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17 and only find men over 40 attractive

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 July 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 26 July 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *ubzyy writes:

As you have probably seen from my last post I am in love with my teacher.

But I only seem to be attracted to older men, I dont know why. I have never felt any affection to boys my age. Im 17 years old, im quite friendly to one guy who kissed me the other day but I felt nothing I just imagined it was my teacher.

I really dont find men younger than 40 attractive.

Is there any way to get over my teacher?

Why do I only have feelings for older men?

What do I do?

Please help me.

View related questions: my teacher, older men

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009):

I am so happy to know i am not alone with this. from thinking about my experiences i have two quick points to make-

one... i fantasize about my teacher all the time, i think just the thrill of it being someone older and so totally off limits is exhilarating. maybe its because its something you have seen in movies or on tv, but it is very thrilling, at least to me.

two... as far as the older men things goes, i have the same problem, and all the guys wont pursue anything (at least not yet, they say to contact them when i turn 18) (im only 17 now) i know one of the main reasons i was so attracted to the last older guy that actually came onto me first (he said he was in his 30s) was because, like mentioned before, he worked harder to get me, and i think i just liked the feeling of having any guy go after me (pathetic right?) so it was not as much about his age, as much as it was just any guy willing to talk to me.

I know this probably doesnt help you as much as it helps me, to realize that i am not alone, but hope it all works out for you!

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A female reader, mysterious_blonde_lady United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2009):

You have a hole somewhere you are trying to fill. Many people say it is a 'daddy-complex' looking for a father figure because yourself do not have one. It is infact usually more complicated than this. Unfortunately i cannot tell you specifically why you are attracted to older males as i do not know you, i do not know enough about you. Many girls your age are attracted to older man because of the need for support, stability, protection, and for the ego-boost that having a 'mature man's' attention; brings. Another reason is also because some young girls are deluded into believing that men over 40 are in someway more mature than men over 25-35... although in some ways this can be true in others not. It really depends from person to person. Another reason for attraction to older males is because of the control aspect - many young women find the idea of having some degree of control over a much older man far more appealing that the easy-come control one can obtain over a teenage boy. On another front, some are attracted by the bredth of experience that an older man can bring, some are naturally submissive and are excited by the prospect of dominance. However in almost all instances these feelings come from something else more deep-seated, it is often a phase that comes with misunderstanding of older people, and is also something that is a result of a hole or missing aspect of a person's life. Wanting a relationship with an older man can be a sign of escapism; escapism is the desire to escape from one's life through the means of fantasy or literal escape. Seeing as you said you fancy a teacher, i can almost definately say there is a degree of escapism possibly evident here. I can also say that you are insecure, i can gather that you believe that this teacher is mature and that by fancying older men this makes you mature - however this is not necessarily the case. The fact that you are asking why you are only attracted to men over the age of 40 is in itself interesting as that is a very specific age range and i am sure you not interested in ALL men over 40. There are specific men you probably like that may well be over 40. However, it is hard to say as if your teacher is the first 'over 40' man that gained your attention, it may be that attractions to this age group could be related directly to this. (The similarity is what attracts you).

There are other reasons also; directly related to psychological health such as the seeking of abusive relations. As often relationships between much older and younger are relationships of power games and subject to stigma, alienation, intense jealousy domination and role problems because of unstable and unequal parties. Especially in regards to a teacher; you could be set in seeking abusive relationships to satisfy an aspect of yourself - however this is rather extreme.

The most likely reason as mentioned before; is the very classic detach from reality, fantasy and escapism. The desire to escape one's life and one's age group. This can be obtained by seekign someone of 'higher' mental or emotional maturity which can not only satisfy an aspect of yourself but also build your confidence in that you feel 'powerful' or 'protected' or otherwise mature in that you can and are capable of maintaining a relationship with a much older 'seemingly' maturer man. This is possibly a phase, and also comes from something that you are missing. Maybe you are going through a difficult time in your life or feel detached for whatever reason from family or friends. If this is the case, the support you seek from older men will never be gained until you yourself are older; relationships between much younger and older will always be unbalanced and in some ways perverse. This may attract you to the situation more or not. I suspect you will, as time goes on, understand better your motives and probably lessen in your attractions to older men; especially with experience of them. Because really... they are not that great lol.

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A male reader, S-Breeze13 United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

I see nothing wrong with this. If this is what you, your mind, your body, and your feel, then pursue it.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (23 July 2009):

smeedle agony auntoh dear, well all I can say as a woman in her 40`s is that for me a man in his 30`s would be nice but a man in his 70`s would not, so think about this scenario, you are in love with a man of 50 and you are 16, he does it for you now but soon he will be a man in his 60`s and you will be in your prime of 20`s and maybe you will still find him attractive (take a look at men at 60, 70 80) but then he will be 70 and you will be early 30`s and wanting kids, still in love well read on, you in your 40`s and him in his 80`s ok got the message, not so appealing but he still loves you but you want clubs, parties and he wants slippers and commitment and a woman who has grown old with him and loves him, you are now onto the next man and he is old and alone.

Yes some men are going to be un happy with these comments but you need to look at the long term not just the shag with an older man who is probably happily married with kids and a wife near his own age

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to older men. It doesn't make you weird.

But being attracted to older men doesn't make you any more mature than if you weren't. You're still at an age where it will be a bad idea to date anyone much more than a couple years above you. Attractions don't automatically justify actions.

It does make you a little weird that your attractions really don't extend younger than 40s though. Most teenage girls who "go for older men" are thinking about 20-30yo guys when they say that.

If you didn't have a father or older male role model growing up, it can make you drawn towards older men now to try to fill that emotional void. It doesn't make for great relationships though.

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A male reader, RAINORFIRE United States +, writes (23 July 2009):

RAINORFIRE agony auntYoull get over him or maybe you wont theres nothing wrong with fantasizing about your teacher do that all you want but just dont let your fantasy turn to reality, it wont work you and him can never have a future togather, when you turn 18 you may be able to work something out but this guy is to old for you to have a longterm relationship 40 is not really old its a good solid age depending on your health physical fitness and all. Your probably just going through a phase youll out grow it

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