year and are looking at buying a house since it will cost us the same as what we are paying in rent. He appears to love me more than ever before. My boyfriend has always been closed with me, and everyone else, emotionally and romance and intimacy really aren't his thing. I on the other hand am a hopeless romantic. Lately he has been trying hard on this end by doing incredibly sweet things, and saying things that are opposite when we first started going out. (exp. we had a strange conversation when we first went out and he said he would drop me and get with Jessica Alba if the chance came (didn't bother me so not an issue) and now he says he'd pick me over her and asks me things like "are you going to be with me always/forever?").Before, if I addressed him with a problem I had he would fix it instantly. I love him so much when he is sweet like this, however, he is as I call him, a sour patch kid. So here is the sour, in a nutshell (and I will go over these) he does not respect anything I say, he takes everything as a joke, and he is not up to my intimacy level. But wait, there is more. So after a month of living with him, against my will, his little 16yr old brother came to live with us. I am only 22 and he is 23 so I strongly believe that neither of us were ready for this, but my bf and his bro come from a very unstable household (my bf moved out at 16 too). I know it is selfish, but I am completely against him living with us, though I do want what is best for him and want to help him out. However, I am NOT ready to be a parent or take responsibility for another and despite what my bf thinks, he is not ready for it either. I am also very awkward around his brother and I really don't know him well, he is a stranger to me. I told my bf I really wasn't comfortable with him moving in, especially since I only recently moved in with my bf, and that I didn't want him to live with us. My bf sort of tricked me into letting him stay by using a "foot in the door" thing but that in itself is too long of an issue to right. So he came to live with us and has been nothing but trouble from day one. He is a good, sweet kid, but he does not listen (never had rules growing up) and my bf lets him get away with all but murder. Yes he "talks" to his brother but the talks are ineffective. His bro does not help clean, has failed two classes, is always ditching,always lieing to us about the dumbest things, and is causing financial strain on my bf due to food and hospital bills(and a small bit on me because now I am covering what my bf can't, such as the majority of our dates). To top it all off, a few weeks ago he wrecked my bf's car and got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. S***... Me and my bf keep getting into stupid fights and I have finally had enough of letting my bf run the house, which is a complete mess since me and him are always working and no one cleans, and have tried to claim control of the house. This means, I have attempted to start disciplining his brother, and making sure everyone cleans. The problem is, my bf keeps undermining me and is unwilling to cooperate. None of us have been neat freaks to begin with so we have kinda traded on and off with cleaning the house with no particular order, but I have had enough of living like that. But as of now, I guess its been my turn cuz I have been the only one cleaning recently and every time I tell him he needs to clean, he argues with me about everything (even if it is something he wants, that man loves to argue and I hate argueing!!!). So any time I try to do something productive, I get a flat out "No, that won't work" or "No, we can't do that" "No, thats stupid" or just simply no. I can't even do anything to discipline his bro cuz my bf steps in and says no. Its torn me away from him and I am starting to fall out of love because I know that if we have a kid together its going to be more of this. Also with us fighting, we really haven't been able to enjoy being around each other as much and with everything going on we have been simply too stressed to. I have already had minor doubts about him because; he does not like kissing (I have to fight him to give me a long one which I get maybe once a year), this is embarrassing but he hasn't been able to make me cum in 2 years and total I have about only 3 times. I love excitement and rollercoasters and he gets motion sickness easy so that is out, he has this weird issue with breathing on me, he won't let me look at him when I am cuddling or laying by him, he has gotten overweight and is self concious of having body hair, so he will not take off his wife beater or boxers (even during sex) unless he is shaved and even then I am not allowed to look or touch, I can't touch him anywhere that's intimate (even areas as dumb as his chest, stomach, legs, or even his feet for crying out loud!!!), I can't even look at him when we are having sex (pretty much I am not allowed any type of intimacy).So even without everything else, I am still wondering if there is anything more. But I have several problems with leaving, first I do love him, he is the best man I have ever dated and the only one able to put up with my crap, I live in a very small town and my options are next to 0 and he is the best man that lives here, and I cannot afford to move out on my own (seriously it is impossible for nearly everyone to live on a single budget!!!). In short I am just confused at what to do and what I actually can do. I feel so stuck, stressed, and drained and I hate feeling this way. Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 January 2013):
 Oh boy. If this man is the best guy in your town, I am not moving there anytime soon.
Your attachment is not rooted in love, but in fear. It is very revealing that you say " he's the only one who's able to put up with my crap "- which means you feel you are not good enough for a " normal " guy. Twist it as you want, you stay because you feel your options are next to 0, so either it's this bad relationship , or no relationship. You feel you HAVE to make do ! That you have 0 options is just a dysfunctional idea born from your low self esteem, anyway you have no way to prove it or disprove it as long as you cling to this guy. Plus, even supposing your catastrophic assumptions were true - I won't find anybody else, ever... so ? better no relationship that a conflictual,unhappy,dysfunctional relationship like the one you describe. Or, are you one of those women who think that having ANY man whatsoever at your side , is still better than no man at all ? ... I think it was a species of older women well on their way to extinction.
At first, I had thought that the problem was the brother, and I thought : Well, yes, that's normal, at such a young age you have found yourselves forced being the parents of a rebellious teenager, and that's bound to create big big trouble. But at a more careful reading, I have concluded that , even if you were able to remove the brother from the equation ( and from the household ) not much would change, it's just that this guy is both unwilling and unable to give you a minimal degree of intimacy , and just expects you to keep taking the crappy treatment he doles out to you. Which, apparently, you are happy to take, as long as he tells you that you are better than Jessica Alba. Ah the mystic ,magic power of words. I am not susrprised, for some reason you can make intelligent women do stupid stuff if you just can find the right words.
Get out of there. Go back to your parents, or go live with freinds, or roommates, or move to another town, explore all the possibilities and alternatives until you come up with something feasible ,even if not ideal.
Or, do nothing, and be stuck all your life with your neurotic ,overbearing bf and his " problem child " brother.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 January 2013):
Add some paragraphs and you'll get some answers. Seriously, it sounds crazy but look at that big block of text!
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A
female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (19 January 2013):
Why are you punsihing yourself? This situation and this man sound terrible.
You say he is the only man in town that will put up with your crap. Then deal with your crap, and leave town.
If the fat guy, who won't kiss you or look at you while cuddling and who has dumped a whole lot of responsibilty on you is your best choice in your town, do whatever you can to leave or stay single forever.
If you really think that a fat man who doesn't really seem to love you ,by his actions, is the best you can do because of your crap, then make some changes to yourself to give yourself a better chance with some nice person.
Leave town honey. You can do it. You're still young. It will be much harder the longer you leave it and your situation can only get worse.
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