A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been on and off with the same guy for seven years now. We started when I was 15, he was 17. The first time we dated lasted 2.5 years. Then he cheated on me. Twice in one week. With my then best friend. I hated them both for a little while (four months) and decided (like an idiot) to forgive him and not her. She went on to do other things that I stopped caring about and I continued my relationship with my boyfriend. That time it lasted just over a year before he strayed again. I was a couple months from my 19th birthday and he had just turned 21. Through tears, he said he was drunk on his 21st birthday at his university and felt like he couldn't live with himself if I didn't forgive him and let him prove that he'd "changed". So, like an idiot, I forgave him a second time and told him that if it happened a third time, I was gone and there was nothing he could do about it.That time it lasted three admittedly very good years. It took a while for me to fully let him in again but we even went to couple's counseling for about six months. I thought things were getting amazing and he would soon propose since we were both out of college by that time and we had all these plans already... Until a few months ago when I found out he'd fathered a child just a year ago. The woman is his best friend's fiance. Needless to say, they're not engaged anymore and I haven't spoken to my boyfriend in nearly two months. I've talked to his best friend and he said he'd never been so devastated in his life. The strange thing is, I wanted to laugh. Not at him, but at the situation. It is so very typical of this to have occurred and I've been letting it happen.The problem is that my boyfriend is the only guy I've ever been in love with. He's the guy I had my first kiss with, the only guy to feel me up and perform oral on me. The only guy I've ever had sex with. I'm almost 23 and it is so hard to get over all of this. I'm wondering if I ever can... I've been crying so much, wasted so many tears on him. Will it ever end? Will I ever be able to trust a man again? Will I love again?
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male
reader, Discovery +, writes (17 June 2012):
Do yourself a favor and never get back with him again. You've got a man who betrayed you three times, screwed up his best friend's wedding, fathered someone else's child, and managed that all within a few years by 25. I'm not sure it gets a lot worse than that.
You definitely deserve a lot better than that. There are plenty of good men out there; you'll find someone. Getting over the broken trust will take a while.
I hope it never happens to you again, but should it happen, never forgive a 1st cheat. Just kick him out immediately. Absolutely not worth it to waste further time with them.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 June 2012):
 First loves are often the most difficult to get over. I know when my first love broke up with me, I was shattered for many months. The emotional pull of a first love is incredibly strong.
You've invested significant time and have a lot of history with one another. Why you stuck it out with him for as long as you did amazes me, even despite his transgressions. I think he took advantage of the situation as well, knowing how much you were invested in him.
Not all men are cheaters. Sadly, when you date at your age, most guys are easily swayed by sex so it easy to assume that all men are that way. I encourage you not to become bitter by your experience. Look around you and find inspiration in long term relationships that have met the test of time. That is what you are looking for and you only need to allow yourself the ability to find a man who will be as committed to you, as you are to him.
In addition, I do hope you work on your self-esteem. You sound like you deserved better. Enlist your friends support to raise your spirits and enjoy this period of your life. The world is open to you to do WHATEVER you like. You can travel, you can go and move to other locations freely, and you are free of commitments. Take advantage of it and reap what all that life has to offer.
Best wishes and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 June 2012):
Hi there. You probably should give up on him altogether, as there is too much emotional baggage there, and with the child he fathered as well, only complicates things even more.
I understand that you naturally feel you can't trust men ever again, but not all men are the same.
That was just very unfortunate, that's all.
You feel this way that he is special, only because of the sentiments of him being your first for just about everything.
In time though, that will inevitably fade.
You need to give love a chance again - only when you are truly ready to move on - and simply decide to trust a man completely, unless he ever gives you any reason not to.
Another really important thing to do, is to keep your own individuality - your own friends, interests, hobbies etc. - and have a life of your own, separate from your life within the relationship.
It's so important to not not place others above yourself in importance.
Don't put a man's needs ahead of your own.
Don't make yourself too available to a man, to see him all the time.
Don't be afraid to decline a date offer, if you want to do something else on your own, or have something already planned.
Sometimes, it's wise to say - "No, I can't tonight, I have made other arrangements."
Don't ever feel that you always have to do something just because they want to see you.
You are fully entitled to have a life of your own, and to spend some time by yourself. It's your right.
Men really adore women who:-
(1) Know who they are and what they want from life.
(2) Are confident.
(3) Are independent.
(4) Have a life of their own.
(5) Are slightly unpredictable.
(6) Don't put their man up on a pedestal.
(7) Don't depend on a man to make them happy.
(8) Are whole on their own - without a man in their life.
(9) Don't NEED a man in their life to be happy, and choose to share their life with a man if they meet someone they like.
It's about being your own person, and not answering to anyone but your inner voice and listening to your heart.
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